Whitewashing and Racism in Hollywood: My Two Cents

Whitewashing is a casting practice in the film industry of the United States in which white actors are cast in historically non-white character roles.

See that picture of Mickey Rooney? I've laughed at that... many times. Not in a funny way (at least not entirely) but in a "how the fuck did anyone think this was okay?" kind of way... You might say it was a different time but just because this happened in 1961 doesn't make it any less wrong.
Whitewashing has long been a problem in Hollywood but it has evolved into something else today. There's a quiet racism at work in the industry that shows no sign of going away. Chris Rock explains it much better than I (apologies in advance for the Jennifer Lawrence footage):

I think that's a very fair assessment of where we're at. I would like to add though that I've seen Concussion and in no fucking universe was Will Smith nomination worthy. He was good. He was his usual magnetic, charming self. Oscar worthy? Erm, no.

There continues to be a fuck-ton of accusations aimed at movies, actors, directors and as shown above, awards ceremony organisers. Many of these are justified but some are not. Some are actually complete bollocks and come from what I can only assume is some kind of liberal white guilt that means well but, as my god fearing friends would say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Here's just a few of my favourites.
                                                                   
                                          Matt Damon and The Great Wall Of China

Matt Damon has said some stupid fucking things in the recent past but I think we can all agree, he seems like a decent chap whose heart is in the right place. Last year, Damon starred in a movie called The Great Wall. Here's the clip:

Soon after the movie came out, the White Guilt Brigade piped up with their accusations of whitewashing. Now, you can argue the toss all day about white actors playing actual Asians and you'll win those arguments but when a movie comes out about a load of monsters attacking China you need to take a step back... and that really should be the end of it but never underestimate a whiney liberal. With no historical frame of reference they quickly shifted their argument in another direction: "The main role should have gone to a Chinese actor" they screamed. So let's see. A fictional story of a foreigner helping the Chinese fight off hordes of monsters should have had a Chinese lead... Why? Seriously, why? "He's white and I'm sick of seeing white people save the world" (for the record a Chinese woman does the world saving in the movie but don't let the facts get in the way of your self loathing). Then don't watch it. Watch Hero or House of Flying Daggers or Curse of the Golden Flower (that's FLOWER down the back). Hero in particular is beautiful and not a westerner in sight.

The Great Wall was a joint Chinese/American venture and as it happens the Chinese company sought out Matt Damon to play the part. Last word to the man himself: "the role was always intended to be European,” saying that “once people see that it's a monster movie and it's a historical fantasy and I didn't take a role away from a Chinese actor ... it wasn't altered because of me in any way.” The only thing you can accuse this movie of is being a bit silly. Whitewashing? Get a fucking grip!

                                                  Tilda Swinton Meets Dr. Strange

I went to see Dr. Strange and I was engrossed from start to finish. As you know by now I detest comics so I had no idea what I was going to see. The cast boasted several world class thespians (that's THESPIANS down the back) including Tilda Swinton. I've always been more fascinated by than a fan of Tilda Swinton. There's just something about her that unsettles me. Obviously it's down to the characters she plays rather than the person she is but in Dr. Strange she was completely wonderful. I loved her character. I loved her performance and she was, in my view, the best thing about the movie. I was deeply upset when she bought it (assuming she has, nobody dies at Marvel Towers) and my wife agreed as we gushed over the movie in the car on the way home. The next day, I started to look up reviews etc to see how the movie was doing and that was when I saw the accusations of whitewashing. Swinton's role should have gone to an Asian, they yelled!

Her character "The Ancient One" was originally an old Asian man. They could live with the character being female but British? Unacceptable! The MNAAA (look it up) blasted the director and the writer. Kelly Hu (who?) chimed in and you know what? I saw their point... for a while.
Swinton is far too classy for all this social media bollocks but she was upset by the accusations. She reached out to Margaret Cho, through email, for guidance. What Cho did after that was disgraceful. On a podcast she said she felt like Swinton's "house Asian" (through email? really?) and made a big deal about Swinton not wanting the emails published. Swinton got wind of this and (brilliantly) put Cho in her place by showing everyone the emails. You can read them here: http://www.vulture.com/2016/12/read-tilda-swintons-emails-to-margaret-cho-doctor-strange-controversy.html Bottom line, Cho adds nothing to the "Hollywood bad" argument. And again, I'd be in agreement but for one thing... If big bad Hollywood had gone to the source, ie the comics and cast this character accurately, this is what they would have been casting:

Cast that and don't cause controversy, I fucking dare you!!!

                                                                   Godzilla

I'm going to keep this one short. FUCK. OFF!!!!

Let's take a breath and discuss actual whitewashing. There have been some recent examples that are hilarious. My personal favourite? Emma Stone was cast as a Chinese/Hawaiian in Cameron Crowe's spectacular misfire, Aloha. That's right. They cast this lady

to play a woman of Chinese/Hawaiian decent. Aloha is a movie that spends much of its running time making no sense at all and I have to assume it does this to try to distract everyone from the fact that Emma Stone was cast in this role. It fails.

The above is impossible to top but these two come close...

 and...

I've long since grown tired of seeing Johnny Depp wearing more make up than Motley Crew and wearing stupid fucking hats but there's just something spectacularly wrong seeing him in this get up. Having endured the movie, I found no solace in his performance either. As for Jake Gyllenhall. Well, who do you get of play the Prince of Persia? Literally fucking anyone else...

                                                   Tom Cruise and The Last Samurai

When I went to see this movie in the cinema, whitewashing was a phrase I'd never heard aimed at movies. I'd seen the clip. I'm a fan of Crusie. Edward Zwick makes gorgeous looking movies. Yeah, I was always going to go see this one. The movie was a financial success and has a lot more good reviews than bad. It's interesting that a big Hollywood movie of this size has gone relatively under the radar with the whitewashy folk. Only recently has it taken flak from John Oliver in a hilarious segment about whitewashing. Why is this?

Well, everyone has a blog (ahem) a facebook page, a twitter account (I gave up on twitter in 2012) a platform to voice their rage. And boy do we love doing it. Look at me go!!! We live in a world of immediacy. It's shiny object syndrome. Why take a shot at a movie that came out fourteen years ago when we can attack Dr. Strange? It doesn't matter that these characters aren't real, we get to shout and look like we care about social justice because Tilda Swinton played a cartoon character. This is our world right now, sadly.

So is The Last Samurai whitewashing? The character of Nathan Algren is fictional and he's American. So no, no it isn't. Not even a little. If this is about you not enjoying white heroics in foreign lands I again ask you to watch something else... Seriously, Hero is amazing! Or Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Also incredible. The rest of us will enjoy The Last Samurai for the triumphant actioner it is. Have a look at this scene:

                                                                         Dunkirk

Moving away from the east and much closer to home, Christopher Nolan hasn't escaped the white guilt crosshairs for his depiction of the events at Dunkirk during World War 2. The gripe? Whitewashing. Why? There's no Indians or Africans in the movie. Nolan has yet to comment and truly, that is the wisest course of action. You cannot reason with these people. They see problems where there aren't any and it doesn't matter that people who actually survived the event thought the movie was incredibly accurate. Oh no. You sir, Dunkirk survivor or not, are wrong.

According to John Broich, an associate professor of history at Case Western Reserve University there were "maybe a few hundred Indian soldiers" among hundreds of thousands on the beach. As far as I'm concerned that's check mate on this issue. Could there have been Indians in the movie? Sure. Did there need to be Indians in the movie? No.

As for the Africans. Again according to Broich: "soldiers from Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, and elsewhere were key to delaying the German attack." All manner of heroics were carried out by these brave soldiers and they made unquantifiable sacrifices. And you know what, I want to see that movie. I think I would enjoy it a great deal. Here's the thing though, Dunkirk is NOT THAT MOVIE!!! But we live in an age where facts are becoming less and less important. Feelings are all the rage and that is a dangerous place to be.

But since I brought feelings up, Dunkirk made me feel like an entitled prick. The things these people endured compared to what we complain about today... I can't verbalise how embarrassed I am by this and it's laughable that whitewashing is what some people latch on to after such a harrowing and powerful movie.

                                                      Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

I fucking loved Rogue One. It had grit, it had fun, it had action, it had amazing fx and it had a great cast. While I watched the movie and was blown away by it, it never occurred to me that the cast was so diverse. I only realised this when I took to the internet to check on reviews to see if others shared my enthusiasm. Many did but there was this other voice. A voice that made me want to throw my laptop at the wall. This voice stated: "having such a diverse cast is an obvious and cynical ploy by the studio to appeal to as many people as possible to secure as much money as possible." I just don't know how to respond to that. But let's just assume, for shits and gigs, what they're saying is true. It doesn't matter! Why? Because these guys were awesome:

If it was a cynical cash grab then cash grab away Hollywood. If you continue to hit us with brilliant characters like these two then work away I say.

It would be naïve of me not to mention money. Ridley Scott recently came under fire for his tactless quote about the movie Exodus: Gods and Kings. Scott's quote: “I can’t mount a film of this budget, where I have to rely on tax rebates in Spain, and say that my lead actor is Mohammad so-and-so from such-and-such. I’m just not going to get it financed. So the question doesn’t even come up.” Ouch! Wretched comment but the fact is Christian Bale will get you financed and all movies, from An American Tale to Zombieland are made to make money.

Here's another hard to face truth. Exodus: Gods and Kings cost about $140m and made about $270m. Would it have fared better with a cast more appropriate to the story? The answer to this should be a resounding yes but in all honesty, we just don't know.

Which brings me back to Chris Rock. During his opening at the Oscars he asked for black actors to get more opportunities. And he's of course correct. It should go further though. Give people from all backgrounds and all ethnicities the same chances and choices that white actors get. That way we can avoid nonsense like John Wayne playing Genghis Khan (seriously, that happened) and it'll hopefully go some way to stopping people crying over problems where there aren't any.

"But there are problems G," I hear you say. Yes, I know but your bullshit revolution is getting in the way of actual revolution. You're bitching about Matt Damon fighting dragons in China when you should be asking why there's still a gender pay gap or worse a gender/colour pay gap. While you're agreeing with Jada for saying Will should have been nominated you're forgetting that only one black actress has ever won an academy award for best actress. And you're screaming at La La Land for being about white people like that's some sort of crime. When that didn't wash (ahem) you said it was whitewashing Jazz ... I'll let John Legend take that one: "Well, black people certainly did invent jazz, and there's a lot of wonderful black jazz musicians playing right now, and a lot of wonderful jazz musicians of other races playing right now. I don't think it should be the responsibility of one film to tell the overarching narrative of jazz. If we were relying on La La Land to do that, then clearly it doesn't tell the full story of jazz. But a filmmaker portraying a certain point of view, their perspective, then it's OK that it doesn't incorporate every perspective.

The only way it would be a shame is if it were supposed to be a representation of all jazz and all things jazz, but I think it's more from [director Damien Chazelle's] point of view. This is the story he wanted to tell. Because it's gotten so big, it's gotten that added pressure on it to be the jazz film, and if it is the jazz film, then it does underrepresent the influence of black people. But if it's just a great film from one filmmaker's point of view — it's great at doing that."

I've been called a homophobe because I've no interest in watching Brokeback Mountain (it just looks depressing) and a racist because I've no interest in watching Moonlight (it just looks depressing) those responses to my taste in movies are bonkers but also indicative of the scream first, think later world we live in.

I watched a movie a few months ago called Get Out. It's probably the most intelligent movie I've ever seen. It also happens to be a horror movie. It made me question everything about racism and it genuinely made me wonder if I'm part of the problem. And maybe I am. I'm still wrestling with it. Get Out is honest and I urge everyone to see it. We must continue to look within and ask ourselves if something truly is deserving of our rage and when it is we should scream until we are heard. Save your vitriol for when it really matters. We must not dilute actual travesties with irrational sympathy.

Cheers,

G.

Rotten or Fresh?

We're coming up on 20 years since the launch of Rotten Tomatoes and it's been in the news a fair bit in recent times. So, does Rotten Tomatoes really matter? Does it impact at all on box office returns? Or is it just a place to go out of interest/morbid curiosity?

Admit it, you've all been there. Patiently awaiting the reviews of that movie you've been looking forward to for fucking months. I do it all the time!!! Right now I'm monitoring Alien: Covenant sitting pretty on an RT score of 75% at the time of writing and a couple of weeks ago I was desperately hoping for a high score for Guardians of the Galaxy 2, also sitting pretty on 81%. But before we go any further, an explanation of rotten tomatoes is probably prudent just in case you live under a rock... or Achill Island.

Click on this link: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/jaws as you can see Jaws has a rotten tomatoes score of 97%. The average rating is 9.2 out of 10 and out of 74 reviews 72 are "fresh" while 2 assholes gave it a "rotten" review. There's a few things to absorb here. 97% is an aggregate score of the reviews collected by the site. While that is a fantastic result, what you need to note is the average rating (under the tomato) Jaws gets a 9.2/10 which is staggering. There are many fresh movies that get by on an average score of 6.5/10. So that'll get you a fresh result but 6.5 ain't a 9.2 is it... here's a good example: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/phantasm_remastered_2016 Also worth looking at is the audience response. Some movies get absolutely lambasted by critics but are much more warmly received by audiences. Last years Batman V Superman (more on this later) took a critical mauling (28%) with an average score of 4.9/10 but fared better with audiences (63%) with an average score of 3.6/5: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/batman_v_superman_dawn_of_justice

Moving on. The first time I can remember any major controversies with RT was back in 2012 when it had a comment section open to the public. Christopher Nolan's Rise of the Dark Knight was imminent and the first swell of reviews were positive but, as generally happens, not everyone loved the movie. The first reviewer to dare to post anything even slightly negative, Marshall Fine, was bombarded with comments that ranged from mother's basement nerd rage to death threats. RT did the only thing they could do. They shut down the comments section. Frankly, it's worrying that people who hadn't even seen the movie felt the need to threaten this guy and it's not like he bashed the movie. He just, quite rightly, pointed out that it was the weakest of the trilogy and found some of it "nonsensical".

I could lash out at nerd rage all day but for the purposes of this blog, the question I want answered is, did rotten tomatoes collection of reviews and subsequent aggregate score (87%) have any bearing on the box office of the movie? Well let's see how much it made: http://www.boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=batman3.htm at just shy of $1.1bn which is a slight increase over the previous instalment which holds a higher rating, you'd have to think it didn't. If the movie had received a slew of negative reviews would it have mattered? That's open to opinion. But a movie as successful as this only makes that kind of money if a lot of people go to see it more than once. Clearly this was a well liked movie and people did go back.

Now let's look at another hugely anticipated movie, also a third part, that wasn't so warmly received. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. This movie sits on a rotten score of 59% which is just 1% shy of a fresh score. With an average score of 6.3/10 the critics just weren't that into it. How did it fare at the box office? http://www.boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=hobbit3.htm As you can see $956m is more than enough to compensate for lukewarm reviews and the audience response was much warmer than the critical one. Again, you'd have to say that RT had little or no bearing on the general public.

So what is all the fuss about? Well back in March 2016, Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice flew into our screens and despite a decent early buzz, it was absolutely battered by critics. A couple of months ago Brett Ratner (pictured below with The Rock and Eddie Murphy) was speaking at the Sun Valley Film Festival where he described Rotten Tomatoes as “The worst thing that we have in today’s movie culture". He went on:  “I think it’s the destruction of our business. I have such respect and admiration for film criticism. When I was growing up film criticism was a real art. And there was intellect that went into that. And you would read Pauline’s Kael’s reviews, or some others, and that doesn’t exist anymore. Now it’s about a number. A compounded number of how many positives vs. negatives. Now it’s about, ‘What’s your Rotten Tomatoes score?’ And that’s sad, because the Rotten Tomatoes score was so low on Batman v Superman I think it put a cloud over a movie that was incredibly successful.”

Whatever you think about Ratner's movies, there is no doubting the man is a giant of the industry and his words matter. The problem he faces here is rotten tomatoes only post opinions by other people. RT itself doesn't have an opinion in its review section. So attacking the site's reviews means you're attacking opinions. So when Ratner says film criticism was a real art but RT is the destruction of the business, it could be argued that he's attacking the very thing he purports to admire. Or to put it another way: numbers don't make shit up, people do!

So is it accurate? Or does Ratner have a point? Well, let's do a little experiment. Think of a movie that you know to be brilliant and adored the world over. For the purposes of this blog I will pick The Godfather. I think we can all agree that meets the criteria. So what is the RT score? https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/godfather Now think of a movie you know to be utter dreck. I will run with Transformers 2. So what is the RT score? https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/transformers_revenge_of_the_fallen Now think of a movie that you fucking adore but you know is a terrible movie. I'm gonna go with Friday the 13th part 2. What's the score? https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/friday_the_13th_part_2 As far as I'm concerned those three results are absolutely spot on.

Another superb acid test as to the validity of RT that you can do in your own time? The movies of M. Night Shyamalan. I mean, it's pretty fucking spot on even if I enjoy some of the ones that were panned...

Bottom line, if film makers are worried about a fucking movie review site it's a good thing. Because your movies will get reviewed, there will be an aggregate score and if your movie is terrible the score will reflect this. If you want to avoid this, MAKE BETTER MOVIES!!! Brett Ratner is responsible for the Rush Hour trilogy...

Cheers,

G.

Tone Block?

A friend of mine is going to see the RTE Orchestra play along with the 90's smash hit movie Independence Day next month. I've watched this orchestra do the same for Return of the King (more on ROTK later) and they are amazing. So I thought about going to the ID4 gig myself... for about 3 seconds. See, I watched the movie pretty recently in preparation for a viewing of the sequel. As I watched I was solidly entertained opening 20 minutes or so. But as the movie went on something just wasn't sitting right with me. I couldn't place it. Then suddenly it hit me, or rather Will Smith hits an alien in the face and quips "Now that's what I call a Close Encounter" before lighting up a cigar.

After half of the world has been blown to smithereens and countless lives have been lost, jokes and a general "yee haw" attitude permeates the movie. The (appalling) sequel doesn't deviate from this either. "They like to get the landmarks" says Jeff Goldblum in the face of horrific destruction. It's a strange reaction at best.

Compare that to Spielberg's take on War of the Worlds, a very similar movie to ID4. A bridge explodes and a terrified Dakota Fanning screams "Is it the terrorists?" as Tom Cruise floors it in the vehicle looking terrified. Later Dakota sees something no kid should see. No "snappy" dialogue here. Take a look:

Tone. It's a thing and it seems to be getting lost among spectacle. That's not to say War of the Worlds doesn't have its fair share of special fx. It really does, many of them are incredible but how the actors react is hugely important. If Tom Cruise had said "I'm just eager to whoop ET's ass" in this movie it would have been completely wrong. When Will Smith says it in Independence Day it's met with a chorus of laughter from his air force buddies. It leaves me more than a bit confused. But there are other examples of this.

                                             Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Before I get into this, I want to state for the record that I adore this movie and this is a quibble, not a deal breaker for me. For the most part, the people in this movie react as you'd expect to the horrific destruction thrown at them from the Mordor hordes. But two of our heroes, Legolas and Gimli, decide to make a game out of all the killing. This started in the previous instalment at the battle of Helm's Deep and is equally distracting in that one. But in ROTK the Pelennor Fields are literally red with blood. King Theodyn led the Rohirrim charge "FOR DEATH". And boy is there death on these fields. But here comes Elfy and Dwarfy for some fun and frolics. It's distracting! Check it out:

                                                                     Titanic

Perhaps the most tonally jarring movie ever made, Titanic does such an incredible job of showing you the devastating events of that fateful night that pitting that against the backdrop of a love story really shouldn't work and, for me at least, it doesn't. Don't get me wrong, Titanic is a movie I can watch and enjoy on a technical level and I get sucked into much of what happens but the dollops of romance just don't feel appropriate. It's difficult to hold onto a love story with the sounds of 1500 people dying nearby.

The things that happen on the ship in the days before the sinking are on some level, fun. But when you know what's coming it just feels a little bit off. The movie wants you to care for these two characters so much that you're devastated when one of them eventually dies. When Jack and Rose kiss at the front of the Titanic the scene ends with a stark reminder of what awaits them and it's truly chilling. Take a look:



By the time Leo succumbs to the cold of the Atlantic, we've witnessed so much death that I was all out of sadness for these two. I mean, yeah I felt bad for them but hearing the constant screams of terrified and dying people loomed large and was far more impactful than the death of Jack Dawson.

There's a line delivered by the late, great Bill Paxton near the end of the movie, "Three years I've thought of nothing except Titanic, but I never got it, I never let it in." One could argue that despite James Cameron's obsession with the ill fated ocean liner, perhaps he doesn't quite get it either...

                                                                    Man of Steel
One of the many criticisms thrown at MOS is the wanton destruction and general disregard for life in the movie. As it happens, this was a huge plot point for the sequel but at the time nobody had any idea that this was the way things were going to go, I'm not even convinced the film makers knew... But as a guy who enjoys these movies I still have an issue with the moment when Lois and Superman first kiss. It happens toward the end of the movie and, well, just watch:

So again we have countless dead among the ruins of Metropolis and this is the moment when they decide to kiss. The dialogue after doesn't help either. It really shouldn't have been in there at all but with all the dazzling spectacle going on, perhaps they felt a "human" moment was needed. This was not the way to go.

There are movies that set out to make you laugh and feel uncomfortable at the same time. Some of these movies are terrific. Get Out is rife with it, Creep is another and The Gift rounds out a solid trilogy of "don't wanna see but can't look away" movies. Here's a very simple but very effective scene from Creep:

  

That's a superb example of how a movie can make us laugh, feel uncomfortable and be a little scared all at once but crucially, there's no ill conceived comedy or inappropriate reaction to genuinely disturbing happenings.

Get Out makes you question whether or not you are racist and has more dark humour (no pun intended) than I could actually take. A brave stance for sure and I'm glad the movie is reviewing well and has been accepted by a large audience. The Gift is a little more conventional but will definitely stay with you.

So there's my little rant for the day. Feel free to share your tonally awkward movies or let me know if you agree or disagree.

Cheers,

G.

Games Played and Enjoyed... Mostly

Been a while since I've blogged about crap that doesn't matter so here I go again. I managed to plough through some great games and one terrible one since Batman Arkham Knight. I'll start with a great one.

                                                         Uncharted 4: A Thief's End

You've probably played at least one Uncharted game before and assuming you have, you know exactly what to expect here. Tomb Raider-esque gameplay, gorgeous graphics, solid voice acting, clever (if delicate) puzzles and shooting... lots of shooting. Oh and Crash Bandicoot! Seriously, he's in there. I'll come back to that!

Mercifully not called Drake's 4tune, Uncharted 4 starts in a prison. Nathan Drake is there, more or less by choice scoping out a job. He's in there with his older brother and in usual Nathan Drake fashion, things turn to shit and the brother is shot and killed... It is here that I will leave the plot as I don't want to ruin anything for you.

Suffice to say, Uncharted 4 is probably the best looking video game I've ever seen. That shouldn't count for much but when something looks this dazzling, it deserves to be praised. Whether it's mountain vistas or deep in the catacombs, graphically Uncharted 4 is a triumph. It doesn't have the same level as isolation as something like Skyrim but then Uncharted has never been a free roaming adventure. It gives a sense of scale but keeps you very much on a trail. A distractingly beautiful trail but a trail nonetheless.

There is an option to play the game with stealth or go in guns blazing. You'll probably end up killing as many assholes as possible with stealth before being caught and going all Rambo on whomever remains. I found this the most satisfying way to play.

There's also a pretty serious attempt by the writers to add depth to the characters and while it is a bit heavy handed, it's a welcome addition. I have nothing but praise for Uncharted 4. If this is the end, it certainly satisfied me. If the smell of cash gets too much for Naught Dog, I'd be happy to jump on for Uncharted 5. If you own a PS4 and you like adventure games, this is an absolute must own!

Oooh I almost forgot, there's a wonderful scene early in the game where our charming hero turns on a PS1 and plays Crash Bandicoot...awesomely, you play on his behalf. It really is quite clever because as much fun as it is, it also confirms that games are much better now...
Score: 9/10 Trophy count: 21%

                                                                   DOOM

There was a definite fear factor involved when I loaded up the latest installment of DOOM. The old games, you see, are still wonderful. They look dated now but it matters not. Seeing a Doom creature or even a Doom key card immediately brings back memories. All of them good. The sounds of distant creatures, the aggression of the beasts not just against you but against each other. The genius of the level design and the simplicity of the premise: just shoot anything that moves. Doom may be the most beloved franchise in gaming history. Even the (unfairly) maligned Doom 3 has now got a sizable following. So yes, there was trepidation when I loaded up my new Doom. It lasted about 30 seconds...

Doom immediately has you killing and maiming creatures in all manner of industrious ways and honestly, the intensity of those old games is replicated and at times, even surpassed. Doom is a fucking delight. Again, the beauty is in the simplicity. If it moves, kill it. There are diversions and additions, power ups and even a "plot" but you didn't come here for any of that. You came here to kill monsters. Here's a random clip of the joys within:

If I had one gripe with Doom it'd be that some of the later bosses were extremely tough but that could just be me being a rubbish gamer and truth be told a little patience was all I needed to overcome those difficulties. Bottom line, if you like old Doom you'll like new Doom. One tip, turn all background music off (fucking awful death metal shite) it's way more atmospheric hearing the noises of creatures and victims in the distance.
Score 9/10 Trophy Count: 31%

                                                Duke Nukem 20th Anniversary

Following on from the state of the art brilliance of Doom 4 I picked up and chewed through Duke Nukem's brilliant 20th Anniversary re-release. So what do you get? You get four classic Duke games to blast your way through, all of the trade mark non pc Duke comments are present and correct. You also get a brand new fifth episode made by the original designers and a few other tech bells and whistles that mean nothing to me. The question is, does it hold up? The answer is a resounding yes!!! Like classic Doom, Duke Nukem will always be brilliant. Sure, it's dated but the level design is bliss and the shoot first ask later attitude is wonderfully satisfying. Duke is still a chauvinist, too old to change him now but he kicks alien ass like no other and while he is very much of his time, the new fifth episode will have you pining for a Duke game update in the same vein as Doom... here's hoping!
Score: 8/10 Trophy Count: 73%

                                                               Resident Evil 6

Where to start with this? They can't all be winners but if you were let down by RE5 you'll be positively beaten down by this entry. Resident Evil 6 is terrible. Really fucking awful. The graphics are fine and some of the weapons are fun but that's where the positive ends. I'm not sure if it's the stupidly over the top action sequences, the terrible dialogue (I know RE has always had terrible dialogue but where it used to be charming, now it's rage inducing) or maybe it's just that this whole enterprise just isn't in any way scary, creepy or interesting. It's really hard to know where to start. I don't know how they could have got it so spectacularly wrong. Is there any joy to be had in using so many classic characters? Eva, Chris, Leon to name but a few... the answer is a hard NO! They're all terrible.

Plot: There's a virus. It mutates people... then it mutates on top of the mutations until you just don't care. Anyway, your job is to kill the hordes of undead using different characters from the RE stable and watch as the game ties up all the different story threads... Fuck me it's a chore! I'm about 70% of the way through, I just don't know if I can see it through to the end. AVOID!!!!
Score: 3/10 Trophy Count:14%

                                                                       Outlast

If RE6 couldn't deliver anything resembling survival horror thrills, Outlast sure as fuck did. Again, the premise is simple: Go to creepy hospital, record your findings, try not to get killed by the horribleness within. Make no mistake, things will try to kill you in this hospital. Most of the attackers are human, there's a "Nemesis from RE3" type of character that's also best avoided and one or two other surprises but the best part of this game is that you don't have any weapons. You have a video camera. You take notes and you record, sometimes to be a journalist, sometimes to use the light supplied by the camera in the darkness.

                          
                           
Outlast is an effective shocker. It is similar to Alien Isolation (though not quite as good) and it doesn't overstay its welcome. I did it in about six hours, a good gamer could easily peel an hour or two off that but while you're playing you will be scared and fully immersed. I wouldn't be paying more than a tenner but it is certainly worth a dip at the right price!
Score: 8/10 Trophy Count: 24%
                                                               Final Fantasy VIISomeone told me a few months ago that FFVII was released on PS4... "whatever" was my response. Then they mentioned trophies.... I had to have them all. And down the rabbit hole I went. It's easy to forget what a cast-iron classic FFVII really is. A victim of it's success it became "cool" to mock it or say FFVI is waaaaay better. People like this should spend less time comparing and more time enjoying. But I digress, getting into FFVII is really, really, easy. The game lures you in with easy battles and an enjoyable story. Materia is still genius and a crucial part of the enjoyment of the game. Limit breaks are still wonderful. There is an option to play the game constantly with limit breaks, at 3 times the speed or without the interruption of random battles. All three of these options can be turned on and off with the touch of a button and you will use them at some point.

But ultimately it was the trophies that brought me back. In my previous playthroughs, I'd never beaten Ruby or Emerald weapon.

Ruby, I'd always found particularly galling insofar as, I'd spend literally hours going toe to toe and Ruby would just straight up cheat by disappearing one or two of my characters and leaving me alone. I learned to use this to my advantage this time around and armed with the proper materia and Knights of the Round I managed to defeat the big fucker! But I did need Knights of the Round and I did need it fully levelled up! And getting it is no easy task!

Knights of the Round is on an island that is only accessible via a Golden Chocobo. This is also something that I didn't bother with on my previous playthroughs but I wanted those trophies and thusly, I needed a Golden Chocobo. Thank frack for a guy on YouTube who showed me a way of doing it really quickly. I won't post here in case he doesn't want me to but if you want to know how, contact me and I'll hook you up.

There were other enjoyable things I did which I hadn't bothered with before. I defeated Emerald Weapon, I got everyone's final limit breaks and I got Don Corneo to pick me over the girls. I also went on a date with Barret which was hilarious and they were tough trophies to get! But I got them and I was most pleased.

One trophy that will boil your piss is the one named "Coming up all nines". This requires you to earn 99,999,999 gil. My initial feeling was that this was a pisstake and impossible! it isn't impossible but it does require grinding. You'll need 72 or so fully raised "All materias" and you'll need to sell them all. Sounds like a lot of work but with the game sped up and grinding in the northern crater where you'll mind magical pots and assuming you've got enough elixirs to throw at them (see below) it is doable in a few hours. There is a trick to getting 99 elixirs and instructions are readily available online...

Final Fantasy VII is just a great game to revisit. Sephiroth is still an amazing villain, the game still sucks you in and the score is just as stirring as it ever was. If you do go back in and want all the trophies, pay close attention to the online guides as it's easy to miss a couple of them. Save often and you should be fine.
Score: 10/10 Trophy Count: 100%

Next I'll be playing Rise of the Tomb Raider and after that I expect it'll be The Last Guardian (assuming they don't delay it for PlayStation 5). I'm sure I'll squeeze a couple more in before I come back. Happy gaming!

Cheers,

G.

Endings: Good Penny, Dreadful Wife.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS!!! If you have not seen The Good Wife's and/or Penny Dreadful's finalés but you intend to, do not read this!!!!!

Been catching up on my television stories lately and thusly I was a bit late to a couple of finalé parties. But as it happens being late to The Good Wife finalé and being right on time for the Penny Dreadful finalé (both series closers) gave me a chance to compare the two. But why would I do such a thing? They are both so different, right? Well, despite the fact that one show is set in modern day Chicago and the other in Victorian England, the lead characters share many similar traits.

1. The lead characters are women forced to carry near unbearable burdens.
2. They are both surrounded by a team of people who support their endeavours.
3. They are both immensely powerful.
4. They are both constantly under attack.
5. They are both creatively sneaky in a fight. Vanessa Ives (Penny Dreadful) will turn to evil to do God's work. Alicia Florrick (The Good Wife) will use her popularity to influence a jury...
6. The "love interests" are deeply flawed in each show.
7. They spend a lot of time trying to isolate themselves from people who might actually make them happy.

Other similarities? Eva Green and Julianna Margulies are both astounding actors. Green's casting as Vanessa Ives was pure genius. When just having a normal day she is utterly charming, we like her. When in fight mode she is required to dominate the screen and really sell a demonic side to an otherwise charming woman. There were times when her screen chewing antics literally took my fucking breath away.

Actually I should mention that above clip is from an episode spent nearly entirely in a cell, features three actors in the entire episode and it's astounding!

Margulies casting as Alicia Florrick was equally effective. When it was required or when cornered Alicia Florrick channelled some inner demons of her own and let fly. But she was always at her best when keeping her cool with a quiet dignity in the face of vicious adversity. This one was quality:



Both these women faced a never ending stream of shit, horrible odds and little comfort. But they faced it all nonetheless. And this is why we loved them. How they look didn't hurt either (yes I find them attractive, sue me). How they were written was, of course crucial. For the most part, The Good Wife absolutely nailed Alicia's arc. She starts out the victim, quickly turns things around and eventually goes on the offensive. Penny was also a victim but embraced the best and interestingly the worst of herself in order to fight and eventually overcome her obstacles.

And so to the finalés of these two stellar shows. First up: The Good Wife. Season 7 was doing it for me. It wasn't the strongest season but it was holding my interest nicely and I liked where it was going. I liked the new investigator, Jason Crouse who was Alicia's new love interest. So what are my issues?
Cary Agos (arguably Alicia's closest friend whether she'd admit it or not) left his job as the politics within the office began to wear him down. Cary is told he has to testify in the case against Peter and it really should have been a bigger deal. It was barely a footnote in the episode and he went out with a whimper. Pity. He deserved better than being wrapped up in a teaching gig or whatever the hell that was...

While on the stand Diane's husband, Kurt is accused having an affair with a former student of his. She's a gorgeous blonde gun enthusiast who does the same job as Kurt and is trying to buy his business. This is just a terrible development shoehorned into the finalé and I cannot understand why, especially since we never get to know whether the alleged affair actually took place or not. Alicia is responsible for bringing this to light. Not only is she responsible for this but she gets her friend Lucca Quinn to do her dirty work. Now, you're either the kind of person who's fine with this or you're the kind of person who is wondering where the fuck this side of Alicia came from because in one fell swoop she fucked over Lucca, humiliated Diane and may have destroyed a marriage and she did it for a man she's divorcing. A man who has caused her nothing but pain since the inception of this show. Jason Crouse was nowhere to be found at the end of the episode and you can't really blame him. Run Jason, you can do better.    

In closing, I'm okay with the idea that Alicia turns into the thing she hates. I think I would have enjoyed watching that show. But this is NOT that show and this finalé felt entirely out of place. Maybe if she'd gone to work for Louis Canning (a constant highlight in the show) and really sold her soul in an earlier season, this ending may have been more palatable, maybe.
And so to the slap. I know people were upset by the fact that the show ended on Diane slapping Alicia in the face. Honestly I was too baffled by the character developments to care. Alicia regains her poise and walks off into the corridor and we're right back where we started in the very first episode. Whatever about the viewers, the fucking show deserved better. Finalé score 3/10.

Penny Dreadful: Apparently the writers decided some time ago that Penny Dreadful would end in its third season. I found season 2 to be the strongest season. Perfectly paced, great acting and it looked absolutely gorgeous. But then this show has always looked gorgeous and while it changed flavour from time to time it never lost its tone. So while Ethan is gallivanting around the deserts of America trying to decide what he should do with his inner demon and indeed with his father, the flavour of the show is very different but the tone was always recognisable.

There were endings for all over this episode but I'll mainly focus on Vanessa for the purposes of the comparison with Alicia.

The finalé found our heroes going up against Dracula. Having already dealt with Lucifer in the previous season, Dracula was the big bad in this one. This may seem like they've done things backwards but the show had established Lucifer as a spent force and Dracula as a far greater threat. Vanessa, as ever, runs straight at the danger... and succumbs to it. She surrenders to the charms of the dark prince and with these two now in league, the world is plunged into the darkness of an insidious, poisonous fog. Hurrah! Our heroes return to rescue Vanessa and save the world... at least, that is the plan. Dracula sends his minions to deal with them but Ethan and co are old hands at this demon slaying. They also have a new recruit, Cat, who is basically Buffy, but hotter. Dracula is worried. There's a wonderful moment where Vanessa places her hand on Dracula's shoulder asking him what is troubling him (see pic above). He reaches out to hold onto her hand. Before they touch, Vanessa pulls away from him. She is powerful beyond Dracula, beyond all evil and she knows it. The question is, will she end it all or sacrifice herself to save the world, we already know the answer. We know the answer because the writers stay true to the show and the character. But we watch anyway, spellbound by these characters and this insanely beautiful looking show.

It all ends with Ethan and Vanessa holding each other. Ethan kills her and almost immediately the darkness that engulfed the world lifts. She dies in his arms as we always knew she would. "Oh Ethan, I see our Lord"... She finally has peace. Ethan had wanted to do it the old fashioned way. Fight to the last breath and see if it's enough. It wouldn't have been. Vanessa has saved her friends and the world. The funeral is a very sad affair. They miss her, we miss her and television is a little poorer for the loss of this show. Finalé score: 8/10.

Penny Dreadful is not a perfect finalé. It feels ever so slightly rushed but it stays true to its main character. There's no WTF moments shoehorned in here, there's just confident writing and rock solid acting from an attractive and talented cast. By comparison, The Good Wife is nothing but WTF moments. I didn't even mention the "ghost" of Will Gardner telling Alicia to go forth and be happy. Not a great plot device as you are left wondering if Alicia is crazy... Perhaps an old letter from him or a simple memory would have been better. Seeing him there was just mental. They did this on Ally McBeal but, to be fair, she fucking was crazy.

Cheers,

G.





The Emperor's New Clothes (Avatar and Forrest Gump Editions)

There are movies that are universally adored with a seemingly endless stream of bouquets constantly being thrown from critics and fans alike. I'll have a different take on some of these...

                                                                      AVATAR
Right out of the gate let me say this: I fucking despise this movie. People have asked me if my hatred stems from my expectations which were, admittedly, sky high. There might be something in that but also, it's just awful. Let's look at the expectations and why I was hoping for a magical cinematic experience beyond anything I'd ever had before.

Avatar is a James Cameron movie so straight away, I was very interested. His back catalogue is hugely impressive. But it was also James Cameron doing Sci Fi again. James Cameron and Sci Fi is like fish n' chips. Just a fucking superb combo. Then the man himself started talking about Avatar. To say he bigged it up is an understatement. He was talking about changing cinema forever (you can argue that he has but it isn't for the better). He was talking about immersing you into a luscious alien world and letting this amazing story unfold around you. Whether or not you think he succeeded depends on how you feel about 3D. I didn't feel like I was immersed into anything but I was still on board as I was promised a powerful, emotional story...

Turns out the shitty 3D is the least of Avatar's problems. Here's the craic: Earth has exhausted all resources so a paraplegic jarhead is sent to the Na'vi (pictured above) planet of Pandora (no really) in his very own "avatar" (he takes the form of a Na'vi but maintains his own mind) to infiltrate and report back to his bosses the easiest way to rob Pandora of its main mineral, Unobtanium (no really). Predictably enough he becomes attached to the Na'vi and falls in love with one of them. He turns his back on his earth life and risks everything to defend the simple nature loving, god tree worshipping Na'vi from the big bad military.

I don't mind simple stories. I don't even mind blatantly ripping off other stories. It happens all the time. The main problem with Avatar is just how fucking annoying everyone in the movie is. The marines are utterly devoid of anything resembling a human characteristic and the Na'vi are so "wise and deep" that I actually ended up rooting for the bad guys. None of this is helped by the casting. Sam Worthington is a useless cunt. More charisma in a bin bag and he cannot act. Zoe Saldana is gorgeous but as a Na'vi I'm afraid her beauty is all but hidden and try as she might with the material, she cannot rescue this shit. The words "I see you" will induce rage. She fares a lot better as a green alien in some other movie you may have seen also featuring a sentient plant... Meanwhile Sigourney Weaver is shamelessly wasted, Michelle Rodriguez does her "I'd be a badass dude" thing and they are directed by a guy who seems much happier playing with his new toys than actually trying to relate to people.

Credit where it's due, the J-Cam can put together an action sequence. They are always perfectly edited and slick as a whistle. You can tell he has worked his ass off here! He pulls out all the stops, builds some new ones and pulls them out too. There is no question that the man put everything he has into this movie. The problem is the story is nowhere near strong enough to survive the technical onslaught and the technical side of the movie just isn't all that much fun. Remember this:

In particular, the way the gun gets caught between the bars. What a superb touch that is. It is smart and subtle. Avatar is neither of those things. In fact it is the exact opposite. For all the outstanding work done by the fx team, the movie is fucking dumb and insists on beating its pro nature message into your skull over and over and over again... We get it. Tree good, war bad.

Another annoyance is the constant jumping. There's so much of it and it's in there purely to show off. It's never sympathetic to the story. Not even the scene where our hero tames a dragon (or something) to prove his worth to the tribe. It's shoehorned in there and because there'd been so much jumping beforehand, it loses all of its potency.

Avatar has long been criticized as looking like a Pixar movie. Initially I felt this was harsh but looking at it again, it's a fair claim (See clip on the right). This isn't a slight against Pixar whose output is mostly excellent but it is another point of interest when deciding if this movie is all Cameron cracked it up to be. For all the technical prowess, there are times where you feel like you're watching a cartoon. Was this the intention? I doubt it.

Let's talk about the score. James Horner was a legend. When people talk about his amazing work Avatar seldom, if ever, comes up. The reason it doesn't is because it's a by the numbers, workmanlike approach and I really feel like the reason he didn't reach the emotional depths of something like Braveheart is because he couldn't relate to the story or any of the cardboard characters...

In closing, I'm a huge fan of James Cameron and he really does work very hard to entertain the audience. And all he has to do is point to the critical acclaim and the box office to shut the likes of me up. He made his movie and at that point it is up to us to decide if it lives or dies. We decided it should live. Boy does it live! 2.7 billion dollars later and Cameron has earned his "told you so" demeanour. Numbers like that exist because people go to see a movie multiple times. This is where I get confused. I get people going to see it once. But putting oneself through that multiple times? Baffling! Utterly baffling. Clearly I'm out of touch with the average movie goer...

So can a movie about a human who becomes an alien and turns on humans to help said aliens possibly be any good? Yeah, yeah it can.

                                                                Forrest Gump

Hate is a strong word, too strong for Gump. So I'll go with strongly dislike. Gump is a very well made movie on a technical level. As you'd expect from a Robert Zemeckis movie, there are some remarkable moments of special fx prowess, mostly involving Forrest being present at some important moment in history. This is where my positivity ends...

So what's the what: Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) suffers from a slight mental disability (if you're offended by my description please ask my bollocks). Sitting at a bus stop he picks up a feather and decides to tell complete strangers the story of his life... poor bastards. Anyway, bullied as a kid, because people are assholes, Forrest finds strength in his relationship with his mother (Sally Field) and his friendship with Jenny Curran (Robin Right) the love of his life. His ability to run (wow) gets him into college on a football scholarship. After college, Gump joins the army and ends up in Viet Nam where he meets Bubba who has the idea that when the war is over they should buy a fishing boat and hunt shrimp. Riveting stuff!

While in Nam, Bubba is killed during a nasty attack. Gump shows real courage here risking his life to save as many as he can... Lieutenant Dan (Gary Sinise) loses his legs in the attack but, thanks to Gump's flight of foot antics, survives the incident. Gump himself is injured and gets shot in the arse. While in recovery he discovers another extraordinary ability, he is superb at ping pong (wow). He flirts with celebrity, gets a medal of honour, plays ping pong and when asked to address an anti war rally in Washington he runs into his long lost friend Jenny (now a hippie) who is clearly happy to see, but just isn't that into, him.

Gump goes home and buys a boat as much for Bubba's memory as himself. He and lieutenant Dan head out to find shrimp. After a hurricane hits, they find that their boat is the only one still in tact. They make a killing, Dan invests the money into Apple and Gump is now rich. However, his mother is dying so he goes home to stay with her while she passes.

Jenny turns up to visit and Forrest proposes! Predictably enough she turns him down. However, she does give him a pity fuck... and then leaves him. Jenny, you see, is a cunt! So Gump gets up and decides to run across the country for a few years and this gains him further celebrity though I have no idea why.

Fast forward and Gump explains why he is sitting at the bus stop. Jenny has asked him to meet her there. She has seen him on television and now that he has garnered enough celebrity he is good enough to.... are you ready.... meet his son! This loathsome cunt has kept his son from him all this time. GEEBAG!!!! Gump in his innocence does the right thing and marries her. But Jenny has AIDS (they're too chickshit to say that in this fucking pox of a movie but it's AIDS) and dies shortly after they get married. Luckily the kid still has Forrest who you'd have to think will be a far better role model for him than Jenny ever was and the movie ends on a predictably cloying note featuring the feather we'd seen at the start of the movie which I guess represents Jenny's spirit or something, I dunno.

Now, you may have noticed an absence of that line... I didn't want to give it any air in this blog but it's impossible to write about this movie without bringing it up. "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get". It's very easy to hate this line (don't worry, I really do hate it) but I kind of admire its power. It has etched its way into popular culture where it will stay forever. Credit to the writers for coming up with it. I liken it to an awful pop song that can never be killed... Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up or James Blunt's You're Beautiful... you get the idea. Awful but not going anywhere... ever... which pretty much sums up how I feel about this debacle.

Half Man's Deepest Fear is a Jaws Remake

Pretty much everyone who knows me, knows that Jaws is my favourite movie. As such, I get asked a lot about a Jaws remake. How would I feel about it? Who would I cast? Would CGI bug me? Oftentimes they ask me this because they think it will set me off and occasionally, it does send me into a (usually wine fuelled) rant. As time goes by though I've accepted that at some point it may happen. Spielberg has said he'll never remake it which is encouraging but Universal own the rights so who knows? I mean the mighty King Kong has been remade a few times now and even if they don't just flat out remake Jaws they'll probably update it Jurassic World style. More and more movies are becoming less and less sacred so it may just be a matter of time. But truth be told, even with this wretched scenario as a backdrop I can talk Jaws all day so... let's.

                                                 How Would I Feel About A Remake?
Irritated but not surprised. I'd be more worried about further damage done to the legacy. The sequels have somewhat soiled the nest so a remake could be catastrophic. Why? Well, there are fundamental problems with a Jaws remake beyond scripts and actors. Two problems a remake would face is knowledge and over exposure. We know so much about sharks now. Shark Week and the BBC are responsible for some magnificent documentaries and every tourist who decides to get in a cage to see these majestic creatures up close and post it online, every time that happens the mystique is lessened. You see 41 years ago when Jaws hit the cinemas, we knew very little about great white sharks. There was one excellent book out called "Blue Meridian: The Search for the Great White Shark" but not everyone had read it. There were famous photos of people who had been attacked and survived, Rodney Fox and his 460 stitches (see below) was probably more known than Blue Meridian. And people just love the idea of a sea monster. The fact that these "monsters" existed was a bonus. Benchley's novel was a hit and the movie was the biggest movie of all time for a while there.

                                           

So let's just say the Jaws remake happens and Quint takes his rifle and shoots the shark as it swims past the boat. Hooper's line is "Quint don't waste your time" right? Well, actually, we now know that sharks (even large ones) are not immune to gun shot wounds and if by some miracle the fish had survived Quint's rifle, Brody's bullets later on would surely have finished it off. There's a line in Jaws 2 "sharks don't take things personally Mr. Brody" and again with all the knowledge we have about sharks now, how do you go about selling this shark coming back time and again to attack the Orca (Quint's boat). We're all shark savvy now, it wouldn't play well with younger audiences especially those of a "Shark Tale" disposition. The reason Jaws got away with it back then was because we just didn't know any better and the reason it gets away with it today is because the movie is so fucking wonderful at getting you fully invested in the characters and the story that you just forget that this just wouldn't happen... Would a remake get you so invested? Unlikely.

                                                                        Special FX
The giant turd Bruce the shark, named after Spielberg's lawyer, just didn't work anything like as well as it was meant to but as we all know by now this worked in the movie's favour. It forced the guys to come up with more inventive ideas to make you believe the shark was there and supported by John Williams pulsating and terrifying score this brought near unbearable levels of nerve shredding suspense. A remake in the current climate would have to include a CGI shark. A few years ago this would have bothered me but having seen the incredible work done by the FX team in charge of the whale in Ron Howard's underrated "In The Heart of the Sea" I'd have to say that a CGI shark would be fine. But then we get into the ease of the creation becoming a problem. Jaws worked in spite of itself. Everything on the shoot was hard. It pushed the crew to limits they never knew they had. I have no doubt that a remake of Jaws would become a shark heavy, attack fest. What we gained in character development in Jaws would, most likely, be lost in a sea of monster moments.

                                                               Who Would I Cast?
Uncastable!!! It's not that there aren't good actors out there who could do the a good job with these characters, it's just the chemistry produced by Scheider, Shaw and Dreyfuss in the second half of the movie is palpable. Shaw famously gave Dreyfuss a torrid time on set. Did this come across on screen? You fuckin' bet your ass it did...

Did that stop Dreyfuss from thinking Shaw was a god? No. Did that come across on screen? You fuckin' bet your ass it did...

By the way if you ever get a chance to watch "The Making of Jaws" take it. It's a completely absorbing documentary and Dreyfuss is a joy to listen to. I'd say he's dined out on Jaws almost every day since it hit cinemas, deservedly so too I'd have to say.

These days actors are a lot more precious. There's just no way this movie would be made in this way today. Could three guys find the same level of connection? Again, unlikely. Still, if it had to happen I'd go Kyle Chandler for Brody. For Hooper I'd go Joseph Gordon Levitt and for Quint I'd go Kurt Russell. 

I can't really see Russell giving JGL any shit on set as he's apparently a complete delight but he does rugged and tough very well. These three guys are all accomplished actors. Russell has starred in some of the very best movies we'll ever see and his range is unquestionable. He's probably more talented than Robert Shaw was but I just can't get past Shaw for Quint. That nails on a chalkboard introduction might be the coolest movie entrance of all time and his Indianapolis speech is the best five minutes of cinema I've ever witnessed. Quint is Shaw, Shaw is Quint. Listen, The Taking Of Pelham 123 (directed by Joseph Sargent who also directed the terrible Jaws: The Revenge) is a fine movie and Shaw is great in it but when I hear the name Robert Shaw, Quint dominates my thoughts. No matter who got this role, they'd be up against it. Russell would ease the pain though.


As for Joseph Gordon Levitt as Hooper. It really is harder to cast Hooper than you'd think. Hooper's main characteristics: he's cleverer than the other two. He's charming and he's funny. But crucially, he's tougher than Brody and Quint believed. "Bring another barrel, I'm coming around again" he screams as they attack the shark. Then there's the immortal line, "you got any better suggestions?" just before he goes down to face the shark in his cage. I don't think for one second that JGL could produce a performance as effective as Dreyfuss but if it's funny, charming with a gritty layer underneath I think he's the best we've got. The Liam Hemsworth's of the world are fucking miles away from being able to pull this off.


Oddly enough, as much as I love Brody and feel Scheider absolutely nailed the role, I'd be confident that Kyle Chandler's "ordinary family man in extraordinary situation" effort from Super 8 proves he could pull this off quite easily. I mean look at him, he may as well be wearing a "you're gonna need a bigger boat" t shirt. He's gruff, tough but loves his family. There really couldn't be  anyone else for Brody.

                                                        

                                                            
                                                            
                                                                   Writer, Director, Editor, DP
Just thinking about this is making my eye twitch with anger but for the purposes of this blog, I'll play. I'm going to try to balance between wishful thinking (which is odd for a project I hope never sees the light of day) and realistic...
Writing this would be a huge burden. Fans of the movie would know enough to not want to do it. But who knows, maybe Drew Goddard would take a pass at it. That'd be my go to guy. He wrote a fine script in Cloverfield which, as you know, is a monster movie with limited monster visuals (just like Jaws). With The Cabin in the Woods he showed he can do horror with a dose of cheeky humour and he can do tense and likable which he absolutely perfected with The Martian. Daredevil was also a dose of genre bending brilliance and showed real dynamism.
Director? My fear would be McG or some fucking upstart like him. McG has never made anything but garbage. Bryan Singer might feel protective enough to rescue a Jaws remake. Jaws is his favourite movie but I suspect he loves it too much and knows better than to take it on. JJ Abrams is just wishful thinking. That man has nothing to prove and would be too smart to go here. So who then? I really liked Godzilla and the fact that they didn't oversell the monster in that one. Gareth Edwards would probably be the best we could hope for. He and Goddard would be a decent team to throw together.
Editor? One of the things casual observers miss about Jaws is just how perfectly edited the picture is. The Academy didn't miss it though and rightly gave Verna Fields an Oscar for her astounding work. A simple example of her genius is the amazing scene where the shark basically eyeballs Brody right after he throws some chum out to sea...

You get maybe two seconds of shark on the original breach of water. It's plenty. Any more and you'd have seen too much and the effect would have been diminished. The simple cut of Brody walking back into the relative sanctuary of the boat to the next cut where we see Quint in the foreground as Brody walks in where he delivers cinemas greatest line... it's a fucking master class of timing and delivery by all concerned. Scheider is wonderful here, Fields (affectionately known on set as Mother Cutter) must have been on cloud nine putting this all together. There's a lot of talent out there that could do a decent job of editing. Michael Kahn would be ideal but I suspect he'd pass. He does work with Spielberg after all. Pietro Scalia would be solid enough.
As for Director of Photography, again I think we're struggling to find anyone to match the genius of Bill Butler. Much of Jaws is shot at water level (which is why I think it would be a stunning 3D IMAX experience) and Butler was basically inventing cameras to continue to shoot this way. He deserves as much credit as anyone for how terrifying the movie is. DP's are tough, my heart says Dean Cundey but my head says Jeff Cronenweth as he is the best in the business right now.
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Obviously Williams would be the dream candidate but I suspect he'd be paid for the use of his theme and someone else would be hired to "update" it. Hans Zimmer, you'd have to think, would have too much love for film to do this. My choice would be Alan Silvestri but again he'd probably be above all this. Thomas Newman would be well able for it too. The thing is, the score has been done by Williams and no matter what brilliance is put into this movie it would be dominated by "that" theme. But then Newman has done a great job with the recent Bond movies. They also have classic themes and Newman's work, while excellent, is never intrusive.

So there it is. There's the blue print for some great white death. Some excellent names it must be said and if these people all came together to make an original creature feature, then I'd be first in line to buy a ticket. As previously stated, I believe this is only a matter of time. Jaws is a property that can make money. If a movie is made to target teenagers who have never seen Jaws, then there's huge potential for a big opening weekend and as much as I hate to say it, it may even entertain its audience. The rest of us would probably feel a little repulsed though. Look at the list of remakes from that era that have been awful... There's just no way a remake could reel us in (ahem) the way the original did. "But Graham, isn't there a chance it could be as good as the original?" No, not even a little chance.

Farewell and adieu,

G.