Endgame of Thrones

Endgame of Thrones

Right, I think enough time has passed for me to start laying truth bombs without ruining it for
everyone. That said:

  

   
First up: Avengers Endgame. Let’s be clear. I loved Infinity War. Like, I LOVED it! It could have beenan absolute fucking mess but it was damn near perfect. And that ending! Whoa! I mean, what the
fuck can the Avengers do now? They lost. Half the universe is gone. I mean, they could probably still
do something but half the fucking universe is gone regardless. No comebacks from that I’m afraid.
And if you think that a franchise of over 20 movies, most of which have been wildly entertaining will
do something as awful as use time travel…. Well you’d be 100% correct.

It is without a doubt the worst and laziest plot device known to man. Whenever it turns up in a movie, you’re better off fast forwarding to the end to watch all the horrible stuff that happened in the movie get magicallyerased. Because that’s what always happens. Save yourself the time. Skip to the end and watch howa fucking DO OVER (in a movie where they say no do overs a lot) saves half the universe. It rendersInfinity War entirely pointless. Gutted.

But you like Back to the Future I hear you say. And you’re right, I do. But that movie is all about timetravel. It’s not just shoehorned in there.

I have other gripes. The Infinity Gauntlet was made by Giant Peter Dinklage and he is the only one
who could have forged a gauntlet powerful enough to case all the infinity stones. Right? Wrong! Iron
Man can make one. Guess he just had some spare parts floating around. Good for him… Oh and with
a little help from Ant-Man he works out time travel in an evening… impressive.

It’s not all bad. Hipster Hulk is inspired. Fat Thor is an absolute treat and having him shack up with
the Guardians of the Galaxy could be great… The action sequences are very well done. The
trademark snarky humour remains intact. Captain America facing down Thanos and his massive
army by himself is a bit of a moment… But this isn’t the Thanos that snapped his fingers, this is a
“previous” Thanos. I guess. While I’m on Cap, Steve Rogers goes and uses time travel to go back and
have a life with Agent Carter… it is a lovely moment but doesn’t that undo his original sacrifice? Or
maybe it doesn’t, it’s such a confusing and shitty development that my rage overpowers and sense
of empathy or goodwill.

You know what I would have preferred? Here’s your ending. Have one movie. One! Basically all of
Infinity War but have Iron Man (or Vision just to give him something to do) go on a quest and make
another Infinity Gauntlet. Tack Endgame’s ending on the end there, “I’m inevitable”, “I’m Iron Man”.
He saves the day, Thor goes for the head. Boom! There’s your fucking movie! No time travel, about
three hours saved and enough sacrifices made to keep people talking. But if that had happened
Disney would be down about €2.8bn. So, ya know…. Time travel.

And onto the other crippling disappointment of the year: Game of Thrones. Maybe we should have
seen it coming. Gendry’s ability to run and a Dragon’s ability to fly faster than Superman on steroids
hinted at problems toward the end of season 7… But they were taking their time with this season.
We were going to have to wait until they were good and fucking ready! Good, take your time. Don’t
fuck it up! The drip feed started when we were told there’d be feature length episodes.. but then we
heard there would only be 6 episodes. Spidey senses were tingling at this point. There’s still so much
to cover, six episodes seems a little sparse. But I think we swatted the tingles away, it’s GOT. It’s
never been anything but riveting… And just having it back was enough to get pulses racing.

It allstarted reasonably well. Starks met up. Hurrah. Groundwork was laid and on we went to episode
two. I enjoyed this one immensely. More groundwork was laid but there was some really nice
moments as people open up a little, because they all think they’re going to die. Thrones secret
weapon, humour, is also used rather well.

Onto episode three where the cracks begin to show.Oh were ready for a battle! And we got one. We just couldn’t see it. The next day, we were told ourtelevisions were not adjusted correctly. 50 years ago we were told “do not adjust your television set” by a television show of the same name. In the age of the 50” plasma with 4K and HD we’re told to adjust it so we can see what’s happening! I’m sorry but fuck you! This was badly made, end of. Below may or may not be an actual shot of season 8 episode 3...

Now there were decent moments in there and some of the distant visuals looked great but the up
close stuff was wretched. The Night King had one job. Get to Bran Stark. Not really sure why, but
rather than wait until everyone is dead, he rushes into battle and exposes himself. Arya Stark flies
out of nowhere and promptly kills the idiot. Loved it was Arya who killed him, hate how it was done.
I still don’t understand it. Oh, and everyone’s favourite hottie (or mine at least) Melisandre had been
telling everyone that she wouldn’t survive the night. She does, so out of embarrassment I guess she
goes and kills herself. I guess we’ll find out more about the Lord of Light from someone else, except
we won’t. There’s no mention of him in latter episodes. Oh well. Can’t really be angry at this show, I
mean one mediocre episode does not a bad show make… hold my starbucks cup…

Look GOT team, if you’re not going to take this shit seriously then why the fuck should we? Aside
from the coffee mishap there were other glaring errors. Tormund waxing lyrical about Jon Snow
riding a dragon is a doozie. “What kind of a person climbs on a fucking dragon?” Well apparently you do Tormund or have you already forgotten???

Moving on. The main fuck up this season was how they gave us too much story in too few episodes.
And when you rush, you make mistakes. Like leaving starbucks cups or plastic water bottles in shots.
The show runners just wanted this shit to end, or that’s’ how it comes across anyway. Dani sees her
mate decapitated and decides that everyone in the Red keep should be burned to death. Tyrion, had
asked her to call off her inevitable victory if the surrender bell was rung but she just goes full agent
orange and doesn’t stop. You’re either the kind of person who thinks GOT has been building to this
moment and this was unrushed and fully earned or you’re the kind of person who thinks this needed
a lot more fleshing out and is completely unearned. I’m the latter. The episode in question looks
terrific but that’s all I can give it.

It’s odd, I’ve been talking Got for a while now and I’ve only just mentioned Tyrion. His trademark useof  language is horribly underused. He’s reduced to an also ran for a lot of this season and while he gets the best lines in the final episode, well, by then it just doesn’t matter. Jon Snow kills Dani. Her dragon sets fire to the iron throne and fucks off. Someone really should hunt that thing… just in
case! Bran is made king and everyone sort of just goes home. It’s really funny watching the Dothraki
heading off without a care in the world. YOUR QUEEN WAS JUST STABBED TO DEATH LADS! These guys would usually butcher continents over a game of tiddlywinks… Bran becomes King which is pretty funny. I guess he’s no longer the three eyed raven or whatever the fuck that was? Cercei dies with Jamie in an utterly pointless way. A room collapses on them. If they’d just climbed into the mouth of the giant dragon skull nearby they’d have been fine. Only The Hound gets and ending worthy of note. His fight with the Mountain is very satisfying. They both go out in a blaze of glory though again, The Mountain killing his creator in a split second, while funny, felt…yep… rushed!

 
And that is that. I’ll buy the box set and watch them all back to back at some point but it will be awful watching the latter part of season 7 and most of season 8 drag this incredible show down a few
pegs. Subsequent rumours of HBO offering the show runners more episodes to do it right does not
show the writers in the best light. I guess the pull of a galaxy Far Far Away is to attractive. Problem
is, while these guys had GRR Martin’s books as source material, they made great television. As soon
as the books dried up, it went south. Who will they look to for help with Star Wars? George fucking
Lucas? Oh Christ.

Cheers,

G.

Why I Love Movies (Friday the 13th Part VI - Jason Lives Edition)

Back in 1980 Warner Bros released Friday the 13th on a tiny budget and made a fucking killing. Two years previously, Halloween had taken everyone by surprise for two reasons. A. It was excellent and B. It was an enormous success For its $300,000 investment it pulled in $55,000,000 in the US alone. WB wanted some of that easy money and with a budget of $550,000 it made nearly $40,000,000. Not quite Halloween money but still huge.

Despite this enormous success Warner Bros were sort of ashamed of the movie and sold the rights to Paramount. Why were they ashamed? Well the acting isn't good (it did launch Kevin Bacon's career though) and the excessive gore put the studio off. Paramount had no such scruples and put out yearly sequels that all did huge business. Jason Voorhees and that hockey mask had built up a huge fan base but when they killed him in the hilariously titled "The Final Chapter" and put out Part V which didn't feature Jason (outside of flashbacks) there was a backlash.


It was decided that Jason would return for part VI. And Tom McLoughlin was installed as director. His proclivities leaned toward early Universal pictures and so he decided to bring Jason back with a play on the old "it's alive" routine (see video). McLoughlin also knew that a fifth sequel was more than just a bit ridiculous, so he imbued his movie with some enjoyable banter, one liners as well as nods and winks to horror. The marker is laid down pretty early on in the movie where, once resurrected, Jason gets his very own James Bondesque intro (again see video). It's clear, the emphasis is on fun here.

For what it's worth, here's the plot: Tommy Javis survived an attack by Jason in The Final Chapter. He's been in an institution ever since and haunted by his memories. As seen in the video, his attempts to extinguish those nightmares backfire spectacularly and it isn't long before Jason Voorhees is heading back to his old stomping ground to take up his old habits.

If you missed the sense of humour in the resurrection scene, you really can't miss it when Tommy charges into the local Sheriff's office and begs for help. The Sheriff's reaction, "you in showbusiness kid, you sure no how to make an entrance." I mean, that's just straight up ripping the piss and it's brilliant. It's also evident at this point that McLoughlin has managed to cobble together a decent cast. Sheriff Garris (named after horror legend Mick Garris) is played by David Kagen who had been a decent television actor and worked for decades after in some big television staples. He also runs an acting school, the guy can deliver a line! In another fantastic piece of casting, his main deputy is played by Vincent Guastaferro who had also been a solid television actor up to that point before going on to huge shows like The West Wing among many others. This cast had game.

After Tommy is thrown into jail for the night, we are introduced to a couple who you just know are going to die but again, it is to the movies credit that it is done in a pretty funny way. There's a fair bit to unpack here so stay with me: The couple who are clearly lost are driving a VW Beetle. The passanger, Darren, played by Tony Goldwyn (more on him in a sec) is staring at a map. The driver, Lizbeth, played by Tom McLoughlin's wife suddenly hits the breaks. "Darren we'd better turn around" "Why", asks Darren. "Because I've seen enough horror movies to know any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly". The camera jumps to Jason standing in front of the car with the iron pole that helped resurrect him in hand. It always gets a laugh because her delivery is excellent. This is a movie that constantly winks at the audience. Darren takes a gun out of the glove box and gets out to face our anti hero. There's more fun dialogue from Lizbeth before Jason stabs him in the nuts and launches him through the air. Lizbeth tries to run away but falls into a puddle. She takes out a wallet and offers Jason cash. He stabs her in the face but as she dies her clenched hand unclenches and an American Express card floats in the puddle prompting you to shout "don't leave home without it". It happnes without fail, every single time. Seriously, try it. Watch this movie with more than 3 people, someone will shout that... So back to Goldwyn, he had never acted before but would go on to The Last Samurai with Tom Cruise as well as a whole host of movies and television shows that would make most actors extremely envious. It's just another example of how clever they were casting this movie.
 
Another decent cast member is Jennifer Cooke who plays the Sheriff's daughter Megan who strikes up a friendship with Tommy Jarvis. She had been in V (the tv show about invading aliens) which was a huge success but, to my knowledge, didn't do anything after this movie. Pity because she was good. Her friend Cort is played by Tom Fridley who I'm pretty sure is John Travolta's nephew. Anyway Cort gets himself an RV and meets up with Nikki for a late night shag in the woods. Nikki is played by Darcy DeMoss and in 1986 she was a slamming hottie. Turns out Darcy had made a some softcore movies but surprisingly for a Friday the 13th movie, pretty much kept herself covered up for the sex scene with Cort. It may have disappointed some but it did show that, despite everything, they were trying to make a decent movie here.

It all moves at a fair old pace with Jason in fine form, even showing some comic timing of his own. He could have popped out of the bushes at any time but he waits for the best possible moment...

The movie is littered with moments like this. One cop takes an arrow to the eye, the movie immediately cuts to a dart boad on the back of a door. Another scene has a drunk singing to his bottle of booze, right before his last sip he says to it, "darlin' you're gonna be the death of me, oh but what a way to go". The bottle ends up in his throat... It goes on and on.

Friday the 13th Part VI - Jason Lives is the only Friday that actually has kids on the camp grounds while Jason is doing his thing. Kids are a risk in any movie. They can kill the whole fucking thing Phantom Menace style but these kids are pretty good. While hiding in a cabin under beds and listening to the screaming going on outside, one kid says to another "so, what were you gonna be when you grew up?" Legend!

Another thing this Friday has that others don't is a pretty decent car chase. Megan has broken Tommy out of prison and when driving eratically her muscle car is spotted by a deputy. He calls the Sheriff who is at a road block. Garris asks for a description of the car, he gets it... "that's my daughters car". Awkwardly the deputy asks, "how do you wish us to proceed sir?" "With extreme care asshole. If that kid is with her there's every chance he'll do something crazy". Cut to Tommy saying to Megan, "please don't do anything crazy".You know what, just watch it, it's great fun:

As mentioned before, Jason Lives treats horror fans to some nods to legends of the genre. There's a mention of a station in "Carpenter". There's "Karloff's" General Store and of course Sheriff "Garris". "Cunningham" Road. Another movie did similar in the mid 90's and became a phenomenon. I am talking about Scream. Friday the 13th Part VI - Jason Lives laid a blue print for that movie but instead of whiney teenagers dressed as a ghost we have Jason fucking Voorhees. And while Friday gently pays homage to the genre, Scream goes full meta and, eventually, up its own arse.

One other ace up this movies sleeve is a fucking kickass soundtrack provided by none other than Alice Cooper! The standout tracks are Teenage Frankenstein used brilliantly in the RV scene with Cort and Nikki. Hard Rock Summer, used brilliantly in the car chase scene and He's Back, The Man Behind The Mask which is an exquisite piece of cheese that gets into your head and doesn't leave. Kudos to all involved...

When the movie came out it divided critics which for a Friday movie is serious fucking progress indeed. Predicatably enough some critics just dismissed it as more of the same. It wasn't and I wonder if some of them even bothered to watch it. One review in the Irish Independent gave me a chuckle. It read something like this: "Jason Voorhees comes back from the dead and runs around Crystal Lake searching for whomever is responsible for this trash". Some really appreciated the efforts made by the film makers though and praised its sense of fun. It is still the best received Friday and given that there have been six Jason movies since (two with pretty big budgets) that's a pretty decent achievement.

Friday VI is not a great movie but it is a great Friday movie. The balance between horror and comedy is well done. Jason is viscious but there's a lot of dark humour to be enjoyed too.... If you're that way inclined...

I'll leave you with this wonderful dollop of cheese:

Cheers,

G.

PS4play!

Been ages so let's just get into it...

Wolfenstein: The Old Blood was picked up on The PS4 store for under a tenner. It is a prequel to the excellent Wolfenstein: The New Order and it packs a serious punch. As you can see from the pic above our Nazi horde are not staying dead and need to be dealt with undead style. My taste for killing Nazi scum has not diminished, indeed, given how things are in the world today it has actually intensified. The Old Blood gives chance after chance to do this and it's a blast!

As you might expect, fom a FPS the action comes thick and fast with all manner of weapons at your disposal. The Old Blood doesn't have the same sense of scale as The New Order but it is a blast. And while the end of game boss is fucking stupid, it leads quite nicely into the start of The New Order... Looks good, plays as it should but nothing took me by surprise: 7.5/10 Trophy Count: 34%

Look at the image above. It looks amazing, doesn't it. Looks however, can be very deceiving. Many fans of Tolkien hate the liberties taken by the "Shadow" games. One such liberty, Shelob is actually a woman who takes the form of a spider. She also hates Sauron. Of course this is stupid as we know Sauron looked on Shelob as a bothersome pet but given how feared she was he was happy enough to let her patrol Minas Morgul but it didn't really bother me as nothing in this game is canon... In Middle Earth: Shadow of War you, once again play as Talion. Together with Celebrimbor (your internal ghost elf who still won't let you die) and at the behest of a surprisingly affable Shelob you must take back the lands of Middle Earth from the dark hordes and defeat evil once and for all... It goes like this: Take over a load of weak minded orcs, attack a fortress with your army, capture it, uncover more of the story. Like its predecssor Shadow of Mordor, the grudge feature remains and it is both infuriating and genius because orc captains long disposed of will come back from the dead looking for revenge and their timing will drive you mad. You may be in the middle of a tough battle mid level and here they come all levelled up to throw a spanner in the works...

So we fight our way through Mordor and there is enjoyment to be had in doing so. Placing your captains in power is satisfying and you will get to know some of your orcs. As the game goes on it does get a bit samey and it's around this time that you reach a point where you fight Sauron (and others) and it feels like the game is over. HOWEVER, and this is a game ruining however, after your battle with Sauron the game inexplicably makes you take over every fortress in the game again. It. Takes. Forever. It's also harder this time round and all it did was make a game that was starting to feel too long anyway even longer. Honestly, it fucking killed it for me. When I started this game I was mildly entertained by it, then I started to enjoy it, then I wanted it to end and if it had ended at the logical closing point I'd have given it a 7/10 but they dragged it out and I still can't figure out why. As I said, a game ruining fuck up by the developers and if there is to be moredor (ahem) I'll be avoiding... 3/10 Trophy Count: 77%

After the crushing disappointment that was Shadow of Mordor, my good friend Oisin gave me a lend of Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age. I gave him Doom, we both did well out of the exchange... I had played this game on the PS2 but I was eager to have another go because back in the day it took a bit of stick for having flat characters but got a lot of praise for its battle system. I also wanted to compare it to more recent Final Fantasy efforts. As you might expect, FF XII fares very well in that regard.

So what's the what? Well story wise, FFXII while being quite dense has a more European vibe to it so it's far less bonkers than you'd expect from a FF game. Pricess Ashe of Dalmasca has apparently suicided after hearing her husband, Prince Rasler of Nabradia has died in the battle against the Archadian Empire. Said Empire have taken over Dalmasca and it is up to a few rebels to save the world... So Star Wars... Ashe, of course, hasn't killed herself and through several enjoyable plot developments she links up with Vaan, who lives on the streets of Rabanastre (Dalamsca's capital city) and his friend Penelo. Along with Han Solo wanna be and almost is Baltier, his side kick Fran and Basch who is on a quest to redeem himself after losing the war.

But it is in the battle system where this majestic game truly shines... Preparation is key because your gang, on getting in range of enemies do not wait (unless you specifically set it up that they do beforehand... like I said, prep) and will attack at pace immediately. As with previous FF games you have your warriors, your thieves, your mages, your healers and variations on all of those. You will assign one of these skills to each player and as you progress through the game your skills open up on a skills board where your precious battle points will be spent "buying" new abilities and opening up all sorts of limit breaks and spells etc. It's a fine system that encourages you to fight. And fight you will... often because the battle system is a holy fucking delight! Tweaking your characters different challenges is enjoyable. At times it almost feels like a football management simulator. Bear with me. In a footy sim, you spend time with your team. You may even set up easy games for them to see what they can do. Once you see each player's strengths you utilise that for the betterment of the team. Final Fantasy XII is exactly the same. Set your team up and send them out into the world in front of you. A few easy battles to get you into a rhythm and build up battle points to unlock more abilities... when bosses come along your team will need to be tweaked. Similar to a footy sim if you're playing Dundalk FC you might feel well equipped to beat them but if Juventus FC are in town you'll need to tweak it. Watching your characters do as you set up is immensely enjoyable. The story is engaging and curiously, the "bland characters" some critics moaned about back in the PS2 days feel positively Shakespearean compared to the damp squibs and frankly eye twitchingly annoying (remember Vanille from FFXIII) weirdos we've endured in later fantasies.

I can't speak highly enough of Final Fantasy XII. It's a challenge but you can decide to finish it quickly enough. Or, like me, you can decide to explore and track down every single Esper, side quest and secret of which there are shedloads. I eventually gave up looking for secrets after I dunno, MONTHS of gameplay. It looks incredible, it plays perfectly, the voice overs are top drawer and the story is not as bonkers as you'd expect. Minor quibble? If you want to fully explore you will have to grind, but hey, it's an RPG. BUY. THIS. NOW: 9/10. Trophy Count: 60%


I picked up The Evil Within for a steal at a tenner on the ps store. I wanted something short and horror filled. I got a bit more than I bargained for. The Evil Within was directed by Shinji Mikami who is responsible for Resident Evil and that really was enough to peak my interest. While this is certainly a survival horror type of game it actually felt a lot closer to Silent Hill than Resident Evil.

Story wise it's absolutely bonkers. Seriously Japan, what the fuck is in your water? Here goes: You play a detective investigating a murder scene at a hospital with two colleagues. About a nanosecond into your investigation you are thrown into a nightmarish alternate reality where you are stalked by a nut wielding a chainsaw. Once you escape the hospital you and your colleagues try to escape the city which is literally falling to pieces all around you. It's very dramatic. Of course you are separated from your friends and you are left to try and navigate the city by yourself. It leads you to a nightmarish world in forests, small towns, hospitals (all the classics from the survival horror back catalogue) and you are pursued by creatures and possessed people who stop at nothing to disembowel you. It is unsettling. They all seem to be doing this at the behest of a starnge hooded character who clearly has a gripe with the world... The plot gets more and more bonkers, the more you play. I didn't care for it to be honest. I did care for the gameplay.

The Evil Within starts out quite difficult. I found the early chapters really tough but as I got used to the gameplay I navigated latter chapters quite well and disposed of bosses with ruthless efficiancy. The bosses are quite enjoyable battles and indeed, disposing of the creatures in different ways is always a delight. It's gory, it's scary and it's fun.

Another absolutely bizarre addition to this game is the upgrade scheme. At various points you will hear Clair De Lune, yes the piano piece by Claude Debussy which signals an upgrade room is nearby. This being the fucked up game it is though, it's not a standard go into room, get upgrade and leave. It goes like this. You hear the music, you find the room, you go into a mirror within the room and there you meet a creepy nurse who leads you to a chair and the upgrade takes place in a pretty violent way... as you progress through the game the upgrade room falls into disrepair and there are plot clues to be found within also. It's a really strange way to do things but that's this game summed up. It's fuckin' insane... and that's the point. I'm sure someone out there cane explain the plot to me but I don't care. I'm sure it's very clever...

Where this game lives is in the destruction of hideous creatures and creepy visuals. It excels at both. I recommend this game at a sale price. I haven't had any urge to download the dlc or play the sequel but that might change down the road. Score 7/10. Trophy count: 24%

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain: And there I was thinking I simply couldn't get any weirder than The Evil Within, MGS V takes weird to entirely new levels. I wanna preface this by saying I've enjoyed most of the MGS games. The PSone classic still makes most games seem lazy by comparison, part 2 on PS2 was also great (despite its bizarre last act) part 3 also on PS2 was a cast iron classic with one of the mos beautiful endings I've ever seen in a game. MGS4 on PS3 however was a fucking chore. Too many cut scenes that were far too fucking long and a plot that is just too mad for me to fully get my head around. I stopped caring pretty quickly playing that game and simply couldn't wait for it to be over. Such was my dislike of MGS 4 that I had no interest in anything MGS related so when a new MGS game came out on PS4 I zoned out. I did hear that it was a really expensive demo that would act as a lead in to the new MGS 5 but that irritated me even more. MGS V: The Phantom Pain came out several years ago. It was expensive but it was also well received by critics. I still wasn't sold until last October when I picked it up for €8 on the PS store. I mean, €8 is fuck all so I thought why not.

You start the game in a coma because of the happenings in the "lead in game" and with the help of a guy who sounds just like Snake (voiced by Kiefer Sutherland) with his face wrapped in bandages you begin your escape when the hospital is attacked by a bunch of badass soldiers who want you dead... big time. One is a very attractive lady who your snake sounding buddy sets on fire. Anyway, you're both attacked by a bloke who is a walking inferno (see pic above) and while you're dealing with that, every staff member in the hospital is murdered. It's pretty graphic stuff.

Once you make your final escape you are met by Ocelot who is dead set on helping and protecting you. This is right at the start of the game and it's where my confusion began. I remember thinking to myself, "didn't I FIGHT this guy in an earlier game?" So it turns out it is the early 80's and you are in Afghanistan fighting the Russians. Charlie Wilson's War anyone? Anyway, at that point I thought, wait, is this a prequel to the events in Metal Gear Solid on PSone? I'm still not sure. Anyway, Ocelot tools you up and it's off you go.

The game plays like this: You start out at Mother Base in the middle of the ocean. You call for a helicopter and check your "idroid" for missions. When you decide to take one you you grab your weapons etc and a "buddy" a dog (great dor sniffing out enemies) or a horse (great for getting around) and there is the option of taking another buddy depending on how you end a particular mission. I'd say be merciful and you'll benefit. You'll know it when the time comes. The game itself is actually really fucking good. Snake has shrapnel in his head after the events of the "demo game" and he also has a prostetic arm. This only adds to his badassery. He infiltrates, he silently kills or he goes in all guns blazing. The choice is yours and I never felt like I was being judged for doing things "my way". There is also the option of knocking out enemies and sending them back to mother base via fulton balloon. This is fucking hilarious but also kind of important for building up your army and base. You steal materials and diamonds, also crucial for base building and after a while I started to think I was maybe building the very army I'd be fighting against later in my life (in earlier MGS games) I was really fucking enjoying the game and on Christmas Eve a good couple of months after starting, I got to what I thought was a the final battle against a giant Metal Gear. After literally hours of trying I beat the fucker. As you'd expect there was an epic cut scene but it wasn't the end. And not only that it pulled a Shadow of War on me by making me replay earleir levels on harder modes in order to unlock the end of the game. This is fucking absolute bollocks and I developers must stop doing this. If I want to play a game in hard, I will put it on hard in the settings. I always play games on medium as I'm just not that good a gamer and I like to be able to have a fair chance of beating the games I play.

Despite that absolutely horrendous flaw I'd still recommend MGS V. When you're in the thick of the missions it flirts with genius. It looks truly incredible and despite me not understanding a lick of the plot or indeed the ending I still enjoyed the journey... If it didn't force you to replay already incredibly hard levels on harder modes it'd be a near perfect game. Such as it is though it's a rock solid 8/10. Trophy count: 49%

Until next time... enjoy your games and always wait for a price drop!!!

Cheers,

G.

Seven Games Played. Seven Games Enjoyed.

Been ages since I spoke about video games and I've played some beauts, so here goes...

                                                       Rise of the Tomb Raider
The previous game in the series had come in for some stick when, in a trailer, people were worried Lara might be on the end of a sexual assault. This, of course, turned out to be absolute bollocks. Nothing of the sort took place and Lara spent most of her time kicking ass! It was gritty effort by TR standards though and that template continues here.

This latest effort is a slight improvement over the previous game. It's more sure footed and our heroine, as the title suggests, finds out more about her past while raiding tombs and murdering the scum of the earth. It's never too taxing (this is not a complaint) but if you're the kind of person who absolutely must collect every single item and complete every combat challenge then you will be tested. I had planned on getting 100% trophies but the game wore me down. I enjoyed the story, the side quests, the levelling up and I think I enjoyed it a little bit more than Uncharted 4 which is high fucking priase indeed. But I just couldn't be arsed getting all of the combat challenges. But that's just me. Plenty of people love this stuff.

One of the side quests involves hunting a witch, which was absolutely riveting and it is in the side quests that the game shines. The main plot is the usual nonsense. It's a race between Lara and a bunch of over funded assholes called "the Trinity" to find a maguffin of immortality but you pretty much know that going in. It looks great and there's a comforting familiarity to proceedings. I just wish they'd taken a little bit of a risk with some facets of the game. Alas, it's all perfectly safe. But then, if it ain't broke... and Tomb Raider certainly ain't broke. Trophy count: 70% Score: 8.5/10.

                                                        Valkyria Chronicles

By the time I'd finished Tomb Raider, this remastered piece of PS3 brilliance had dropped in price on the PS4 and I jumped on it. It is a turn based, role playing game with an emphasis on strategy. Now, that would usually be enough to make me avoid this game but the reviews were too strong and the graphics too gorgeous to ignore. I remember picking it up on PS3 because I wanted to try something a bit different and having loved it on that console, I felt like playing it again on PS4.

The first thing that strikes you about Valkyria Chronicles is just how beautiful the whole thing looks. The in game beauty is matched by the appeal of the main characters. They're all lovable. The music is also great adding to the excellent production value of this memorable game.

So what is the story? You're in an alternate earth fighting and alternate WW2. Simple. The main difference though is there is magic afoot in this world and it plays a big part in the latter part of this magnificent game. As mentioned before you get to know and care for your crew. This is crucial to the story and the game even deals with racism on the way to its conclusion. It doesn't get too bogged down in this but it is to the game's credit that it's in there at all...

For the most part, gameplay consists of you picking your team to get the mission done. Pick wisely, snipers (if needed) at the back. Tank at the front.... you get the drift. Your movement is turn based in a capture the flag type of scenario and it can be excruciating standing there hoping the enemy misses you from close range. After each mission you are given a score for your efficiency and you use the spoils of war to improve your equipment. The better the score, the more spoils at your disposal. It is satisfying and not a chore like some strategy games.

Valkyria Chronicles is a terrific game. It looks great. It gets harder as you go along but if you've been upgrading and completing training missions you will enjoy the challenge. As for trophies: You won't get near 100% on your first playthrough. But it is a game you'll probably go back to. I know I will.
Trophy count: 17% Score: 9/10.

                                                        The Last Guardian
Originally planned as a PS3 game, the Last Guardian entered its 10th year in production before finally being released last year. Was it worth the wait? Yes, but that is a qualified yes. From the team that brought you Ico and Shadow the Colossus, The Last Guardian tries to use elements of both to bring you a unique gaming experience. So what's the what? A boy wakes up in a seemingly abandoned castle. Beside him is a huge creature which looks like a cross between a cat, a rat and a bat lays trapped and wounded by spears beside him. 

Named Trico, the creature wakes up and is immediately hostile. However the boy (you) removes the spears from Trico's body and from there the creature warms to you. A bond quickly grows between the two. This is the most important part of the game and it is handled beautifully. Trico sort of does his own thing but does follow instructions as you get to know him.

There is a combat element to the game and when your enemies attack Trico with spears it is upsetting. Trico handles these assholes with minimum fuss but they do injure him and it is up to you to remove spears and clean the wounds. This again builds the bond between boy and beast.

I don't want to get too into the plot, to do so will ruin the whole experience, but as with Ico and Shadow of the Colossus, it is an emotional journey with a twist or two before the end.

Problems? Well, yes. Sort of. As mentioned before, Trico does tend to sniff walls and explore the surroundings which is all well and good but when you've worked out a route or puzzle and you want to get it done Trico doesn't always co-operate right away. This adds a bit of realism to the proceedings but it can be a bit frustrating too. The other issue isn't with the game but with the previous games this developer has made. They are two of the very best games ever and The Last Guardian, while thoroughly engaging and absolutely beautiful, doesn't quite meet that standard. It does come close but you will be reminded of those two superior games...

Trophy wise, you won't get near maximum of your first play through. Will I go back again? Probably not.
Trophy Count: 16% Score: 7.5/10

                                                          GTA San Andreas
Picked this up for €6 or something on the PS Store. I had such great memories of playing this on PS2 and I wanted to relive those days. Did it deliver? Yes. GTA's best not-so-secret weapon is the music. As you drive around the city and the music kicks in, nostalgia does its thing and boom, it's 2004 again! And bear in mind, the music is already retro so you end up with nostalgia on top of nostalgia.

GTA turned 3D on the PS2 and everything changed. Sandbox games took over and GTA were the best of the lot. San Andreas was the third 3D GTA game and after the brilliance of GTA: Vice City it needed to be bigger, crazier and more violent. It managed all these things but whether its a better game than its predecessor is a subject of much debate.

So how does it hold up on PS4? Pretty fucking well actually. Graphical limitations aren't really an issue when playing as the game is so enjoyable. GTA has always been a little bit awkward to control but you do get used to it and blowing shit up becomes second nature after a little patience.

Plot wise, you play a guy called CJ and you've just come back from the east coast to find your 'hood is in shit. Its been taken over by rival gangs, drugs are everywhere and crooked cops own both you and your family. Samuel L Jackson voices the worst of these cops and he does a superb job. Later in the game you end up running errands for "an organisation". The guy you work for is voiced by James woods and he's fucking hilarious! Peter Fonda also turns up playing a hippy who grows weed and hates the government. Also hilarious.

Missions vary brilliantly. There are plenty of standard "go in here and kill everyone" missions as well as drive bys and the usual GTA blow shit up fare. But where the game truly excels is in the more bonkers levels. Jet packs feature. YES! There's a level where you have to burn a weed field and another one where you've to speed onto a plane via motorcycle (see pic), plant a bomb, grab a parachute, dive off it and push a detonation button out of range. It's incredible!

You will start in the city, go to the countryside and "Vegas" features largely too. There's an Area 51 setting which has a huge army presence. So if you're looking for a quick 5 star chase that's the place to go. As you gain money and power you soon turn your attention to saving your 'hood. Brilliantly, the "LA" riots are worked into the plot and GTA ends triumphantly as a reminder of how fucked up things are in the world as well as being a fantastically violent video game. 

Shortcomings? Well it is 14 years old and given the graphical leaps in that amount of time, you'll either be impressed by how good it still looks or you'll find it all a bit quaint. I'm firmly in the former camp. The usual GTA combat gripes are present but they never got a handle on that in later games either.

Trophy count: 100% Platinum. Score: 8/10

                                                       Wolfenstein The New Order

Like Doom, the word Wolfenstein is legendary in the gaming world. In fact, one could argue without Wolfenstein there would be no Doom. But that's for another day. Both franchises have released current generation games and while Doom was a spectacular triumph I was less sure about this one. So I put it on the long finger and sort of forgot about it. Then Donald Trump refused to speak out against a Neo Nazi march (he actually endorsed it) and suddenly my, "kill Nazi" gland was twitching again. Incredibly, I bought this game on the PS store for €5!!! A fiver! Reviews were strong but I was still sceptical. I needn't have worried...

Once again we are in an alternate earth where the Nazi's have won WW2. Set in the 1960's you have your work cut out for you as hordes of Nazi's have the world by the throat. And they haven't been resting on their laurels either. They've built all manner of mech beasts, robot dogs and weapons of such destruction you can't help but be impressed by their ingenuity. They've even been to the moon! Don't worry, you get to go too! Of course the aforementioned weapons, in the right hands (yours) can do immeasurable damage. And the good thing about having loads of Nazis about is that there are loads of Nazis to kill (see pic above). And kill them you will. As first person shooters go this one is a fucking doozie! Endlessly entertaining and a decent challenge for most gamers, the game also looks great.

Gripes? Well once again there's not much originality but it delivers on its promise. You may even end up caring about some of the characters within.
Trophy count: 65% Score: 8/10.

                                            Horizon Zero Dawn and The Frozen Wilds

I honestly do not know where to start with this fucking masterpiece. HZD is a futuristic game in which humanity has been all but wiped out. As usual it was all self inflicted and "the machines" are the enemy. Of course there's an intelligence behind it all with a few twists and turns along the way.

Our main character, Aloy, is raised by a guy called Rost. He's a hardy soul and has been banished from his clan. He is an "Outlander" so Aloy is an "Outlander". This all seems rather petty given where the game ends up but it sets Aloy up as someone who must overcome all manner of prejudice before she can even begin to help save the fucking world. She is a hero you see and her obvious physical attributes are nothing compared to her mental strength.

Graphically, the game is an utter triumph. It leaves the likes of Uncharted 4 in the dust (high praise indeed) and the size of the game is, at first, intimidating. But then you realise you can play it in such a way that it doesn't overwhelm you. You do have the option to just play the storyline and complete the game, this however was simply not an option for me. I had to do it all.

Gameplay is a joy too. Aloy is a huntress and hunting is a huge part of the game. You have a vast array of weapons to master and develop. Finding which weapon works best for each creature isn't essential until the latter part of the game but I would recommend getting a head start and experimenting. Again you don't have to master every weapon, but getting proficient with a few will be a big help. This is easier in practice than is sounds and also very enjoyable.

Horizon Zero Dawn came in for some stick from Dia Lacina (a Native American writer) wrote that using terms like "braves" or "tribes" while not disrespecful was "not afforded due consideration given their historical connotations for Native Americans." Lacina's point was even tempered and made for an interesting read. However, you must never underestimate the misplaced guilt of your average social justice keyboard warrior and by jaysus did they pile on. The game's director was forced to respond: "with the kind of culture of the internet that we have right now, it's impossible to predict what it is that may offend. Certainly we were not intentionally being insensitive, or trying to offend in any manner." Lacina's article and the full response are readily available online. Both make for good reading.

Despite this minor incident, HZD was an enormous and deserved success. It has won countless awards and it is the epitome of current gen gaming. It was only a matter of time before the DLC landed and when it did, I jumped on it. By the time I'd finished HZD, the Forzen Wilds DLC was on sale. Yoink. As you'd expect, you'll spend your time in navigating through deep blizzards helping the Banuk tribe (some of whom don't want your help) overcome a dangerous AI that has infected machines and driven them mad. It has even managed to create new machines. I won't spoil the surprise here but the toughest of these do not fuck around and you'd better be ready when the fight comes, which it fucking does. There are side quests and challenges as you'd expect and it's all terrific fun.

Gripes? None. Come on G, there must be something? Nope. Seriously? Yes.

Trophy Count: HZD: Platinumed. Frozen Wilds: 100%  Score: 10/10.

                                                    Alex Kidd in Miracle World
Variety is indeed the spice of life. And having played the absolute masterpiece of current gen gaming that is Horizon Zero Dawn, it was only fitting that my wife decreed that we should make Friday night, game night (ahem) in our house and our first game would be the old Sega Master System classic Alex Kidd in Miracle World. Thankfully I kept my PS3 where it was available for under a fiver.

For those of us of a certain vintage the nostalgia factor this game brings with it cannot really be quantified. Back in 1986 Alex was Sega's answer to Nintendo's Mario. And while he never quite managed to reach the heights of success our little Italian busy body managed, his game was for many of us vastly superior. As you'd expect it's a 2D side scrolling platformer, filled with colour and levels ranging from hugely enjoyable to extremely challenging. While mostly on foot, Alex will occasionally have to swim (see pic), take a motor bike, a helicopter or even a boat through levels. How good you are will depend on how good your hand eye co-ordination is. Back in the early 90's when I was playing it, I was pretty good. Today, it took a bit of getting used to and it seems to run a little faster. Or maybe I'm slower...

The plot is the usual bollocks. Evil guy (Janken the Great) has beaten up the King, kidnapped the Prince and Princess and taken them to his castles. Alex must free the kidnapped couple and face Janken in , yes, a Janken mattch to the death in order to restore the kingdom to its former glory.

Alex Kidd was released to rave reviews back in the mid 80's and every time it gets released on later consoles, notably the Wii and PS3 the reviews remain strong. It's an absolute belter of a platform adventure and comes highly recommended.
Trophy Count: We got all but one. We missed the letter in Janken's second Castle... Guess we'll have to play it again :) Score: 8/10.

Happy gaming!

Cheers,

G.

Inspirational Speeches in Movies

Oh we love a good "pick the troops up" speech in a movie, don't we! Also known as the St. Crispin's Day speech, my favourite one is actually a very quiet affair in the excellent but ignored, Serenity. But I want to start with an actual St. Crispin's Day Speech delivered by the amazing Billy Zane in Tombstone.
Background: Billy and his acting troupe have landed in the ominous and aptly named Tombstone to entertain the locals. Unfortunately for him, the locals include one of the most notorious gangs of the wild west, The Cowboys, who are just as likely to shoot you as they are to poke fun at you. Zane's courage and delivery wins them over. Well done Billy:

Gotta have some Aaron Sorkin. When it comes to speeches, the man is a master. I don't know if this is his best one (his television shows are an embarrassment of riches) but given the current climate (and President) I think this needs to be in here.

Background: President Andy Shepard (Michael Douglas) has seen his numbers drop in recent months because he started dating lobbyist Sydney Ellen Wade (Annette Bening). The Republican candidate, Bob Rumson (a brilliantly smarmy Richard Dreyfuss) has been scoring points with "judgemental America". Sydney has just dumped The President because, in order to keep his job he's thrown her job under the bus. He realises he was wrong and sets about making it right.

Next up, Alien 3. Now, you probably hate this movie (if you do, you're wrong) but you cannot deny the delivery here.
Background: After Ripley crash lands on Fiorina 161 she is rescued by the locals. Sadly for her the locals are prisoners and they are all terrible. Dillon (Charles S. Dutton) is the leader of the pack and when an Alien starts picking them off, Ripley formulates a plan to kill it. Unfortunately for her, most of the inmates hate her. Fortunately for her, Dillon has her back...



Return of the King. This one doesn't get enough love. It's an odd one because it's in one of the most successful movies ever made and it's a fantastic piece of acting by Viggo Mortensen. Well I'm happy to give it some love here.
Background: Frodo and Sam are deep in Mordor trying to destroy the one ring. Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli lead their troops to the Black Gate of Mordor to call out the Dark Lord. It's all a ruse to by Frodo time. The numbers are against them, they cannot win. Nobody told Aragorn!

This next speech is more motivational than inspirational but I think it deserves a spot on my list because of the wonderful delivery and dark humour.

Background: O-Ren Ishii (a brilliant Lucy Liu) has taken over "the council" and one of her peers is less than happy. She listens to his concerns before responding in deadly fashion. Truly memorable stuff:

Let's up the cheese factor, shall we. Independence Day isn't a great movie but when it landed in the mid 90's it was the absolute bollocks! It hasn't aged very well though and when you read the dialogue of this speech you'll wonder how it made it to final draft. It's to Bill Pullman's credit that he, almost, makes it work.

The movie, Pearl Harbour is an abject lesson in how NOT to do inspiration because if you thought Bill Pullman's effort above was risible well you ain't seen nothing yet. Endurance points if you make it to the end of this puke-fest:

                                     
Did you make it? :)

Moving on. Sports movies generally have their speeches right before the final fight or match, depending on the sport and they're generally pretty good. Some of them are low key affairs but the best ones start out quiet with the speechmaker adding something human to the mix, usually personal loss or failings and it all ends with a defiant "yes we can" moment from all involved. The best of these is delivered by Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday. Enjoy:

How do we top that one? Well, I think most people recognise this next one is the best one. I saw this in the cinema back in the 90's and the place went nuts. It's the only time I went to a movie where there was a standing ovation when it was over and the moment it went from enjoyable romp to cast iron classic was when Mel delivered this speech. It's absolute perfection and the fact that it's wormed its way into popular culture (along with Freeedooooom) is no surprise.
Background: The English have been butchering the Scots for long enough. William Wallace thinks he can take them but he needs the Scottish army to stick together. I nearly signed up for the fuckin' 'RA when I heard this:

And finally my personal favourite. I love this because of how it's delivered. No shouting. No chest beating. Just a steely determination and total commitment to his beliefs. Yes, I love the characters far too much but I'm able to dial that back and analyse it without bias and I think Nathan Fillion's delivery is top notch. I also adore the writing. The lighting on our hero isn't bad either.
Background: The crew of Serenity have uncovered a government secret that could potentially take down The Alliance... if they can survive a suicide run against impossible odds to deliver the message:

Feel free to share your favourites!

Cheers,

G.

What is the Problem with Superman?

When Bryan Singer wrestled control of Superman Returns from Brett Ratner in the mid 2000's we all rejoiced. Singer had just made the excellent X-Men 2. Ratner was (and remains) a paint by numbers director. He took over X-Men 3. Most of us felt like Superman's gain was very much X-Men's loss. As it turned out, both movies are noteworthy for being very well made but missing something.

When I went to see Superman Returns in 2006 I was excited beyond belief and the movie started quite well. There's a simply incredible rescue scene early on which I hoped would be a tone setter. Check it out:

That ranks right up there with the very best Superman action sequences and Brandon Routh, while clearly channelling Christopher Reeves, did a great job in the movie... except for one thing. A thing that wasn't his fault. A thing that just doesn't sit well with me or anyone else to be honest. Despite all the thrilling heroics in the movie, Superman straight up creeps on Lois Lane. You could argue he has always done this but listening in on conversations between Lois (Kate Bosworth) and her partner Richard White (played by professional safety net guy James Marsden) was just gross... and Superman should never be gross.

Meanwhile Kevin Spacey did his best to dislodge Gene Hackman as the greatest Lex Luthor ever. He came up short. It's not that he was bad, it's just he seemed to be trying very hard to be evil. Hackman just played the character with ease. All of this was compounded by the fact that Superman Returns is a hard remake of Superman 1978 to the point that they added unused footage of Marlon Brando from the '78 movie and what it gains in some incredible technical wizardry carried out by the CGI team it loses in the charm stakes. There's no "you've got me, who's got you" moments here. And how could there be, especially with a kid in danger. This utterly brilliant scene showcases magnificent special fx and I do enjoy it very much but it is caught in that awkward spot between fun and actual genuine terror...

Again, that's just a showstopper of a moment and everyone concerned should be very proud of themselves.

Some people hated the idea that Lois and Superman had a baby. I didn't mind it. Might it have been shit in later movies? Yeah it might have been but we'll never know because Superman Returns was a box office failure. With a production budget of $270m Superman Returns only managed to pull in $391m. That doesn't even include advertising expense which was substantial but let's assume advertising cost fuck all, you might think that $120m is a decent return on investment? You'd be mistaken. Warner Bros don't put $270m into a production to cover expenses and get a few quid back. They throw that kind of money out there to make mega bucks and this movie did not deliver mega bucks.

Superman Returns opened to pretty good reviews and a reasonable opening weekend. So why did it fail to capture the mass imagination? Creepy Superman? Maybe. It's a remake of the first one? Maybe. Or is it that the character just isn't as engaging as he was in 1978? Hard to know. My feeling is that it was all of these things. I actually enjoy the movie on a surface level, I just wish it had cut ties with the 1978 movie. Clearly something needed to change and WB took their time before opting for a complete overhaul.

Enter Zack Snyder!

I went to see Sucker Punch and thought it was appalling. It looked great but, seriously, it was fucking stupid. Apparently everyone else thought it was terrible too as it took a critical mauling and bombed at the box office... big time! It had previously been announced that the director of this movie would be helming the new Superman movie... I was not impressed. But I couldn't argue that the man had a way with a camera. His movies looked fucking beautiful. Box office wise he was a mixed bag. He'd had some success with his well received Dawn of the Dead remake (I hated it) and 300 was a huge hit (wasn't a fan of that either) but he'd stumbled badly with Watchmen though it was received well enough by fans of the books... so this was a risk.

Man Of Steel was announced and Henry Cavill was cast as everyone's favourite Kryptonian... Nobody had a problem with this:

He really is a beautiful man! When the clip came out we all lost our shit. This looked INCREDIBLE. Look at that cast. Look at Costner's delivery of "you are my son". Again, check it out:

And so I went to the cinema to watch this. Despite Snyder's involvement I was excited and hopeful. And I must be 100% honest, I left utterly satisfied. To this day I still like the movie and happily view it from time to time. But we're getting away from the point.
Initial reviews were good. Initial fan reaction was also good but after a few weeks came an enormous backlash from fans who hated the movie. I'll come back to that but nobody could have a problem with the first half of this movie.
Starting on the doomed planet of Krypton we see Russell Crowe pulling off all manner of heroics (surrounded by beautiful and unusual visuals) to get his son off planet so he can survive. It's a fun watch. As is all the stuff leading up to Superman facing off against Zod. This is where the divide happens.

People were unhappy with the level of destruction in the movie and were even more upset by Superman's lack of respect for humanity. "Why wasn't he saving more people?". "This feels more like a Tranformers movie"... you've heard all the gripes. Later, people jumped on the hate wagon and started on the look of the movie. Apparently it wasn't bright enough... Fuck me, everyone's an expert these days!
For me, I thought it looked great and enjoyed that Superman was out of his depth against three fully trained Kryptonian's. There was always gonna be casualties. My one problem with the movie is where Superman and Lois Lane decide to kiss. It's surrounded by rubble where thousands of people have died and it just feels fucking weird. But that's my only issue. I'd rate it as good as something like Age of Ultron and I liked that Superman straight up kills Zod at the end. Again, many didn't like this. "Superman should never murder enemies". Well, I disagree. Zod left him no choice and it was an interesting take on the character. Then again, I don't read comics so maybe that's why I didn't care.

Man Of Steel cost $225m and pulled in $668m. While this was an improvement on Superman Returns, it was still less than WB had hoped for. Once again, Superman just wasn't connecting with audiences the way the studio had hoped he would.
They didn't like Superman Returns because it was too similar to Superman '78 and they didn't like Man Of Steel because it was too different... So what now?

Surely these two heavyweights going head to head would be irresistible to genre fans. Well it definitely caused a stir. Many wanted a standalone Bat movie to lead into BvS and suggested that this was happening too fast. They might have had a point. Ben Affleck was announced as the caped crusader and the internet went nuts. A lot of people hated the idea but there was a lot of support for him too. As it happened nobody need have worried about "Bat-fleck" he was, and is, a rock solid Batman. After more build up than I can ever remember for a super hero movie BvS landed and was immediately pummelled by critics.

Plot: After the destruction caused by Superman in his battle to save earth from Zod and his merry friends, Bruce Wayne decides the earth doesn't need this shit and decides to take matters into his own hands. Meanwhile Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) is planning to play the Bat against the Man of Steel. He also brings to life a "Doomsday" creation out of Kryptonian tech and the blood of Zod. Why? Well, he's nuts.

Whatever. We all went to see the face off and when it finally happens, it is brilliant. While Superman could have ended the fight pretty early on, he underestimates The Bat, who has procured Kryptonite and isn't afraid to use it. He quickly deploys it and kicks seven shades of shit out of Superman and is about to kill him only to be stopped by the fact that their mother's share the same name... no really. I still don't get it. But the movie carries on to its conclusion and Wonder Woman steals the show. Check out her intro:

What a moment that is! And moments are what Zack Snyder does well. That's why his clips look fucking amazing. It's the in between where he fumbles. In some cases his fumbling is movie ruining. Having said that, aren't super hero movies all about moments? Perhaps I'm defending him because I quite enjoyed BvS. But once again, it didn't hit the heights expected at the box office. BvS with a $250m budget reeled in a decent $874m. By no means a disaster and certainly made a few quid, WB would have been hoping for a billion. No question.
Since then, Wonder Woman has gone on to become the jewel in the DC crown with a superb movie of her own and a huge box office return. Can we apply her blue print to Superman? No, no we can't. He's already had his origin movie but what we can do is have Patty Jenkins more involved in future Superman movies. She is the best director DC have used so far and seems to have her hand on the pulse when it comes to what the public wants from these kinds of movies.

There were rumours that Mathew Vaughn would take on Superman. He certainly did a great job with X-Men First Class (the best X-Men movie in my humble opinion) and I could get behind this but again I'd love to see Patty Jenkins take a shot. DC should be in a better place and with names like Patty Jenkins, Joss Whedon and Mathew Vaughn hanging around one must be optimistic.

Justice League came out recently and has flopped... big time. Unfortunately the movie never really stood a chance. Snyder had to leave the project due to a family tragedy and Joss Whedon came in to "finish" the movie. As you can imagine, it's a bit of a mess. An enjoyable mess but a mess all the same. With a cost of €300m the movie has only pulled in $652m and with stiff competition in the cinemas now (Jan '18) it won't pull in much more. Those numbers simply are not good enough but the movie did something perfectly: Superman. All moustache bollocks aside (I didn't notice while I watched) Superman is a delight in the movie. After the stupid resurrection scene (I hate resurrections in movies) he is understandably pissed off, particularly with Batman. He singlehandedly beats the shit out of the Justice League before Lois Lane calms him down and he starts to come round. He shows up to save the League from certain destruction at the hands of Steppenwolf and he is both funny and charming while doing so. He also saves a fuckton of people and is just in great form. This, one has to assume is the Joss Whedon influence...

If Superman is to reclaim his place at the top of the superhero food chain, a couple things need to happen. Patty Jenkins should be heavily involved and having Joss Whedon around couldn't hurt either. Cavill has shown he can do this and do it well so he should be trusted to continue. As regards tone, some people would like a more Marvelesque tone, others enjoyed the "darkness" of Snyder's movies. I just think a good story with likable and enjoyable characters is the most important thing. The tone is dictated by the fucking story, not the other way around and if the movie is good you won't care whether it's dark or light.

Of course, given how badly JL has performed at the box office, some thought WB might pull the plug on the whole thing but this would be a mistake. In Wonder Woman they have a bonafide box office super star for this generation. They also have an Aquaman movie deep (ahem) in post production. They will be hoping James Wan (a great director) can work some magic there. If he does and with Wonder Woman 2 on the way, DC might just rescue this whole thing. But it needs a strong Superman. We all do...

Cheers,

G.

Nancy Meyers Movies: I'm a Fan But...

I saw Baby Boom in the cinema when I was 11 years old and I loved it. I didn't know or care who was responsible for the movie but it occurs to me that I've been a fan of Nancy Meyers for 30 years. The recently released Home Again has the name Nancy Meyers all over it though not where it counts. Nancy neither wrote nor directed the movie and the results have been predictable. Opening the film on the same weekend as Stephen King's IT was a huge blunder and it did make me wonder how an actual Nancy movie would have fared against Pennywise... Then I just started thinking about her movies in general so here we are!

I was watching The Intern a while back and I was enjoying it. Ann Hathaway plays the adorable, successful, business owning woman so well that you'd just have to assume that Ann Hathaway is actually all of those things and more. Robert De Niro does more in his opening monologue than he has in years. As it happens, he is the intern of the piece and his wisdom and life experience trickle down to help the young professionals around him. It's breezy, it's well paced and it's fun...

Still, a couple of things stuck in my craw. There is a scene in the movie where Ann Hathaway has a few drinks with a few worker bees and gets a bit drunk. Take a look...

Really? Jack Nicholson era guys? Yes, men dressed better back then but they also controlled everything... Meyers is clearly a feminist and writes successful women very well. However, her bygone era fantasies that things (and men) were so much better "back then" seem to fly in the face of the equality that women really should have by now. Men weren't all like Robert De Niro's character in this movie. Actually, hardly any of them were... When I bring this up the reaction is generally of the "It's a fucking movie G, relax" variety. I did and, this minor quibble aside, I thoroughly enjoyed the film.

The other thing that comes to mind (as it always does with these movies) is just how rich everyone is... Now, this isn't so much a complaint as much as it is an observation. You look at any Meyers movie and everyone is fucking loaded. What Women Want, Something's Gotta Give, The Holiday, It's Complicated. All these people stink of money! To be fair, they are all in great jobs and you get the impression they worked hard to get to this point of comfort in their lives but you also get the impression that they've never known any real hardship. Again, that's just an observation but the stakes in these movies rarely seem high. I mean, if Diane Keaton (likes to write from her house in the Hamptons) had ended up with Dr. Keanu "super fucking handsome" Reeves in Something's Gotta Give instead of Jack Nicholson would you have been overly sad? If the answer to that question is yes I am genuinely worried about you. Keanu is so fucking perfect in that movie I wouldn't have been surprised if Jack had ended up going after the young doctor instead of Keaton!

Something's Gotta Give, for me at least, is Nancy's best movie. Diane Keaton is an absolute delight in it. Genuinely funny, she's an irresistible mix of high intellect and infectious quirkiness. She's also the best thing in the movie. That said, Jack Nicholson doesn't phone it in either. In fact, whenever I watch the movie (which is a lot) I get the distinct impression that he's working his ass off and loving every second. They are a formidable duo and brought this excellent script to life as only they can. The moment I saw those leads and directed by Nancy Meyers I was sold. I went to see this movie with my then girlfriend and we brought our mothers because we knew they'd have fun. It is here that I think Nancy Meyers deserves a fuck-ton of credit. Her movies entertain people of all ages. Sure, casting older actors will help but there's a wicked wit in the writing that brilliantly bridges the gap between people in their 20's and people in their 70's. It's fascinating how she manages to do it but do it she (mostly) does.

The next movie of Nancy's I saw was It's Complicated... Before I get into that movie let me just say this: Meryl Streep is the world's greatest actor. This isn't a fucking gender thing either guys. She's better than Hanks, Daniel Day Lewis... everyone. So why did It's Complicated fail to reach me the way Something's Gotta Give did? Quite simply, the incredible décor of the surroundings is so overwhelming that it actually took me out of the fucking movie. I know I mentioned the "rich people, no problems" stuff earlier but in this particular movie it reaches maddening levels of that. Every interior is somebody's beautiful house or high class hotels or somebody else's beautiful house. I mean it's enough to make Victoria fucking Hagen blush. So, on to the "first world problem" for Streep. She and her ex husband (Alec Baldwin being Alec Baldwin) have an innocent dinner together which, of course, ends in them screwing. Baldwin, predictably, is married to a woman young enough to be his daughter and suddenly Streep goes from ex to other woman and all this happens just as she is starting to connect with Steve Martin. The addition of Steve Martin to this movie should have been a good thing and he does have some nice scenes with Streep but his talents are criminally underused and his charming, quiet guy is absolutely pummelled off the screen by all and sundry. Unforgivable waste of talent there. As it happens there is nothing even remotely complicated about the movie. It's not that the movie is so bad, I mean look at that cast. But imagine how good it could have been if that cast had been given things to do. Fun fact: The house Streep's character lives in recently sold for $10.5m...


So what do audiences want? One thing is clear, Nancy Meyers movies make money! And back in the days when Mel Gibson wasn't seen as a complete lunatic she did a really fun movie called What Women Want with him. It received a mixed reception from the critics but audiences seemed to enjoy it and I certainly did. Once again, everyone is filthy rich. Mel lives in a gorgeous apartment and is a serial womaniser. He works in a beautiful building, making commercials that are aimed at young men and he is on the verge of a major promotion. Then along comes Helen Hunt. She ends up getting Mel's job because the company isn't competing in the ladies market and there are vast sums of money to be made. She gives everyone a box of "woman stuff" and tells them to go home and try to think about how to appeal more to women. Mel, of course, hates the idea but after a bottle of red wine he relaxes and throws himself into the assignment. He ends up in the bathtub, hair dryer in hand and unconscious. However, rather than being dead he is imbued with the power to hear the thoughts of nearby women. He quickly turns this to his advantage and by using Hunt's work ideas against her putting him two steps ahead of her. In doing so though he gets to know her and, as you'd expect, he falls for her. And she for him. Many critics give the movie shit for not looking too deeply into what women actually want but for those of us looking for some sweet romantic fun with solid performances and an abundance of chuckles, What Women Want delivered.
For the record, I suspect what women want is similar to what men want. Love, security, choices, a job and somewhere safe to live and raise our kids should we choose to have them... That some critics didn't seem to get this says more about them than this movie.

The last movie I'm going to talk about is The Holiday. This is a movie that is hated as much as it is loved. I've never heard anyone say "yeah it's okay". It's always "Oh I fucking love that movie" or the opposite of that. 
So what's the what? Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz swap homes for a while to just get away from their shit. Winslet is trying to forget about an asshole at work and Diaz wants away from her shitty half who has been nailing his secretary... (men are such assholes, aren't they) As you'd expect, both can afford to do this and are spoiled rotten when they land in each other's dwellings. For me, Diaz gets the slightly better deal as she ends up in an absolutely beautiful country cottage.

The postcard exterior is matched only by the coziness of the interior. Mind you Winslet does very well too as the Diaz home exudes luxury. Take a look:

Our heroines quickly fall into good company. Winslet finds comfort in a surprisingly affable Jack Black and friendship in an adorable Eli Wallach. Meanwhile in good old Blighty, Diaz is quickly won over by the ample charms of Jude Law. Despite the absolute "this would NEVER happen" nature of The Holiday, Meyers works a minor miracle by making us forget about the absurdity of it all. The movie, afterall, is called The Holiday. It wants you to forget the humdrum of your actual life and surrender to the surface beauty of it all. Just don't look under the hood as it might expose something you don't want to admit about yourself... more on that later.
The Holiday ends the way most of Nancy's movies do. The people we're rooting for get what they want therefore we get what we want and we sit there with big, stupid smiles on our faces.

You may have noticed that I'm using the actor's real names. This is simply because at no point in any of these movies do the people feel like real people. They feel like the next stage in human evolution devoid of the petty issues that plague us mere mortals though they never truly embrace their obvious superiority which makes them all the more irresistable. It's GENIUS!!!

"So what's the problem?" I hear you ask. For me, nothing. I have no problem at all. I genuinely enjoy most of Nancy's movies. The reasons are twofold. Nancy Meyers's is a much better writer/director than she gets credit for and I am shallow. I've always admitted it and I'm not ashamed. Meyer's movies are successful. Just pick a random one to look up on box office mojo: http://www.boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=intern.htm and you'll see. Also, I'm not sure whether this was premeditated or not but she has tapped into a huge market. We are shallow creatures. Oh yes. Deny it all you want but you want that fucking house. You want handsome friends. You want that amazing job that pays you more than you deserve. You want to be Ann Hathaway in the Intern or Mel Gibson in What Women Want. But most of all you want their problems. You want their problems because they're not really problems at all...

Nancy has a way with words. She's been the driving force behind some truly memorable movies but I'm just not sure if there's a lot to her movies and maybe there doesn't have to be. To quote the woman herself: “Well, I don’t see a lot of movies telling stories about complicated women with real problems,” she says, “and studies tell you that’s true. So I can’t say it’s gotten better. I have to be honest with you, I think it’s gotten worse.” Amen sister!

Cheers,

G.