Why I Love Movies (Singles Edition)

I really wanted to review a Cameron Crowe movie as a kind of reminder that he can be a truly unique and entertaining voice of optimism in what is, let's face it, a pretty shit world. I say reminder because Aloha has come out and has been panned by critics, ignored by audiences and even Crowe seems apologetic of the movie. Sadly Aloha isn't alone as there have been other relatively recent missteps in his body of work. Elizabethtown, for me, was such a horrible low point that I get upset just thinking about it. We Bought A Zoo fared better and I'm firmly on the "loved it" side of this fight but others despised it. That people could despise such a hopeful and healing movie is more than a little shocking to me but perhaps that's Crowe's main problem. Maybe his voice is just too tender for this generation of twitter fed negativity. But that's for another day...

We're here for Singles. Released in 1992, this was Cameron Crowe's follow up to the now iconic, Say Anything. I don't know if he felt any pressure to reproduce the magic of that movie but it certainly doesn't feel like it. Straight out of the gate we meet Linda (Kyra Sedgwick) who is breaking the fourth wall and telling us about a recent doomed relationship. It is a solid opening and sets up Linda as someone who will find it hard to trust anyone ever again...

Next is Steve (Campbell Scott). This is the central performance of the movie. The reason for this is Campbell Scott is such a fucking boss of an actor. Steve feels real. He's a guy you knew in school or a work colleague you have a lot of time for. Anyway, Steve isn't so much breaking the fourth wall as chewing it up. Suffice to say the fourth wall is reduced to a mere brick by the end of this movie but nobody does it better than Steve in his opening scene. It's pure Crowe gold, delivered with perfection and it's used to show us that you never know what's around the corner. Steve ends his scene by telling us he's going to concentrate on work for the next three years... we already know more than him.

After that it's Janet (Bridget Fonda) and Cliff (Matt Dillon). Janet is beaming as she tells us how much she loves her boyfriend Cliff who is the lead singer of Seattle scene also rans, Citizen Dick (hilariously Pearl Jam make up the rest of the band). She seems completely blind to several things. First, Cliff is clearly screwing everything he can get his hands on. He's also a bit of an idiot and he can't sing. Still, love is blind and Janet's positivity is very endearing.

Debbie (Sheila Kelly) and David (Jim True Frost) round out the group. Debbie is the local consumer of men. But she has a sweetness about her in her quest to find her perfect guy. This culminates in her making a dating video. The director of this turns out to be Tim Burton decribed as "the new Matrin Scorcese".

David's claim to fame is being Steve's friend. That is all... the lucky git!

What's striking about Singles is just how influential it has been. Dialogue flies along at a Sorkinesque pace. Our "friends" hang out in a local coffee house drinking coffee discussing their relationships, sex and work. Remind you of anything? They also socialise in the cool clubs watching bands like Alice In Chains and Soundgarden. Indeed music is often used by Crowe as a way to tell a story and it is a big part of what makes Singles such a cool movie. The aforementioned Seattle scene is everywhere with cameos from various members of the bands involved. But the central musical theme of the movie actually belongs to Paul Westerberg and his tracks Dyslexic Heart and Waiting For Somebody.

                                 

For all the extra bells and whistles a movie like this hinges on whether or not we enjoy spending time with the characters. I certainly do and can identify with much of what was being talked about. Crowe also knows that his central pairing of Linda and Steve are the main draw here so he lavishes them with wonderful dialogue and beautiful shots. A scene with them in Steve's apartment talking about their previous relationships while listening to some great music (anything from Sly and the Family Stone to REM on vinyl) is a delight. The acting is superb from both as they realise they like each other and the only thing stopping them from taking it to the next level is Linda's previous relationship disaster. Steve, to his credit plays it beautifully and we all remember the "neighbourhood" line...

Meanwhile Janet is slowly realising her boyfriend probably loves himself more than anything else and decides to walk away. We spend just the right amount of time with her finding her own way. She and Cliff are the perfect support act to Steve and Linda. And make no mistake, despite them being on the cover of the original poster back in 1992, they are the support act. I dunno, maybe they looked cooler.
                                                   

                                              

Debbie's lust for love is a more lighthearted affair. Her dating video ends as you'd expect but how it happens is funnier than it should be. Again, we spend just about the right amount of time with Debbie and her whimsical ways.

Aside from the ones I've already mentioned, there are some superb small parts and cameos in this movie. Cameron Crowe stalwart, Jeremy Piven gets a fucking superb scene with Steve which I won't ruin here. A very young Paul Giamatti gets a hilarious restaurant scene and Tom Skerrit relishes his scene as Mayor Weber. There's a mime who, as Steve delicately puts it, "really shouldn't speak" played by another Crowe favourite Eric Stoltz. Bill Pullman plays a plastic surgeon and gets some nice scenes with Janet. James Le Gros plays Linda's ex. Cameron Crowe plays the guy interviewing Cliff. It's a movie loaded with these cool little extras. But none of these appearences take you out of the movie. They are all in there to do a job and they all do it well.

                                          
So with all that to enjoy, why hasn't this movie been a fucking huge success? The truth is, Singles is like most of Crowe's movies, an acquired taste. He's had one massive hit, Jerry Maguire which deserves all the plaudits it gets and Vanilla Sky did reasonably well. None of his other movies have really clicked with the majority. Almost Famous, while absolutely essential viewing to people like us was a huge flop. We Bought A Zoo was a minor hit. Say Anything made a few quid. Elizabethtown broke even. Aloha flopped. So you've got this guy who has all this talent but he hardly ever gets the numbers he deserves. You have to say Tom Cruise being in his two biggest movies isn't a coincidence and We Bought A Zoo had Matt Damon. Both guys are big draws. Singles has a stunning cast but not one of them is a star. In some ways this makes it a more personal movie to those of us who love it. It's such a little gem. Like your ideal partner it's smart, sweet, sad, funny. It has everything Crowe's more successful movies have and for me it has more. Maybe that's because I was 17 when I saw it first or maybe it just is his best movie. I honestly don't know. What I do know is Singles gives us lines like this: "sometimes I wish it was as simple as this postcard somebody sent me once". I agree.

Cheers,

G.

What James Horner Means To Me

I've always been jealous of overly talented people. Oh it's not the green eyed monster kind of jealousy, it's that out in the open FUCK YOU kind of jealousy that is reserved for people who are absolute masters of their craft and are completely untouchable. I mean take that phrase "green eyed monster" it's genius, so fuck you Shakespeare.

In the realm of movie scoring there are a few absolute legends who are a cut above the rest. John Williams is such a man and he'll probably never be equalled. Howard Shore is such a man. Hans Zimmer. Alan Silvestri. Jerry Goldsmith. There are others but the guy who gave John Williams the closest run for his money is, for me at least, James Horner.

We all know his body of work and, in particular, his award winning effort for Titanic. That's a movie that is loved and loathed the world over. It was both helped and hindered by Celine Dion's version of "My Heart Will Go On". Helped because it was an enormous success. Hindered because the rest of us fucking despise her glass shattering vocals. That said, the piece of music itself is actually quite beautiful. Here it is on a single piano sans Canada's most annoying exports incessant warbling. Grab your coat heartstrings, you're about to be pulled:

There are other moments in that movie, particularly towards the end where it's just vintage Horner and I think James Cameron deserves credit for putting the differences they built up on Aliens aside and hiring him for Titanic. Horner's majestic Braveheart score was an obvious bridge builder too but we'll get to that soon.

You know at the end of Aliens where Ripley defies gravity by climbing up the airlock and jettisoning the queen out into space? That's some quality cinema right there. Maybe the most pulsating piece of sci fi ever. Watch it without the score and it loses much of its potency. That's not a criticism of the movie. Not at all. I mean Jaws without the cello is way less effective. The greatest movies you'll ever see work because all of the moving parts blend seamlessly together so that you don't even notice any single aspect of it. It all just hits you like a big, beautiful avalanche of perfection and only after multiple viewings can you pick it apart and try to figure out what you love most about it. The reason I bring this up is because even if you're one of the seven people in the known universe who heretofore haven't seen Aliens, you probably do know that music.

It has been used in numerous clips to make lesser movies look better and I have to say in every single case it works. Horner's Aliens score was a famously difficult session. He and Cameron clashed because Horner never really got a full cut of the movie to work with. As a result he was frequently working off the cuff without the benefit of a safety net. Well it worked for him and while his music had to be taliored to fit the movie, it remains a masterpiece of cinematic scoring. Horner used "Gayane" also used in 2001: A Space Odyssey to excellent effect, proving that he wasn't precious about his music and was happy to import genius from other parties. Goldsmith's original Alien score was also tapped into. He worked his ass off and earned the praise he got for it. So lesser movies got the benefit of this music in clips to help sell them to audiences. Some of them aren't bad movies, just lesser. Alien 3 for example...

Simply put, Braveheart is one of the most exquisite movie scores I have ever heard and only Howard Shore's LOTR effort can match it for sheer emotional impact. The use celtic instruments along with Horner's ability to squeeze the very best out of an orchestra produced a score that still knocks me on my ass every single time I hear it. At the time of writing I am listening to For the love of A Princess and I'm not ashamed to say I'm actually holding back tears. Not just because this great, great man is dead but because that piece of music just rips me in two. Braveheart is so much more than one piece of music though. You can pretty much pick out any section of it and be moved to an extreme emotion.

My original Braveheart experience was nearly 20 years ago in the Savoy Cinema in Dublin's fair city. It was sold out. Going into the cinema with my then girlfriend we were caught up in a wave of excitement. We just knew, knew we were going to witness something special. Of course we were not prepared for the brilliance that popped off the screen. It was and remains a fucking masterpiece. As mentioned above the best movies are a perfect marriage of acting, direction, editing etc. and of course scoring. It was an overwhelming experience. I have watched it over and over on VHS, DVD and now a stuning Blu-ray. Over the years the score has just got better and better. It does what all the best music does, it floods your mind with a million memories and it hits you in the feels. I think Mel Gibson deserves the last word here: "[Horner] was a rare artistic genius. He did not merely augment the image he was presented with, he was able to transcend its matter and logic and travel straight to the heart and soul with his magical gift ... a gift that truly reflected his own heart and soul. I will miss him."

Horner has meant so much to so many. Those of us who love music will continue to mourn this loss but, eventually, we will do it in a celebratory way. His body of work is truly wonderful. I'm just going to randomly select a piece from Field of Dreams and put it in the blog here:

I mean, come on! It's just so perfect! Granted, Field of Dreams is one of those movies that allows the score to shine but that too brings pressure. If the score hadn't delivered that movie would have died on it's ass. But it did deliver and this barking mad, yet completely heart wrenching movie is a stonewall classic. "If you write it they will cry".

His body of work featured other successes including Glory, Apollo 13 and A Beautiul Mind. I am loathe to mention Avatar because try as he might, even he couldn't rescue that artificial, emotionally stunted piece of plastic. But, I digress, this man meant the world to me because of the music mentioned here. I think it's fitting that he did the score to A Beautiful Mind because it takes a beautiful mind to craft the wonderful music he gave us. I'll leave you with probably my favourite piece from this amazing man:

                                     James Horner: August 14 1953 - June 22 2015
                                                                       RIP

Hollywood: The Sick and the Crazy!

I was pointed to an interview with latest Hollywood darling, Chris Pratt, recently where he talks about his love of hunting. My feeling on hunting is very clear. Taking an unsuspecting elk (or any other creature for that matter) down with a high powered rifle is, in a word, disgusting. I was asked if this was going to stop me going to see Jurassic World (haven't seen it yet) to which I laughed uproariously. What Chris Pratt does in his own time is his own fucking business. I don't have to like it, in fact the only thing I do have to like about an actor is what he or she does on the screen. That is all and I genuinely worry about people who feel they know an actor based on the interviews they give and/or the movies they make. So yes I hate that Chris Pratt hunts elk but I've enjoyed Guardians of the Galaxy. I've adored Her. I laughed at The Lego Movie. I squeed at Moneyball but I did not care for Zero Dark Thirty and thought Wanted was only okay. This is all I know about Pratt and to the folks who now see him as some kind of hate figure, ask yourself: "have you watched a Woody Allen movie in the past few years? How about Roman Polanski? I'll get to them soon but let's start with the A lister:
                                                                    Tom Cruise
I'd be cheating if I didn't talk about the excellent documentary doing the rounds right now, "Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief". If you've seen this (and you really should) you'll know Tom isn't painted in the best light with talk of phone tapping among other troubling accusations. We've all seen interviews with him displaying an odd "know it all" attitude and we know he thinks depression is bullshit. All of this makes him pretty unpleasant. My own opinion is that he has been brainwashed by this religion but because he is a person of means and stature, he is treated like a god among minions. As a direct result of his belief in this religion he gets absolutely slated by the general public. There's been rumour after rumour about Cruise and with each one his popularity takes a hit. And yet we can't actually substantiate all of these rumours. What is provable is his work ethic (which many of his co actors are on record saying is second to none) and his desire to entertain. On this level the man is untouchable. You just have to decide if his private life is any of your business. I've decided it's none of mine and will continue to enjoy his movies. But, let's look a little closer at how he's perceived.
I've had a few jobs in my time and in all of those places, movies were a strong topic of conversation. "The Cruiser" obviously came up a time or two. Now, try to pay attention because this is about to get complicated: In all the places I've worked Tom initially splits groups into two sections 1. those who enjoy his work and 2. those who "can't fucking stand him". The first group are fans of the actor and have enjoyed most of his movies. The second group are made up of jealous men (no redeeming them, I'm afraid) as well as people who just don't enjoy him or his movies (fair enough taste is taste) Out of the second group though, two more groups emerge.
Let's call them group 2a. and 2b. Still with me? Good. 2a are people who initially said they hated him and everything he's ever been in. Then you start listing off his amazing movies and rock solid performances and they realise that they not only like the movies but accept that he is excellent in them. It always happens!! 2b however are the judge an actor by his private life brigade. "Sure he's into that scientology shite, he must be a nutter". Fair enough, you're Catholic, equally insane, doesn't stop you doing your job does it? Then there's the classic, "Remember he jumped on the couch on Oprah, fucking weird". Again, fair enough, admit it though, you've done a lot worse! Doesn't stop you doing your job.
But people like to kill their idols and the moment he jumped on that couch he lost a lot of his clout and A list power. War of the Worlds came out and, while it did good business $591m on a $132m budget, a lot of people stayed away from it and everything he's done since, the latest being the excellent "Edge of Tomorrow" which made $369m on a $178m budget. What has helped him though is his insatiable appetite to entertain an audience, oftentimes putting himself in real danger to do so. This has endeared him back into the hearts of many with Mission Impossible 4 deservedly making a fuckload of money. I expect MI5 will bring a similar amount of success.
Verdict: Crazy.
                                                           
                                                                   Mel Gibson
I think it's fair to say that Mel Gibson had it all and completely blew it. I also think it's fair to say he was and remains a very talented actor/director and his transgressions pale in comparison to others on this list who have since been welcomed back into the Hollywood fold. Mel is by no means perfect but he really should have been forgiven by now. Here's what happened: Mel got drunk one night and got pulled over by police for DUI. As disappointing as this was, you could forgive it. However, he then went on a rant against Jews and in that town, well that's pretty fucking hard to come back from. What he said was deplorable but he apologised and paid his dues (that's dues people) and he seemed to be coming back. He made a few a decent movies, The Beaver which nobody went to see. The Edge of Darkness which was a pretty decent thriller and Get the Gringo which is excellent but again, nobody has seen it. Somewhere in there though the wheels came off and not even Mad Max could save himself. He began a relationship with Oksana Grigorieva and they had a child. Soon after she got a restraining order against Mel claiming he assaulted her. Interestingly, she dropped all charges of domestic abuse but she also leaked phone conversations with Mel where he was screaming obscenities down the phone, some of them racist others very threatening. Some experts have come out and claimed these conversations to be fake and severly tampered with. Maybe that's true, maybe it isn't but it was one scandal too many for Mel and he's been on his ass ever since showing up in garbage like Machete Kills and The Expendables 3. Whatever you think about the man, the actor deserves better, much better.

What I really miss though, is his directing. Mel Gibson behind a camera is a genuine force to be reckoned with. The Man Without a Face is an interesting debut, think Dead Poets Society but with some subtlety. He followed that up with the magnificent Braveheart which picked up 5 Oscars including best director. Apocalypto was next and that was an adrenaline filled masterpiece with shot after shot of pure brilliance. Lastly, The Passion of the Christ. Now, anyone who knows me knows I'm not a religious sort but I know good movies and Passion is a good movie. It's absolutely gorgeous to look at and taken as a story, it's extremely watchable. It also made a fucking fortune at the box office. I'd love it if he started funding his own low budget movies because he has a fantastic eye. He could act to save costs too. This is all wishful thinking though. Here's some more: There was once talk of him directing Iron Man 4 which would reunite him with his good friend Robert Downey Jr. Would the director of Braveheart and Apocalypto do a decent job with the material? I believe he would.
Verdict: Crazy.
                                                                Woody Allen
There's no getting around this, Woody Allen is disgusting. If ever there was a guy to test the "what they do in their own time" arguement, it's Woody Allen. We all know he has made some staggering movies. In his so-called prime he churned out classics like: Sleeper, Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex, Manhattan, Annie Hall, Hannah And Her Sisters. That's literally just a few. The early 90's saw him continue his brilliant run with Husbands and Wives, Manhattan Murder Mystery and Bullet Over Broadway again this is just a taste of his work. There were missteps, of course, but his hit rate versus his output rate is impressive. More recently he's had as much success as failures with Midnight In Paris and Blue Jasmine reminding us of just how great this man can be.

HOWEVER!!!!!! It doesn't matter which way you cut it. Woody Allen married his ex wife's adopted daughter (Soon-Yi). The fact that he never adopted her doesn't really uncreepify this. He and Mia Farrow started their relationship in 1980 and Soon Yi would have been about 8 years old. 12 years later he divorced Farrow (after she found nude photos of her 20 year old daughter that Woody had taken) and married Son-Yi. He was 57. Again, this is fucking gross. Look, I don't pretend to understand the inner workings of us humans but, for me at least, there's just something really messed up here. For all that though, I don't see why this should stop anyone enjoying the man's work. He is a super writer full of wit, intelligence and he too has an eye for a shot. So, sick or crazy? When asked about his scandalous marriage, Allen has stated that "there is no scandal" and "the heart wants what the heart wants". Riiiiight.
Verdict: Sick.

                                                                      Roman Polanski

Back in 2002 or 2003 I sat in front of a movie called The Pianist. It blew my mind. I cried, a lot. I laughed, occasionally. It is a stunning piece of cinema. Afterwards I found out Roman Polanski directed it and I was, for want of a better phrase, weirded out. Oh I still love the movie, it is and will ever be a masterpiece but Roman Polanski has a past. In 1978 he fled America never to return. If he does he will be arrested. Why? Polanski was arrested for raping a 13 year old child (Samantha Geimer) in 1977. He apparently drugged her, raped her and on his arrest there were five charges placed against him. I don't want to go into the details as it is terrifying and anger inducing but it is readily available online if you're curious. Anyway, he immediately stated he was innocent of all charges, however after a plea bargain he accepted guilt to unlawful sexual intercourse. Soon after, he fled to France fearing jail time and has been a fugitive on the run from the USA ever since.

So should he be forgiven? Well, the fact is, since he fled America he has worked with people like Harrison Ford, Johnny Depp, Sigourney Weaver, Ben Kingsley, Ewan McGregor, Christoph Waltz, John C. Reilly, Kate Winslet and Jodi Foster. The amount of star power there is staggering. It is safe to say he has already been forgiven by many in the Hollywood fold. I think he should face the music in America and take his punishment like a man but my opinion is worthless here. For all that, Samantha Geimer has been extremely forgiving. She has spoken openly about the incident and as far as I can see has done her best to play the whole thing down. She does her best to keep emotion out of it but in doing so, she gives a very chilling account of the events. As a result, Polanski is not a guy I actively seek out. It's not that I actively avoid him, I just don't seek him out. Would I knowingly go see a movie of his that appealed to me? As it stands, yes I think I would. I did it about 16 years ago for The Ninth Gate (but I wish I hadn't as it was shite) but I did feel weird going in. Is it completely unreasonable to think I'm supporting a rapist? Perhaps, perhaps not. But the last word must go to Polanski's victim. Here she is talking about The Pianist:
“I believe that Mr. Polanski and his film should be honored according to the quality of the work. What he does for a living and how good he is at it have nothing to do with me or what he did to me. I don’t think it would be fair to take past events into consideration. I think that the academy members should vote for the movies they feel deserve it.”
Verdict: Sick.

So there it is folks. Roman Polanski's victim doesn't think you should avoid his work. That being the case, the next time you decide any movie involving Mel or Tom or Chris Pratt isn't for you because you don't like them as people, maybe take Samantha Geimer's words into consideration and judge the movie on its own merits. Hollywood must also forgive Mel Gibson and they need to do it yesterday. If Polanski can still be hailed as a genius and his movies be considered for awards, Gibson should be afforded the same treatment.

Cheers,

G.

Lions and Werewolves and Crocs... Oh My!

You've all seen Jaws, Alien, Jurassic Park, The Thing etc. You saw these because they are some of the best movies ever made. However, you may have missed one or two gems that you felt looked stupid or were on the fence about and decided against it. Creature features, by their very nature, are a tough sell but the good ones are watchable time and again. Let's get our teeth into it.


                                  
                                               
                                                                  Rogue
I have no idea why but there's a running joke in my house where I ask my wife if she wants to watch Rogue. She replies by asking can we make scampi. It's not funny to anyone else, it makes no sense and I honestly forget the origins. But every time I ask if she wants to watch it, I'm always hoping she says yes. Rogue is an absolutely brilliant movie. Set in the Australian outback (and featuring some truly breathtaking scenery) a bunch of tourists become trapped on a tiny island after their boat is attacked by a large, territorial crocodile. Problem is, the water is rising and the island will submerge in a few hours. It takes just the right amount of time to get the cast into this predicament, setting them up as people to root for and, indeed, against. The movie boasts solid performances with Radha Mitchell immediately recognisable and Sam Worthington doing the annoying Aussie thing a little too well. You may also know Michael Vartan in the lead role.
The director's previous movie is Wolf Creek which is a vile movie. I mean that in the best possible way. For what it is, Wolf Creek is very effective but it's just not something I'd ever watch more than once. Rogue, on the other hand, is absolutely the kind of movie I go back to time and time again. Why? Well it's just a shed load of fun. Movies like this are only effective if the characters are watchable and the creature is believable.
The croc itself is a triumph of special fx and clever camera work. They don't oversell the croc in the early part of the movie so you feel spoiled when you see it up close and very personal in some truly memorable scenes. That said, my favourite scene in the movie happens fairly early on and so quickly, it's often missed by audiences. There's a chap at the edge of the island, he's pulled one of the tourists back from the water. The camera turns away from him and that's when we hear a break in the water. The camera speeds back, the man is gone and for just a second or two we see a fucking huge croc tail swimming away. It's so simple but terrifyingly effective.
Do I have any complaints? No, not really. I knew what I was signing on for when I sat in front of this movie and it delivered in spades. Rating: 4/5.

                                                               The Relic
This is a movie I tore out to the cinema to see way back in 1997. The studio had spent a few quid on it, they'd thrown in a decent cast and a solid director too. I caught one clip on tv and I was sold. So what is The Relic? It's a monster movie set in the Museum of Natural History in Chicago. A ship has landed in Illinois minus a crew and the creature on board makes it's way to the museum, hungry for the human hypothalamus. It really doesn't matter why. What does matter is the creature itself. Again, the director teases him before finally we get to see him in all his glory. And he is impressive. Here, take a look:

You also get Tom Sizemore doing what Tom Sizemore does, Penelope Ann Miller as the resourceful heroine with Linda Hunt and James Whitmore both welcome additions. It's all completely preposterous of course but that doesn't stop us having a hell of a time. The Relic gets a torrid time from movie experts. Glad I'm just a fan, this is a hoot. 3/5.

                                                                        Grabbers

This one is close to my heart as it's set in Ireland. Of course you can't have an Irish movie without lots of drinking because we're all raging alcoholics (apparently) and boy oh boy is there some drinking in this movie... Erin Island has been invaded by grabby, bloodsucky aliens and the populace is on the dwindle. The only way to remain immune is to get absolutely hammered drunk. You'd have to feel sorry for the aliens, if they'd landed anywhere else they'd have been exposed to a completely different stereotype and had a much easier time of it.
As before, we get characters to like and creatures to enjoy. Grabbers is tonally similar to Tremors but doesn't quite reach those dizzying heights. It can compete with the likes of James Gunn's Slither though and that ain't nothing. There are various nods and winks to other monster movies, the "Erin Island Welcomes You" sign is great and "get away from him you cunt" a very Irish nod to Aliens. I had nothing but a good time with this movie and fully recommend it: 3.5/5.

                                                                         The Reef
There is a moment in The Reef where our potential victims are all close together in the water. One of them thinks they see a fin and they all start to panic which, as we know from Jaws is, "like ringing the dinner bell". Armed with only one set of goggles one of the group sticks his face in the water to peer into the blue. Here's what he sees:

It just wouldn't be a creature feature blog without a shark movie. Sadly there aren't that many good ones. You can shove your Sharknado nonsense up your arse! You've all seen Jaws. Deep Blue Sea is also high profile enough to have been consumed (so to speak) which leaves us with Open Water (think The Blair Witch Project in the ocean) or The Reef. I chose The Reef for the scene above. I watched this at home and when this scene happened I took my feet off the floor and put them on the couch. I mean, they were in danger on the floor!
The Reef doesn't try to reinvent the genre but it does a great job of raking up the tension. The plot is very simple: A group of friends head out onto the reef. When their boat capsizes they have a choice. Stay on top of the upside down (and slowly sinking) boat or swim for land. They choose the latter. There's an uncomfortable level of tension in this movie. It's worst nightmare stuff and if you want your nerves shredded, look no further: 3.5/5.

                                                             Lake Placid
Written by David E. Kelly so you knew there'd be some half decent one liners. Directed by Steve Miner, a guy who knows his way around a lake setting having done a couple of early Friday the 13th flicks and Dawson's Creek. Cast wise you get Bill Pullman, Brendan Gleeson, Bridget Fonda and Oliver Platt. I could watch Oliver Platt read the phone book because he would make that shit funny. He improves whatever he's in by about 22.3% it's science. His banter with Gleeson is also priceless! Add to that some cracking scenes with Betty White and you've got a hell of a time!

So what's the what here? Black Lake is an absolutely beautiful spot in Maine. Unfortunately for the locals, there's a fucking enormous crocodile living in said lake. The bodies pile up so it's down to Fish and Game expert Jack (Bill Pullman), local law man, Sheriff Keogh (Brendan Gleeson) to find out what's going on. Kelly (Bridget Fonda) is sent to help, the fact that she's a paleontologist renders her mostly useless but that's funny too. It is Oliver Platt who steals the whole show though. He plays eccentric millionaire and croc enthusiast, Hector, and he is wonderful. He always is (to me). The personalities of the four protagonists clash (of course) but as the movie goes along, they start to tolerate and even get to like each other (of course). Does the creature hold up? Bet your ass it does! A great effort by Stan Winston's fx team and some knowing camera work by Steve Miner make for some great sequences.
It is the humour though that I love here. It's not quite laugh out loud all the time but there's just a nice whimsical tone about it, interrupted occasionally by an enormous crocodile. And what the devil is wrong with that? Loved it: 4/5.                             

                                                             Frankenfish
Do not be put off by the title. Do not be put off by the terrible reviews. Do not be put off by the fact that it's a SyFy movie. This isn't one of those terrible "mockbusters". This is an honest to goodness decent creature feature. It takes place in Louisiana where folks live on a river. Unfortunately for them, someone has been carrying out experiments on snakefish and created something really nasty. The frankenfish escape into the river and all hell breaks lose. Look, it's not going to win any awards but for those of you with a sense of humour, you will find fun here. The creatures look pretty good, there's some hilarious death scenes and a running product placement joke which never gets old.

I've seen people refer to Frankenfish as a piece of shit and I've seen them refer to it as Tremors in a swamp. The truth lies somewhere in between. Schlock til you drop: 3/5.

                                                                  Dog Soldiers
I'm assuming you've seen the movie Neil Marshall went on to make after this one: The Descent (the one with the European ending) If not, you need to. But you probably have so I'll carry on. Truth be told you've probably seen Dog Soldiers too. But just in case, this one is a werewolf movie about a military training exercise set in the highlands of Scotland. Of course the place is infested with werewolves and our band of brothers (and a sister) are being hunted. They take shelter in an abandoned house and plan to survive the inevitable werewolf siege. Just think Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13 with werewolves and you're pretty much there. This is a good thing. Fans of Game of Thrones will be happy to see Liam Cunningham in a menacing role. Fans of Rome will be happy to see Kevin McKidd in the lead and fans of Gotham will be happy to see Sean Pertwee stealing the show as a gruff but likeable sergeant.

Like most of the movies on this list the emphasis is on laughs as much as scares and Dog Soldiers delivers plenty of laugh out loud moments. The fact that it's a low budget movie doesn't hurt it. Actually it probably helps it as there's an obvious charm to the movie that many other CGI wolf movies do not have. The director was on fire at the time and I felt he was going to be the next John Carpenter. Why? Well, as mentioned before this movie borrows heavily from Assault on Precinct 13. The next movie he'd make would be The Descent which barring a couple of minutes at the start is an all female cast all of them with trust issues. Carpenter used an all male cast for The Thing and trust was a huge part of that movie. Marshall then went on to make Doomsday which had a huge stink of Escape from New York off of it. Sadly that's where the comparisons end. He hasn't really progressed as a director which is a pity as Dog Soldiers is a cracking little movie that hints at some serious directorial talent and it's well worth a look: 4/5.

                                              The Ghost and the Darkness
Right out of the gate let's just talk about Val Kilmer. I love him. I think he is supremely talented. But like many talented actors (Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Sean Connery and Julia Roberts to name but a few) he cannot do an Irish accent. It is distracting and it will make you laugh. However, The Ghost and the Darkness is a fun diversion. Set in Kenya in 1898, Kilmer plays Col. Jon Patterson and it is his job to build a bridge for the British army so, as the ever brilliant Tom Wilkinson puts it, they can "save Africa from the Africans".
Whatever, let's get to the good stuff. This movie is based on a true story where two lions reportedly killed 135 bridge workers. Now, that may sound like bullshit and it probably is. What is clear though is these lions killed a lot of people and Patterson had a hell of a time dealing with them. The movie deviates heavily from the facts as it tries deperately to be the next Jaws. It ain't Jaws but then again, nothing is or ever will be. Patterson eventually calls in the help of Quint sorry, Remington played by Michael Douglas. There are times in this movie where his hamminess is a joy to behold but I've always found him to be an enjoyable actor anyway.

The lions are also very well done. There's trained lions, CGI and amazing model work used to bring our bloodthirsty friends to life. The fact that this is based on a true story adds some gravity to proceedings and it is effective. Stephen Hopkins is a talented guy. He's obviously watched Jaws a few times and uses the Kenyan savannah as a substitute for the ocean. The lions attack with impunity and while you will scratch your head and wonder how the fuck Patterson got himself into a situation where over 100 people have been killed, you will also enjoy the simple man versus beast aspect here. Look out for Emily Mortimer and Bernard Hill. Both always fun to watch. 3/5.

Cheers,

G.

Defending The Hobbit Trilogy (The Battle of the Five Armies Edition)

Before we start this there are people who can't work out who the "Five Armies" are in this movie. Seriously, What. The. Fuck?! Army number one: Thranduil's army. Army number 2: Dain's army. Army number 3: Bard's army. Army number 4: Azog's army. Army number 5: Bolg's army. Honestly folks, they're right there!!! Maybe they're confused by the book, I dunno...

Anyway, we've come to the final installment of "Defending The Hobbit Trilogy". The Battle of the Five Armies left many critics cold: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_hobbit_the_battle_of_the_five_armies/?search=battle  but for me and many others, it is the strongest entry. The lukewarm critical response didn't hurt the box office though with nearly $1bn taken in ticket returns. There's much to love here, starting with the destruction of Laketown...

                                                      "I am Fire, I am Death"
The Desolation of Smaug ended with one very pissed off dragon hell bent on the destruction of Laketown. As I stated in the previous blog, I was not a big fan of Laketown and I cannot lie, there was somewhat of a perverse enjoyment in watching Smaug absolutely decimate the place. The cinematic experience of the scene was quite something. I went to see it on our IMAX screen and it felt like I was part of a really terrifying theme park ride. I then saw it in 2D where I felt like I was bearing witness to the destruction and that, while different, was way more emotionally impactful. Smaug's wrath is "swift and terrible". Bard manages to escape prison and make for one of the few towers still standing in Laketown. Armed with a bow and arrow, he repeatedly hits the dragon but is having little effect. His son appears with the last black arrow in town and of course, against all odds, Bard takes down Smaug with the kind of one in a million shot that heretofore was reserved for Luke Skywalker at the end of Star Wars. Fire and death indeed, Smaug's last living moments are interesting. He flies high and is desperately clinging to life. There's a look of shock and panic in his eye and then... there isn't. His descent is beautifully shot and PJ's dark humour ends the scene as the doomed beast lands on Laketown's greedy master. Avarice killing him as much as the dragon and this is a running theme throughout this movie.

                                              Bilbo, Bargaining, Burgling and Bonding
Battle of the Five Armies features many huge scenes of destruction, horror, bravery and valour. These scenes would mean nothing if the characters involved weren't likeable. It is Bilbo Baggins who keeps this movie grounded. His love for and admiration of Thorin is obvious. He loves him so much that he is forced to betray him. Having burgled the Arkenstone from Smaug he hands it over to Thranduil hoping he will bargain with Thorin and bring an end to war before it begins. This scene is dripping with humour and Thranduil reminding Bilbo of his actions in the Elven realm is wonderful. He is both annoyed and impressed by the hobbit. Bard is just impressed. It is a valiant but doomed effort and Thorin's response to finding out what Bilbo has done is heart wrenching. He cannot believe Bilbo would steal from him. Of course Thorin is deep in "Dragon sickness".  He cannot see that Bilbo is trying to save Thorin from himself. He is devastated when Thorin tries to kill him. A clearly upset Bilbo escapes but his love for Thorin never diminishes. Thorin gets a chance to apologise to Bilbo at the end of the movie and it is heartbreaking. Again, the emotional impact of these scenes are what keep me watching. I love the grandiose spectacle and the camera moving in ways I never thought possible but it is the relationships that keep me invested. Bilbo and Thorin's friendship is a beautiful thing that stays with you long after the movie ends.

                                                             "Leave Sauron To Me"  
There's a scene pretty early on in this movie which is loved and loathed in equal measure by fans. Radagast has managed to get word to Galadrial that all is not well in Dol Guldur. By the time she gets there, Gandalf is about to be executed. She saves a barely conscious Gandalf but is set upon by the nine Nazgul. Luckily, Galadrial is joined by Elrond and Saruman leading to a wonderful fight sequence. Elrond and Saruman deal with the nine... until Sauron makes himself known. There is a very subtle piece of acting by Christopher Lee when he appears. You can see fear in the white wizard's eyes and his body language is almost cowering. Radagast is about to get Gandalf out of harm's way but he has Galadrial's hand (remember the scene they shared in first movie) and he asks her to come with him. She is clearly tempted but manages to refuse the charms of the grey pilgrim. Radagast gets him out of Dol Guldur and Galadrial fucking loses her shit. She goes all "Ringu" and in a spectacular show of strength she banishes Sauron to the east. Saruman orders Elrond to take her to Lothlorien as she is severely weakend by the encounter. The scene ends with Saruman's foreboding words: "Leave Sauron to me"... yeah that's gonna go well! I'll always remember my wife's words the first time we saw that scene together: "that was awesome". I wholeheartedly agree and I'm not really sure what people have against the scene, nor do I care. It's so great seeing these characters actually doing something as apposed to talking about doing something.

                                                         Framing The Five Armies
One of the issues critics had with this movie in particular was the use of CGI. Viggo Mortenson recently came out against the use of CGI and before slating The Hobbit he spoke of its use in the Rings movies: "The second movie already started ballooning, for my taste, and then by the third one, there were a lot of special effects. It was grandiose, and all that, but whatever was subtle, in the first movie, gradually got lost in the second and third." Subtlety?! How the fuck would you have filmed the charge of the Rohirrim in Return of the King? Or the charge of the Olyphaunts? This isn't Braveheart! There are creatures and vast numbers involved in these battles! I suppose you'd have used an actual giant spider for Shelob too, yeah? But we're here to defend The Hobbit and the armies look truly stunning here. Again, I'm not sure what the alternative to this is and I think it all looks amazing:

                                                   
                                                     Leaders of the Five Armies
Thranduil: Thranduil is never anything less than awesome. He and his Elf army are sure of themselves. Defeat is not an option. Thranduil's skill in battle are immense. Seated on his elk he slices through Orcs like they are going out of fashion. But he also plays the pragmatist in this movie. Gandalf, for all his good intentions has brought this doom on Middle Earth. "You started this Mithrandir, you will forgive me if I finish it". Gandalf has no response because it's true. He also has to let Legolas go which is hard for him and you can see it in his eyes. "Your mother loved you Legolas, more than anyone, more than life". Coming from Thranduil it carries so much weight and it is a sad moment. He also has to suffer the Tauriel/Kili horribleness at the end of the movie. It's not as bad as the hate it's getting from some but it is a bit over the top. Thranduil's sympathy for Tauriel is palpable and you feel like he will take her back to the realm and help her come back to herself. Lee Pace was perfect casting by the film makers and I absolutely love what he brought to the character.
Azog the Defiler: Oh Azog. I just adore him. There's no layers here. There's no moments of reflection. There's just a really bad Orc who wants your blood and he wants it now. Tactically, he doesn't make any errors in the battle. He usues his forces very well and holds Bolg's army back as an ace up the sleeve. It should have worked. But you cannot legislate for the heart of a Hobbit or the stubborness of a Dwarf. Manu Bennet was the man they chose to play Azog. I think he made what could have been a stock villain, highly memorable. Props must also go to the fx crew for adding their layers of menace to Azog, including his Warg. Amazing!
Bard: Bard is a nice sort of chap. Tough and gallant. Firm but fair. Alas he is just ever so slightly boring. He never says anything surprising and always takes the high road. He leads his men with a quiet dignity and the Elven King takes a shine to him but there's not really anything more to say about the chap... he's nice.
Dain: Dain is cousin to Thorin and is your typical loud mouth Dwarf who is happiest putting an axe into an enemy. There's not a lot of screen time for him but what we get is fun and watching him headbutt all around him, while cheesy, is also amusing. He's not as inspiring as Thorin but I'd rather have a pint with him if you get me.
Bolg: Bolg is like "diet Azog". His job is to bring a second Orc army in to clean up after Azog's does its damage. He also gets embroiled in a conflict with Legolas, leading to some excellent fight sequences. He doesn't lack for guts but he's not the brightest spark. His death scene never ceases to make me laugh.
                                                     Battles, Loss and Redemption
Given the title of this movie, the actual war had to deliver. While it doesn't reach Two Towers levels of awesome, it's still a roaring success. There are many standout moments, may favourite being the moment the Elves and the Dwarves join together in spectacular fashion to take on the approaching Orcs. Thranduil is, for me, the baddest of the bunch. He takes more lives than the fucking plague in this movie and I'm actually sad he wasn't in Lord of the Rings. Trolls are also used to thunderous effect. Remember this guy:

If you can't find humour in the above clip I feel sorry for you. Earth eaters, wargs and bats all make appearences and it's just thrilling cinema. The bats are brought in to help Azog but actually end up doing more harm than good as Legolas uses one to help him get back in the fight. Legolas has long been a gravity defier and he's on top form here. If you can buy him taking down an Olyphaunt single handedly, there's no reason to doubt his trickery here. He's a killing machine and he learns from his battle with Bolg in Laketown and uses this knowledge to kill the Orc.

Finally, Thorin shakes off the Dragon sickness and emerges from the mountain to save Dain's army and the remaining Elves from certain death. Kili, Fili and Dwalin then follow Thorin up the mountain to go after Azog directly. There's a lot of loss in this battle and it is sad to see Kili and Fili fall. But my focus is always on Thorin. He was always going to be put in front of Azog and they were going to fight to the death. Again, it needed to deliver the goods and I'm pleased to say it does. Azog looks in control for most of the fight but Thorin has beaten him before by using his wits and his courage. The same thing happens here to a degree. Using Azog's enormous mace as a counter weight on the ice is a genius move, a genuinely surprising twist in the fight. Eventually Azog kills Thorin but in doing so at such close quarters, he's within Thorin's range. So while Thorin doesn't win the fight he makes damn sure Azog doesn't either and they die together. It is at this point that Bilbo appears. He runs to his dying friend and Thorin, though dying is so happy to see him. It's such a sad scene. Thorin tells Bilbo he is sorry and Bilbo's heart breaks. His friend is dying and there's nothing he can do... Unbelievably sad, right up there with any of the sad moments in any of the Rings movies and it is down to the actors. Both are magnificent here.

The movie ends in similar fashion to Return of the King with the hobbit going back to the Shire. It fades into the future and we hear Gandalf knocking at the door and suddenly we're knee deep into Fellowship of the Ring: "what about very old friends?" Whenever I watch this movie I always feel like I can watch more and I'm hoping the extended edition will give me my fill. It also does what a prequel should, makes you want to watch the next installment. There's a certain other prequel out there that shall remain nameless that makes me want to cry for the damage it does to its legacy. Thankfully, The Hobbit was never in any danger of that.

Final Thoughts: Thrilling from first frame to the last, it never lets up. My only complaint is that there isn't more of it: 10/10.
                                                     

Defending The Hobbit Trilogy (The Desolation Of Smaug Edition)

The Desolation Of Smaug is the best reviewed of the three Hobbit movies but, for me at least, it is the weakest. That's not to say that it is a bad movie. It is, in fact, a very good one but after the majesty of its predecessor and the exuberance of its successor, it is the proverbial rock in the hard place... but what a rock it turns out to be.

                                                            Beorn Again
After a brief (and entertaining) piece of back story featuring a conversation between Gandalf and Thorin in Bree, our heroes find themselves being hunted by more than just Azog the Defiler. Beorn, who is a shape shifter, is also on the prowl. He is basically a giant bear and has no control over his hunger when he's in this form. The company cannot outrun Azog and his band of Orcs so they decide to make for Beorn's home. They make it, just about, but it is the giant bear who nearly catches them. When we meet Beorn the next morning, he is chopping wood with the biggest axe I've ever seen. He's a huge bulk of a man and the fx team do a great job of making him look "bear-ish" but I have to give, well, props to the props department. They've always gone the extra mile for PJ and this movie is no different. The detail in Beorn's house is astounding. It's actually worth pausing the movie just to look around. There's a chess board with large pieces which you probably never noticed and if you look into Bilbo's treasure chest back in the Shire, you'll see one of the chess pieces from Beorn's board... burglar indeed! Beorn reluctantly decides to help the company. He hates Dwarves but he hates Orcs even more... enemy of my enemy I suppose. He turns up at the end of the trilogy but it is in this movie where we get to know him a little and it's a treat.

                                                      Tauriel and Legolas
Right, let's get this shit out of the way. There is no getting around the fact that Peter Jackson has entered the realm of fan fiction here. Tauriel is a completely made up character and Legolas wasn't in the book at all. I'll deal with the Legolas situation first. Saruman, Galadrial and Elrond all show up at various times in this trilogy and nobody bats and eyelid. Legolas is brought in "and everybody loses their minds". Granted, Legolas gets more screen time than the others but the reaction was vitriolic in the extreme. I've always enjoyed Legolas. His stoicism, his acrobatics and his penchant for cutting to the chase have always been a huge plus. I was excited to see what he'd get up to here and I wasn't disappointed.

Tauriel, if anything, took even more shit from fanbitches. They just hated her. Right out of the gate she got shit from all sides. You can call me shallow (and you'd be right) but having a gorgeous Elf-maiden kicking Orc ass and giving Legolas a run for his money in the "cool kill" stakes works for me. Also, there's just a lot of guys in these movies. A woman was needed. Whether you like her or not is subjective. I was and remain, a fan. The much maligned love triangle between Tauriel, Legolas and Kili isn't as bad as the critics suggest. I was on board with it for a long time. I did stop caring about it in the thrid movie but by and large it was a fun addition to the story and Desolation needed something like this just for a change of pace.

                                                             Speaking of Pace
                      
                                  

Where to start with the Elf Lord of the Woodland Realm? Played brilliantly by Lee Pace, Thranduil is father to Legolas and general badass of the Woodland Elves. He's not too fond of the Dwarves as they made him bow to them when they found they all powerful Arkenstone in Erebor. It's mutual of course as Thranduil got a large measure of revenge when Smaug attacked. He just put the popcorn on and watched. Thranduil's only concern, it seems, is that of his people and to that end, he has worked absolute wonders. As per Thranduil's instructions, the Woodland Elves are completely hidden from all and sundry in Middle Earth and while they protect their own borders from the evils of Middle Earth they care not a jot about the issues beyond their realm. It's fair to say that the Elves live in relative luxury. Even their holding cells look like half decent accomodation:

Thranduil is such a fantastic character. He looks like the exact opposite of Azog but he actually shares some traits with the pale Orc. Thanduil just fucking loves feeling superior. He leads his people with an iron fist and, like Azog, has been badly wounded in battle. Unlike Azog, Thranduil hides his scars with his considerable power. He is vain but I feel like he uses this as a weapon. If you look the part, you are the part. As the trilogy progresses, we find there is more to Thranduil than meets the eye. He has layers, you just have to dig... very deeply. A superb character!

                                                       My Mirkwood Nightmare
I'm afraid of spiders. Total arachnophobe! When I went to see Return of the King I did so knowing at some point I was going to be knee deep in Shelob's Lair and I was seriously on edge. Shelob came and went and came back again. Sam dealt with her and it was stunning cinema. I, apparently, turned white and I got the sweats. The cold sweats of fear. This time I went in knowing at some point the spiders of Mirkwood would be on me. I did my best to steady my fear but it didn't work. This is one of those scenes that Jackson had to get right. Guillermo del Toro, who was initially going to direct these movies, has a bit of an obsession with the spider scene from the Hobbit so it's no surprise that much of his input survived for this scene. The colours in the forest are all very trippy and it was his idea to make it look that way. Peter Jackson is also an arachnophobe and he knows exactly what buttons to push... the ones that scare him the most. Make no mistake about it, this scene was absolutely nailed by the film makers and I, again, felt the cold sweats. At one point I jumped and yelped so noisily in the cinema that people laughed at me... Amazing scene and it's great to see a tougher side of Bilbo when one of the spiders goes after the ring.

                                                              Barrel of Laughs
The more I think about The Hobbit, the more I become aware of how chock full of legendary scenes the book truly is. The famous "Barrels Out of Bond" scene is another much loved section of the book but truth be told, it's way more charming than exciting. Given that this is a Peter Jackson movie you just knew this was going to be one of those elaborate action scenes that you either love him or hate him for. I was actually a little worried about this scene as I just felt it didn't need the over the top PJ touch. How wrong was I. Once in the barrels the company flow with the tide and are pretty much immediately pursued by Elves. A gate is closed, blocking the Dwarven escape route and suddenly Azog's Orcs turn up to take down the company. Of course the Elves and the Orcs clash and a quite brilliant spectacle begins. Kili gets the gate open but takes "an arrow to the knee"... no really, he does. It's poisonous too so, bummer. Tauriel and Legolas absolutely decimate the Orc party but more and more keep on coming. Our Dwarves continue down stream they are pursued by Orcs and Elves who continue to wade into each other and there must be scores of "holy shit" moments that literally take your breath away as the scene goes on. This scene was meant to be the end of part one when this was a two movie project. I'm not sure how that would have played out but in the trilogy it plays out perfectly. The company get out of the Woodland Realm. Unbeknownst to Legolas, Thorin saves him with a well placed throw of a sword (Legolas returns the favour in the next movie) and eventually the company bump into another solid addition to the growing list of characters.

                                                            Good Evans, it's Laketown
Our band of merry Dwarves must find a way to Laketown without Gandalf who is off to Dol Guldur to follow up on Radagast's findings. And so we meet Bard (Luke Evans). As you know, Bard is left to battle Smaug in the next movie so it is only right that he gets some character development in this one. He smuggles the Dwarves into Laketown and it is here that the movie starts to slip a little. Don't get me wrong, Laketown is a wonderful set and Howard Shore's Laketown score is quality but the movie gets bogged down in the boring politics of Laketown for far too long. It would have been better served to follow the book in this instance as the Dwarves are welcomed into Laketown by the Master. Here though, The Master played by one of my favourites, Stephen Fry is a bit of a dick. He is self serving, he hates Bard and has no real redeeming features. It's all very "Master is rich so he bad, Bard is poor so he good" which is a little annoying. There's some solace to be found in Alfrid Littlespittle, another made up character by Jackson, who is The Master's closest counselor. Meanwhile Bard figues out what the Dwarves are planning so he seeks out a "black arrow" just in case. He ends up being imprisoned by Alfrid for blah blah blah I don't care! Laketown does feature some spectacular action sequences as Legolas and Tauriel track a gang of Orcs to Bard's home and kill most of them in various creative ways. Tauriel abandons Legolas to save Kili with Kingsfoil brought to her by Bofur. But really, whenever I watch this movie I can't wait for Thorin, Bilbo and the rest to get out of the place and make for the Mountain.

                                                     "It is Undoubtedly a Trap"
While Laketown left me fairly cold, Gandalf's escapades had just the opposite effect. In The High Fells ( I think the high fells are another PJ addition but am open to being corrected) he finds that the Nazgul tombs are empty. The "Nine" are risen again and are out! Not an awful lot happens here but the scenery is magnificent. Gandalf is joined by Radagast and they decide to split. Gandalf tells Radagast to warn Galadrial and heads to Dol Guldur. Here he finds Thorin's father, Thrain (in the extended edition) as well as Azog's army and boy was I happy to see Azog. He immediately attacks Gandalf and their exchange is excellent. It shows Azog is fearless and powerful in his own way. He backs down from nothing! Gandalf and Thrain make a run for it as the numbers are against them but they run into Sauron. This pulsating scene sees the end of Thrain and Galdalf is left to face Sauron alone. He fights for all he is worth but the grey pilgrim is no match for Sauron. He soon finds himself in a rusty cage. Defeated! It's an AMAZING scene and it shows how strong Sauron has become. It also leads to a brilliant battle in the next movie...
                           
                                                       "I am Not my Grandfather"           
Say what you will about Jackson but even if you're not a fan of these movies, you must admit that the man litters the movies with some quite beautiful shots. My favourite one in this movie comes at the end of an exchange between Balin and Thorin. Balin can see a change in Thorin and it's not for the better. He warns Thorin that there's a sickness in the mountain and that it drove Thorin's grandfather mad. Thorin's responds, "I am not my grandfather" but as he says that... well just look at this gorgeous shot: 

It's not just the symmetry with Thror's face beside him, it's the look of sadness in Thorin's eyes. There's a resignation about him. He has to do this and I suspect on some level he knows Balin is right. It's perfect!! Perfect shot, perfect acting! Love it!
                                         
                                                 "These movies don't half Dragon"
As mentioned above I'm not big on the Laketown segment of this movie. I think it slows everything down to a crawl and it takes a while to get us back on the rollercoaster. When we get to the mountain, business picks up right quick. Once inside, the Dwarves abandon their burglar to his fate. To face the Dragon, Smaug, and somehow take back the Arkenstone. When The Hobbit was announced, the first thing I thought of was: Dragon! Like the Riddles scene, the Mirkwood scene and the Barrel scene, Smaug needed to be a sight to behold! Once again, PJ and his fx team deliver the goods. Smaug is amazing and is voiced deliciously visciously by Benedict Cumberbatch! A genius move. He adds a menace to Smaug that is palpable but there's clearly a sociopath and megalomaniac in there too all of which make him tremendous fun. Hs battle of wits with Bilbo is glorious. He senses something about Bilbo, "something made of gold but far more.... precious". Freeman is again on superb form in the scene. He plays the fool to perfection and it is clear that Smaug knows he's no fool but finds him entertaining nonetheless. He almost apologises when he finally decides to bring Bilbo to his end. Of course Bilbo uses the ring and gets the hell out of there. A quietly menacing scene with Thorin follows in which the Dwarf draws his sword on Bilbo asking about the Arkenstone. Smaug inevitably attacks and another one hundred mile an hour action sequence begins. The Dwarves find what's left of the kin they left in the mountain after Smaug's attack. It is sad and it gives you a sense of doom. How are they going to get out of this? Of course Thorin finds a way to defeat the Dragon, or so he thinks. Pouring boiling hot gold over the fire-drake only serves to annoy Smaug and the movie ends with a furious Dragon heading for Laketown (he can smell the town on the Dwarves) for a bit of fire ejaculation.      
       

Final Thoughts: First time I saw this, I fell in love with it. For the most part it holds up and only comes unstuck in Laketown 8/10.                

Defending The Hobbit Trilogy (An Unexpected Journey Edition)

Let me preface this by saying that I know the Hobbit movies are not perfect. This blog, like the movies, will go on a bit. I'm also going to assume you've seen the movies so there won't be much in the way of plot explanation. If you've started reading this and haven't seen the movies. STOP!!! Watch them, they're great.

                                                              Adapt Or Die
Let's address the Oliphaunt in the room. The changes from book to screen. They are many, they are large and I am not going to get hung up on them because this is an ADAPTATION. Suffice to say "All good stories deserve embellishment." Whether people like it or not, the story was always going to have to, ya know, adapt to film. In fairness, Jackson uses much of Tolkien's appendicies to flesh out the story and all of this is welcome. We all know the book is a great bit of whimsy. Rare is the movie that is a straight adaptation of a book. Things that work in books don't always fly in movies. Because of this, The Hobbit comes in for a lot of Tolkien fanboy pounding. Given how some folk reacted you'd swear The Hobbit was the first movie to make major changes from book to film. Of course, this is not the case. (Google Jaws book to movie changes for fun times)

After the huge success of the Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit was always going to be a "link up" set of movies and it succeeds as such. Should it have been two movies as originally planned? Maybe. There's certainly a strong case for it. But given the near $3bn in box office returns, there was clearly an appetite for three movies.

                                                          Unexpected Issues
The Shire has long been a place of fond memories for us Rings fans. It starts out the same way in The Hobbit as Bilbo sits down to write his book and shares some screen time with Frodo. This is most welcome indeed and reminds us of all those lovely scenes from Fellowship. After a very exciting Erebor backstory narrated by a reminiscing Bilbo (played by the incomparable Ian Holm) the "Good morning" scene kicks in and we remain charmed. However the tone changes when, later that night, a seemingly endless stream of Dwarves show up along with Gandalf and they are hungry. Poor Bilbo has no idea what is happening and it is here that Jackson drops the ball. Attempts at humour fall, mostly, flat and only about half of the Dwarves are interesting leaving quite a few you could easily do without. Out of the thirteen that show up only Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Kili, Fili, Gloin and maybe Dori are genuiely interesting. The rest get their moments in the trilogy, James Nesbitt's Bofur has a couple of nice scenes but for the most part the aformentioned seven are where it's at.

An Unexpected party ensues and it's pretty fucking terrible stuff. I was genuinely worried when our band of merry Dwarves started singing about Bilbo's cutlery. Of course, Tolkien's books are full of songs and poems but this is one scene that should not have even been filmed.

It is a little unfair to place Radagast The Brown in the "issues" section as he becomes a good character as the movies progress. However, given the mixed bag that the early part of AUJ is, I feel like Radagast's intro needed to be stronger. We find the Istari in the forest trying to save a hedgehog. Ugh! Anyway he gets back to his house and uses his magic to find out why the hedgehog is sick. As he does this his home is attacked by spiders. Radagast saves the hedgehog and the spiders go back to the depths of Mirkwood (you'd asssume). It's a pretty dull scene. If this is all that's wrong with Middle Earth then call Rentokill.

                                                  Expected Acting Excellence
It's worth mentioning at this point that, from a very early point in the movie it becomes obvious that Martin Freeman is a fucking genius. His performance is absolutely top drawer. His comedic timing is wonderful and his scenes with Sir Ian McKellen are both funny and essential as they fill the movie with a warmth that pops off the screen and wrap this viewer in a security blanket of joy!

McKellen is so at home playing Gandalf by now that we're almost underwhelmed by his brilliance. Almost.

Richard Armitage as Thorin is also highly watchable. He is a bit "one note" initially, but it's a good note and, like Radagast, he mproves as the movies progress. He also has a decent singing voice. This scene more than makes up for the "Blunt the Forks" shite. Misty Mountains Cold sets a foreboding tone that hints at later tragedies in the trilogy:

                                                            Azog's Gripe
Movies like this need strong bad guys! My favourite of the bunch is Azog. He's just so happy to be evil that you can't help but enjoy the chap's attitude. He fucking hates Thorin because the Dwarf who would be King took his arm off in the battle for Moria. Mind you this was in response to Azog taking Thorin's grandfather's head so, ya know... swings and roundabouts. No chance of them "hugging it out" here, this is pure hatred on both sides. Thorin has convinced himself that Azog "slunk back into the hole whence he came" and "died of his wounds long ago". This is clearly denial and it shows that Thorin fears Azog the Defiler. He is right to.

Sauron hasn't gone full eye tower yet but his power is growing and rapidly. He appears to Radagast in Dol Guldur as a kind of wraith and there's a menace about him. It's a nice little portent of things to come not just in this trilogy but the Lord of the Rings also.

Radagast knows something is fucked in Denmark and, as mentioned above, he goes to Dol Guldur to see what is going on. In a scene which helps us get on board with the little forest wizard, the Witch-King of Angmar appears and attacks him with a Morgul blade. The Nazgul is too weak to continue the fight and Radagast is able to take the morgul blade from him. It's a nice adrenaline pumper. Again, like Sauron above it sets the scene for later adrenaline filled confrontations.

                                              "Look Frodo, it's Mr. Bilbo's trolls"
The much loved troll scene is so embedded in fantasy folklore that it needed to be nailed. Thankfully it is a success. Great work again from Freeman leads to an exciting rescue by Gandalf. The special fx are again terrific here. Each of the trolls have different personalities and characteristics. When they finally turn to stone, it looks exactly how you'd imagine someone turning to stone would look... I think. One criticism aimed at these movies is they cost twice as much as the Lord of the Rings but look half as good. This is preposterous. There are obvious improvements in fx, especially in creature fx and Rivendell seems richer too. The reason these movies cost so much more is because back in 2000 you had no idea who WETA were? You knew who ILM were, but WETA? Nope. Now, since their amazing work in the Lord ofthe Rings trilogy, King Kong etc etc everyone knows who they are and that's fair enough. They are the best fx house in the world and if you want the best you're going to pay for it. It was money well spent in my opinion.

                                                       "This Way You Fools"
Having tracked down Gandalf and the company, Radagast leads a party of Orcs away from our heroes in a very exciting scene. It's another sequence that endears you to the little Istari and his Rhosgobel Rabbits pulling him on his sleigh are a sight to behold. It's another PJ addition to the movie that rubbed many the wrong way. I've no time to be bothered by such insignificant additions. In fact, they are a hugely enjoyable part of this excellent chase scene which also features Wargs and Orcs. The company escape to the refuge of Rivendell. Of course the Dwarves are not happy to be in the company of Elves but they stay on the promise of food...
Lord Elrond (not in the book) questions Gandalf about Thorin and his crew. Gandalf is reluctant to say why it is he is in such company but finally cracks when he's led to a meeting with Saruman the White (not in the book) and Lady Galadrial (not in the book). It is a scene that brings the story threads together. Gandalf explains his actions and his fears. Saruman is unimpressed but Lady Galadrial believes in him. She also figures out that Gandalf is buying time for the Dwarves to leave Rivendell and continue the quest. She's impressed and we see a half smile. It's a wonderfully subtle moment between Gandalf and Galadrial. These powerhouse actors play the scene pitch perfectly. Galadrial and Gandalf have grown closer, something which pisses a lot of people off but again, I love it! It all leads to one of my favourite scenes, not just in An Unexpected Journey but in all of cinema. McKellen makes me tear up every single time! Look out for the hands at the end of the scene, it is something that is played on again in The Battle of the Five Armies:

                                 
And so the movie rips along. The dwarves stumble into a fight between stone giants. Another great spectacle ends with our company taking refuge in a mountain crevice. Unfortunately this leads them to the Goblin Kingdom where Bilbo becomes separated from them. The company are once again rescued by Gandalf and a truly memorable action sequence takes place. "To arms" shouts Gandalf and the dwarves find themselves in a fight to the death against a huge army of Goblins. Peter Jackson let's the camera off the noose here and some fantastic cinema ensues. Oooh and aaah moment after moment but even more thrilling is Bilbo's encounter with a Middle Earth legend.

                                                         Riddles in the Dark
Talk about pressure! This is maybe the most famous and loved piece of all of the stories of Middle Earth. It's one of the many jewels in Tolkien's crown. This needed to be perfect. Not good. Not great... PERFECT!!! Peter jackson, Andy Serkis and Martin Freeman are more than up to the task. The scene is a fucking doozie. I'll never tire of it. The riddles, the humour and the mixture of sympathy and revulsion that you feel whenever Gollum is on screen. And how could I forget Howard fucking Shore!? We all remember the music from the scene in Fellowship when Frodo and Gandalf discuss Bilbo's treatment of Gollum. Frodo wondering why Bilbo didn't kill him. Gandalf explaining it was "pity that stayed his hand". We get to see this scene played out superbly by the actors and then the same beautiful music kicks in and all the wounds/memories we took from the Mines of Moria re-open as Bilbo shows Gollum mercy. Cinematic gold! It's worth noting Gollum looks better than ever here. There have been technological advances in special fx and they are evident here.

So the company escape the Goblin cave and Bilbo gains the Ring of Power from Gollum. The movie ends on another excellent sequence where Azog and his band of orcs seemingly have the company trapped. Thorin faces off against Azog but is less successful this time, Azog's Warg takes Thorin down and is about to feast on him when Bilbo saves Thorin with a spectacular show of courage. He launches himself at the Warg and Sting in hand, he faces the enormous creature. All seems lost but Gandalf has requested aid from the Eagles. They arrive just in time and deliver everyone from certain death. They leave the company on a mountain that resembles a bear (set up for Beorn). It's a truly gorgeous sight to behold. Thorin cannot believe he is alive and he thanks Bilbo profusely, thus solidifying the hobbit's status among the group.

Final thoughts: A few early missteps are absolutely dwarfed (ahem) by some dazzling sequences and superb acting from messers Freeman and McKellen. 9/10.