I may get some shit for this but I don't care. With ISIS (or whatever the hell they're calling themselves this week) continuing their siege against, well, everything and a total lack of action from so called moderates within the muslim community, is it time to stop using the phrase moderate muslim? I know they're out there... somewhere... but they're so quiet.
I'm not talking about the poor unfortunates on the ground doing their best to stand up to these vermin. I'm talking about the 1.6 billion muslims praying to mohammed a gazillion times a day when they should be out fighting for human rights. Come on lads, can we start allowing women to drive cars now please? Or how about allowing them out of the house without you or a trusted male colleague to "protect" them? Now I know these things don't happen in every muslim nation but they do happen and it's gone way beyond the fucking joke.
Let's get to the nuts and bolts of this. We all hate ISIS. To quote John Oliver, they are the ebola of humanity. That is accepted by almost everyone in the west. However I'd prefer to take aim at the day to day stuff, like this: Women are still treated like they are subservient to men and are punished in very extreme ways for what men deem to be crimes. These horrendous things happen in so-called progressive muslim nations too. This goes way beyond the inequality women face here at home which is also fucking disgraceful. The difference here is, women in Ireland won't be gang raped as punishment for having an affair with a married man and then subsequently be publicly caned for her original "crime".
Look at that brave masked man above ready to deal justice to the sinner on her knees. What a guy! I bet that made him feel good. This took place last year in Indonesia (in the news again today) a place which has a reputation for being a forward thinking muslim nation. There are miscarriages of justice in Ireland but this kind of wrongness is exclusive to batshit muslim nations that worship the islam religion. Even those who claim to be secular nations have this level of "justice". Look at the crowds watching. Are they being coerced? I don't know but let's assume they are being forced out into the streets to watch this poor woman suffer such disgusting indignity. Where the hell are the voices of reason? Where is the outrage? Again, I'm sure there are some people who hate that this is their country but they're not doing anything to prevent it. Too many men like the status quo. Too many men enjoy the power. Too many men... actually just too many fucking arseholing men with far too much power. You get a gang of men together and give them all the power and everything just goes to shit. Look no further than the catholic church for proof. They too are an insidious organization but as much as I despise them, I've gotta give it to islam. They continuously find new ways to lower the humanity bar.
I've always felt that being a moderate meant supporting free speech (no matter how infuriating that can be, I'm looking at you Iona Institute fuckers) and gender equality should also be a given. This way of thinking just does not exist for the muslim community. You cannot mock their "prophet" and women live in a state of servitude. These are facts! I've used my free speech to argue that the 1.6 billion muslims on the planet are not doing enough to make free speech and gender equality a reality in their worlds. To my astonishment, in the face of undeniable proof of recent abuse, I've met some resistance from people who would call themselves "liberal". Aparently you cannot expect devout muslims to change their belief system. Why not? How is it that in 2015, people do not know that public caning is wrong? How is it that in Saudi Arabia when a person calls himself an atheist he suffers 20 lashes a week for 50 weeks as well as prison time? Or in Bangledesh, they straight up murder you for the same thing. To be fair to Bangledesh, that wasn't the authorities that was just the people... you know, followers of islam. Oh and they also cut his wife's finger off despite her having nothing to do with the blog.
You do not want be a homosexual in a muslim country either. I've mentioned this in a previous blog but gays are uniformly murdered by ISIS and muslims are of the opinion that being gay is somehow a sin. This isn't just a sharia law belief, this is a solid belief in most muslim communities. Granted, we've got some problems in this country when it comes to gay rights but at least we're having a conversation and putting issues to a vote. Being gay in a muslim country can very easily get you killed. Again, it's 2015. How can this be seen as normal? If you have a gay friend, ask them would they be openly gay in any muslim nation.
What role can America play in this? NONE WHATSOEVER!!! The reason ISIS exist is because that fucking dickhead George Bush invaded Iraq and gave the Middle East a perfectly good reason to rediscover their hatred of the West. If change is going to come, it has to come from within. If the US military go all "Team America" again, more forces will unify against the "great satan" that is the West.
The "nu-liberal" comeback is always the same pathetic shit. "You won't change their minds by insulting them." But I'm not insulting them. If we can't call something by its name then we too are denying free speech and are no better than lunatics who ban the wearing of Nike products and think statues are an affront to the prophet. Seriously... statues. That's right Jayne, you're an affront to the prophet! Actually, good job Cobb.
I'm afraid I'm just not convinced that there are a lot of moderate muslims out there, certainly not moderate as I understand the definition. If being a moderate muslim means "not as bad as ISIS" then you're not moderate, you're slightly above pond scum. What we need is a huge, effective liberal voice of reason to come out of the muslim world. How likely is this?
"Food for five years, a thousand gallons of gas, air filtration, water filtration, Geiger counter. Bomb shelter! Underground... God damn monsters." - Burt Gummer.
Tremors turned twenty five this year and there really should be more of a fuss. I was hoping for a 25th anniversary Blu-ray. I was of course being optimistic. Tremors is one of those movies that, for those of us of a certain vintage, you probably didn't see in the cinema but almost certainly saw on video. I remember seeing the clip for it at the cinema (possibly at Gremlins 2) and being intrigued but not to the "must see it" point. That's a pity.
I saw the movie for the first time when my brother rented it from our local video store. I was about 15 years old and my infatuation with monsters was in full flight. Jaws was, and remains, my favourite movie so this was right up my street. See, Tremors shares quite a few traits with the Spielberg masterpiece. Yeah they both feature people being eaten by huge creatures but much more importantly they have people who you genuinely like. Everyone knows Brody, Hooper and Quint. More people need to discover Valentine (Kavin Bacon), Earl (Fred Ward) and Rhonda (Finn Carter).
Val and Earl are "handymen" living in the desert town of Perfection (just asking for it with a name like that) and right off the bat they are established as an adorable odd couple. Their day starts with a game of "paper - scissors - rock" to decide who makes breakfast and a gentle trading of insults which sets the tone for the entire movie. The insults are drenched in affection and because of this we adore both men. Off they go to set about their daily oddjobs which do little more than keep them in beer money. It is on the way to one of these jobs that they decide to visit Perfection's latest visitor, Rhonda. Earl is hoping Val will take a liking to the girl as he feels that, while it's too late for him to settle down, there's still hope for Val. So they detour to meet the lady and, like our reluctant heroes, she's adorable. Val is less enthused... initially. Rhonda is a geologist who can't understand the readings she's getting in the area. She is warm and polite and we want to see more of her.
The movie sets up the characters in a simple but effective way. But what about the monsters? The creature fx are impressive. Like Jaws, Tremors doesn't show the foe right out of the gate. It hints at extraordinary power and real force. Also like Jaws the fx are practical. There are no CGI monsters in this movie and it really adds a tremendous amount of grit and believability to proceedings. An attack takes place where a middle-aged couple are killed in a fairly terrifying way. This is also a Jaws trait, lots of fun and interesting scenes bookended by a viscious, visceral attack. The scene ends in a station wagon where our doomed victim has ran to safety. It is at this point that we see snake-like creatures about 6ft in length that somehow manage to pull the station wagon underground... It later transpires that these creatures serve as the beast's tongue(s). So the snakes grab you and pull you into a much larger worm-like monster. Gross!
Speaking of Gross, the movie has a major secret weapon. Burt Gummer played by Michael Gross is one of these "survivalist" types. You just know he votes Republican and fought in Nam. He's a gun nut but more importantly he's an absolute gem of a man. His wife, Heather, played by C&W legend Reba McEntyre is also a hoot. These two have, perhaps, the most exciting scene in the movie where they face off against one of the beasts in their underground rec room. They become a wonderful addition to our group as they plan their escape from Perfection.
I don't want to talk too much about the movies many brilliant scenes because those of us who have seen the movie, know it inside out and I certainly don't want to ruin it for those who haven't. But I'll give away a tiny addition which I love. Tremors manages to give one of its monsters a little bit of personality! It all starts when Val reverses into a mud pile, no biggee. He hits the gas, the wheels are turning but he's burning rubber. Earl insists the truck is "hung up". Val disagrees. He manages to pull the truck away under duress, leading to another classic bit of Val and Earl banter. They return to Perfection to find one of the snake-like creatures attached to the underside of the truck. Clearly it had a hold of them. This, of course means one of the creatures is down a "tongue" and as a result it is instantly recognizable. Val even takes to calling him "Stumpy" and they have a running battle of wits in the final third of the movie. It's fucking hilarious!
Tremors is massive fun and again, this is thanks to the characters. It cost $10m and made, a not too shabby, $16m in the US (and a fair bit more worldwide) It deserved to make 10 times that! I'll leave you with the pole vaulting scene. Yes, pole vaulting. If Jurassic Park 4 features one single scene that makes me smile as much as this, I'll eat my megalodon tooth fossil:
The definition of a sequel: a novel, play, movie etc. that continues a previously related story…
Let me just say I’m not here to talk about Godfather 2, Aliens, The Two Towers, T2 or The
Empire Strikes Back because you already know just how brilliant those
movies are. I’m thinking of sequels you may not have seen. You’ll
certainly have seen and enjoyed the original but you never really
bothered with part 2 because, well, you just didn’t. So you’ve got your
Poltergeist 2, Jaws 2, The French Connection 2. You have some
sifting but decent sequels do exist. You also have to allow for the fact
that the majority of them will not be as good as the originals. If
you can get over that, there are many movies with the number 2
or higher tagged on at the end of the title for you to enjoy. Here's just a few of my faves!
Psycho 2! Back in 1983 the good people
at Universal decided to make a sequel to Psycho and boy did they face an
uphill battle. I mean, think about it: There’s just no way you’d let a
lunatic like Norman Bates out of the hospital… No Fucking Way! And if by
some miracle you did, there is absolutely no way in hell you’d send him
back to that fucking house. If and I do mean IF you can overlook these
issues there is a lot to enjoy in Psycho 2.
The story centres around
Norman Bates, Lila Loomis (Vera Miles) and her daughter, Mary (Meg Tilly). Lila is the sister of
Marian Crane who Norman knocked off in the shower 22 years ago. Lila
is, I suppose, justifiably miffed that Norman Bates is being released
from hospital and given his freedom. She will stop at nothing to A.
prove he is crazy and B. see him recommitted. Norman played majestically
by Anthony Perkins cuts a sympathetic figure which is quite the
achievement given his past. Watching him struggle to maintain his sanity
but eventually fall into madness at the hands of Lila and her daughter
is surprisingly sad. Norman has bought into the system that gave him his
freedom and he really wants to be a good person. There is a point in
the movie when Mary decides what she and Lila are doing is wrong and she
does her best to protect Norman. However it’s far too late by then and
an interesting Bates family twist helps to open the door to Norman’s
dark thoughts once again. Robert Loggia plays Norman’s doctor and is his
usual affable self but you pretty much know he's not going to make it to the last reel.
Thankfully the movie maintains a cheeky sense of
humour with Norman’s eventual acceptance of his madness an endless
source of joy. The ending is as funny as it is shocking (with a dash of
tragedy) and I will not spoil it here. This is a movie to be savoured
with everyone involved giving it their all. Jerry Goldsmith’s score
(like the movie itself) is the perfect blend of tragedy and foreboding,
Dean Cundey’s cinematography is beautiful (when isn't it) and director Richard Franklin
deserves serious credit for reopening the Bates Motel for business.
Psycho 2 isn’t as good as the original but it doesn’t harm it in any
way. In fact, seeing Norman and the old house drenched in Cundey’s
cinematography is a real treat. So much more than just a horror
movie! Fun fact: Part 3, directed by Perkins, is pretty fucking good
too…
Jaws 2: As a kid I loved this movie. As an adult, I’m less enthused.
Jaws, you see, is my favourite movie. I cannot be without Jaws for too
long. The sequel is the epitomy of a cash in… BUT, it’s a fun time.
Spielberg and Dreyfuss were going to come back but Close Encounters took
precedence. So we’re left with Roy Scheider once again playing Chief Brody suspecting a shark is back
on the prowl in the Amity Island waters. There's a half eaten whale on the beach, two missing divers and a hunch.
“Mayor of Shark City” Larry Vaughn played again by the excellent Murray
Hamilton doesn’t buy into the theory and neither does anybody else. Of
course Brody’s sons go out in their boats with their friends and it is
at this point that Jaws 2 becomes a sort of a slasher movie. Cue shark
attack after shark attack and some memorable scenes. The helicopter
attack is a doozie and who can forget “sh- sh- sh- sh- sh-
SHAAAAAAAARK”? There’s also a really effective scene where one of the
teenagers gives her life to save Brody’s youngest son Sean. The shark is
attacking again and young Brody cannot get back up to safety. In dives Marge to save him. She helps him up and then, well… have a
look here:
As monster movies go, Jaws 2 is a pretty good one. Just don't expect it to be in any condition to take on its predecessor. Fun facts: Deputy Hendrix plays a dentist in Halloween 2. Dick Warlock who plays Michael Myers in Halloween 2 did a lot of stunts in the cage attack in the original Jaws. Lance Guest who plays Jimmy in Halloween 2 plays Mike Brody in Jaws: The Revenge...
Young Guns 2. Straight away, you’ve got a fucking killer song in Blaze of Glory by Jon Bon Jovi to get the six shooter twitchin’. Jon also dies in the movie in a short cameo… which isn’t unwelcome. The Young Guns movies are based on the life of William H. Bonney aka Billy the Kid. Emilio Esteves has the lead role and is ably supported by Kiefer Sutherland, Dermot Mulroney and Lou Diamond Phillips. The first movie takes time to set up the relationship between Billy and the gang who are taken in and cared for by John Tunstall (Terrance Stamp). When Tunstall is gunned down by “Oirish” bad guy L.G. Murphy’s (Jack Palance) henchmen, The Kid and his gang start to take their revenge and a war breaks out. The first movie is a decent watch but lacks the energy of the sequel. You wouldn’t want to make too much of it but Young Guns 2 ramps up the action as Billy is hunted down by “law men” and eventually his best friend, Pat Garret, played by William Peterson. The production values are high, the score by Alan Silvestri (yes, he did Back to the Future) is absolutely top notch and you do not feel the time go by. Fun fact, that’s Bradley Whitford questioning Brushy Bill Roberts at the start… no not the fucking guitarist from Aerosmith, the other one… Josh Lyman to the layman!
Poltergeist 2. "God is in his holy temple". Reverend Kane, who is so clearly a demon that he may as well be wearing a sign, sings this creepiest of hyms as he tries to take Carol Anne to "The Other Side". The Freeling family are now living in Diane's (JoBeth Williams) family home after their home imploded at the end of the original movie. One thing to note about the Poltergeist movies is despite some genuinely quality scares, they are PG movies. The emphasis is as much on fun as it is on horror and with the comedic talents of Craig T. Nelson being utilized, it works. This sequel isn't as good as the first movie but it isn't a total dog either. The family are likeable so you're rooting for them, there's the superbly done "vomit a creature" scene and a sense that the next entertaining attack isn't far away. Poltergeist 2 never sets out to do anything original, it does set out to make a fun ghost house movie and it succeeds for the most part. Worth a look and wears the spirit (ahem) of the original on its sleeve. Fun fact: the "haunted" chainsaw is a nod to the director of Poltergeist, Tobe Hooper, who also made The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Friday the 13th Part VI - Jason Lives. Okay right out of the gate let me just say, this movie is a fucking blast and easily the best entry in the Friday cannon. It pokes fun at itself, at you (care taker finding Jason's grave dug up looks slightly off frame and says "some folks got a strange idea of entertainment") and at horror movies in general. There are also nods and winks to John Carpenter, Mick Garris, Sean S. Cunningham, Boris Karlof and for no reason whatsoever... James Bond:
There are many more for you to look out for and Jason Voorhees himself is on hilarious form, something the franchise should have made more use of as it went on. He seems more curious in this movie and definitely has a sense of humour. Tom McLoughlin's direction is a plus but it is his writing that shines. I mean it's a fifth fucking sequel, you absolutely have to take the piss. The cast range from okay to really rather good. Thom Mathews plays returning character Tommy Jarvis and is very enjoyable. David Kagen as the sherriff is also a hoot with Deputy Rick played by, wait for it, Vincent Guastaferro equally enjoyable. I'm gushing over this movie but it's a diamond in a dredge mine.
Fun Fact...Visual aide needed:
That's Tony Goldwyn above. Yep, the bad guy from The Last Samurai was stabbed by Tom Cruise and Jason Voorhees.
Escape From LA. Right, this movie has more than a few problems. The biggest of these problems? The special fx are terrible. Carpenter apologists suggest he was going for a comic book look and at times that works really well. But far too often it looks horribly dated and actually felt dated back in 1996 too. That being said the movie has one undeniable plus: Snake Plissken is fucking cool. Escape From New York was a decent hit for John Carpenter and Kurt Russell in 1981. Russell never really got over playing Plissken and when suddenly he had the clout to make whatever movie he wanted (on the back of the huge success of Tombstone) he went for Escape From LA and got Carpenter back to direct. This time round Snake is poisoned by the powers that be and promised the antidote if he retrieves a doomday device from the vermin lurking in LA which, like New York, is now a maximum security prison. Look, the movie is an eye sore (sorry couldn't resist) but there's a wonderful cameo from Bruce Campbell which ridicules the plastic surgery infatuation rampant in LA, there's a quality live or die basketball scene, Stacey Keach and Michelle Forbes are a good foil for Snake and Steve Bucemi steals scene after scene. Pam Grier and Peter Fonda are also welcome additions. The ending is a piece of brilliance too. Peter Fonda said of the movie, "the money wasn't bad but to just be a part of that Russell/Carpenter friendship for a while was amazing". As movie fans, I think that's how we should look at this movie.
Fun Fact: Escape From LA features Kurt Russell's one and only writing credit...
Blade 2: Better than the original! YES IT IS! Guillermo Del Toro does a fine job here with excellent set pieces and genuinely monstrous vampires. B movie legend Ron Pearlman is on superb form too and Blade himself takes a bit of a back seat to allow the story to develop. That's not to say he doesn't kick severe arse when needed. He really does. But it's to the movie's credit that Blade isn't forced into every scene. Fun fact: There is reference to The Dark Knight returning in the movie. David Goyer wrote this and went on to...well you see where this is going.
The Bourne Supremacy: An improvement over the original with Bourne (Matt Damon) being pulled back in (just when he thought he was out). Karl Urban plays a ruthless assassin hired by Ward Abbott (Brian Cox) to take Bourne down. Bourne knows too much about Abbott's CIA dealings and needs to be handled. They frame him to find him and then they go after him. Bourne quickly turns the tables and takes the fight back to the whole agency delivering on his promise that if he even sensed their presence: "there is no measure to how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep". He is as good as his word. The movie has many things to admire but a real piece of genius is the inclusion of Joan Allen as Pamela Landy. Allen is always class. Charged with finding Bourne she brings a strength of purpose to her role and after looking closely at the case she discovers that Bourne is very much the victim here. A scene where Bourne makes contact over the phone while looking at her through a sniper rifle is rivetting. The movie has some superb up close and personal action sequences and director Paul Greengrass is to be applauded for putting together some bone crunching scenes, most notably a fight to the death in a house with another trained assassin and a brilliantly put together car chase in Russia which would have been a great closer for any other action movie. This isn't just any other action movie though and there is a surprising and wonderful coda which adds a depth to the character of Jason Bourne that is most welcome. Best movie of the franchise so far. Fun fact: At no point in this movie does Bourne crack a smile... fuckin' hard core!
Predator 2. The first movie is one of those movies that does what it wants and doesn't give a shit if you like it or not. It's an absolute treat too! You've all seen and know it by heart. Part 2 does the exact same thing and in some ways, does it better. That's not to say it's a better movie, it ain't but there are things I prefer about it. The setting for example, LA is just way more interesting than a jungle in the arsehole of nowhere. Bill Paxton is always welcome and is on fine form here. The lead role went to Danny Glover and I've always liked him. Apparently the Predator isn't a big fan and spends much of the movie putting Glover through the mill. It's an enjoyable movie with a hilarious turn by world's angriest man, Gary Busey and a couple of scenes featuring Adam Baldwin should please Firefly fans. Give it a try. Fun fact: Bill Paxton dies thus completing his classic sci fi death trilogy. That's death at the hands of a Terminator, an Alien and a Predator.
Return To Oz. This should have been awful but it ain't. Not to be confused with the actually awful Oz The Great and the Powerful, this one is extremely dark and sinister. Dorothy can't get Oz out of her head so, ya know, electro shock therapy should fix it, right? Anyway, she ends up back in Oz to find her mates have been turned to stone and the place has never been worse off. She sets out to right the wrongs and "restore balance" as it were. Beware the Wheelers. These creepy creatures will be too scary for your very little ones and will stay with some of your more sensitive older ones too. This is a good movie but, not unlike Psycho 2 above, no matter how hard it tries it just cannot outrun the shadow of its older sibling. Well worth a look. Fun fact: Walter Murch never directed another movie.
The French Connection 2. Gene Hackman is fucking superb in this movie where he once again plays Popeye Doyle and pursues Franco Rey to France in order to carry out justice. He inevitably gets kidnapped and turned into the thing he hates the most. A drug addict. His performance is jaw dropping. The movie is a fair bit darker than the first but if all sequels were this good the movie world would be a much better place. See it! Fun fact: The French Connection 2 is the first sequel to ditch the word "part" from its title.
That's a little taste of some decent sequels out there. There are some huge franchises with sequels of varying quality. Indiana Jones, Lethal Weapon, Die hard, Mission Impossible to name but a few. Some of these sequels are outstanding movies. I mean, the Last Crusade is, for me, the best Indy movie. Mission Impossible 4 is the best in that franchise, well worth your time. Don't be put off by the presence of the number 2 (or higher) if you're curious about a movie, get the popcorn on and rip into it.
This blog is put together purely for my own self indulgance. It will
also serve to help me vent. If you take the time to read these blogs I
can only thank you and hope you’ll return to read more. If you enjoy the
geeky side of life you will have much in common with me. But beware,
for this is HALF MAN HALF GEEK. So while I have been known to sit
through the entire Lord of the Rings Extended Editions and had a hell of
a time doing it, it should be noted that I have no time for comic books
and haven’t watched an episode of Dr. Who since the early 80′s. My mind
understands the difference between 1080i and 1080p but my eyes see no
difference. I enjoy Halloween and everything to do with it but I don’t
enjoy cosplay. I find it odd. I also enjoy sports and am looking forward
to the rugby today. Anything else you need to know about me you will
find out in due course.
So what can you expect to find here? I’m not entirely sure. I just
want to talk about things I enjoy. So there will undoutedly be talk of
movies, music, games and telvision. But there will hopefully be
relatable life stories. I’m going to be a Dad soon so I’m guessing
that’ll pop up. My wife has already sourced me an amazing babygrow with
the words “I listen to Iron Maiden with my Daddy” on it, so the poor
little chap is already on the rock n’ roll path. But I will try to keep
baby talk to a minimum. I know how I feel when someone I’ve just met
starts blathering on about their litter. Times like that my mind tends
to wander. I end up nodding approvingly but in my mind I’m enjoying
Quint’s Indianapolis speech or hearing the tune Sacrifice from season 5
of Buffy.
One thing I do want to chat about is how whiney some geeks can be.
I’ve been guilty of this myself but clarification is required. There was
a time when geeks were people who, like me, spent many hours in front
of their NES or Sega Master System (Alex > Mario) which then became
the SNES or Mega Drive. Unlike me, they read comics and drew pictures of
their favourite characters. They went a bit deeper than me which is
fine. I played guitar for hours on end, everyone has a “thing”. But the
moment Joss Whedon pulled off the miracle, made a wonderful movie and
avoided the clusterfuck that The Avengers was going to be… geeks went
mainstream. They won! You can’t go five minutes without hearing about
the next blockbuster movie made for everyone on the back of the geeks.
Transformers 4 made another billion dollars recently. All the Marvel
movies are raking in the cash. You can’t go three poxy channels on the
telly without seeing a show made for geeks. Yet the very thing that made
geeks more relatable to me than normal folks, that is their deep love
of movies and such, is the very thing that is making me back away slowly
from some of them.
Let’s use the barrage of comic book movies as an example. Because
(some/not all) geeks care so fucking much about these things they feel
they have the right to tell everyone else how to feel about them too.
They have more knowledge so they are “right”. Man of Steel was, to some,
the worst thing to ever happen to the world and everyone involved with
said movie should be banished to the phantom zone. I’ve never read a
Superman comic but have seen all the other movies (though I can’t
remember anything of Quest For Peace) so I went in hoping for a fun
adventure for me to sink my teeth into. And I really enjoyed it. I
walked out smiling and looking forward to the Blu Ray (which is gorgeous
btw).
I was not prepared for the geek rage. I mean, I love reading it and
still do, it’s endlessly funny but I digress. “How many people died in
those buildings?” They raged. I dunno… a lot I guess. “Why didn’t
Superman take the fight to a remote area?” He tried but that pesky Zod
just kinda does what he wants… “Superman shouldn’t ever murder anyone.”
Why not? I mean, appealing to Zod’s better nature really wan’t getting
it done. “But in the comics and the older movies all he does is save
people, he’s not a killer.” And here my friends is where you have to at
least try to let it go. Those old movies and comics are still there for
you to enjoy. They did something new with Superman and you have every
right to despise this movie but as my good friend Simon “Republic of
Cinema” Fitzgerald says: “don’t fucking tell me I’m wrong for liking
it”. I think we should apply that to everything in the realm of
entertainment.
Right, I’m off to complete the excellent Resident Evil Remake. More on this in the next blog.
Cheers,
G.
I came down the stairs on Christmas morning to a shiny new PS4
under the tree. Colour me happy! My wife had spoiled me again and not
only that, she had purchased Shadow of Mordor and Alien Isolation for my
gaming pleasure. My PSN name is phantasmphorever should you wish to add
me.
Backstory: When Sony launched the original Playstation back in the
mid 90′s the game changed. I picked my Playstation up on Euro launch day
in September 1995 with Battle Arena Toshinden and Wipeout to test out
my new machine. I was stunned by what I was seeing on our modest 26 inch
television. I don’t think the emergence of one generation from
the previous one has ever been as visually impactful.
I had cut me teeth on the Master System. Alex Kidd was played by all
and sundry in my house. Choplifter, Transbot and the atrocious World
Soccer all got regular play time too. My buddy Phil had an Amiga where
Kick Off and Stunt Car Racer were played to death. After that we got
a Mega Drive in our house with Street Fighter 2 and Sensible
Soccer marathons a regular occurrence. Going to school on two hours
sleep was fairly normal for me. I loved gaming and still do!
The main reason games consoles suddenly became must have items in the
household was the aforementioned huge leap in graphics. People from all
walks of life liked what they saw in arcades but didn’t like the idea
of spending a lot of time in one. Now they didn’t have to. They could
buy a Playstation and boom, the pleasure of arcade gaming without the,
let’s face it, shitty atmosphere of an actual arcade. Sony went from
strength to strength and on the back of major releases like Tomb Raider,
Tekken, Resident Evil and Final Fantasy VII they brought gaming to the
mainstream.
Fast forward to now and what I’m loving more than anything is how the
geekiest parts of gaming have become so accepted in the realm of
entertainment. Skyrim, for example, had people of all backgrounds going
on about “arrows to the knee”. This Tolkienesque universe became a
second home to many who wouldn’t know a hobbit from a handbag and it is
to the game’s credit that it is so inclusive. It even supports gay
marriage. A fucking video game is more forward thinking than half the
people who live in my country!!
And so on Chrstmas Day 2014 I set up my PS4. The fact that Lizard
Squad had apparently hacked the PSN did not impact on me as I despise
online gaming. Shadow of Mordor was thrown into the console. It’s
basically Shadow of Arkham or Batman of Mordor and it is an absolute
hoot! There is an amazing “nemesis system” where the orc that kills you
levels up and advances in Sauron’s army. This is instantly infuriating
but oh so satisfying when you take him down with a revenge kill. As the
game progresses you gain more powers and perks making things easier. The
story rips along at a fair old pace with appearnces from Gollum and
Sauron to keep you interested. Like all six of Peter Jackson’s movies,
Tolkien purists will hate it, Tolkien whores (like me) will chew it up.
Trophy count: 84%
Next up: Alien Isolation. Not much to say here. Brilliant!
Terrifying! Never playing it again! I died a lot but at no point did I
feel cheated. This one will please both franchise fans and purists
alike. Trophy count: 62%
Now we come full circle. Last month I downloaded the Resident Evil
Remake to my PS4. Embarrassing Graham fact #890: It took me 41 hours to
complete “Resi” when I first played it back in 1996. The problem was I’d
never played anything like it before and I was mesmerized. I really
struggled with the giant snake and I also found many of the puzzles
challenging. As I said, I’d never really played anything like this
before and I was (and remain) a bit of a rubbish, if enthusiastic,
gamer… So there I was last month ripping through the mansion I’d loved
and been terrified by in 1996. This time however, I was ready for it and
I was able to really enjoy it. One thing I missed from my
original playthrough (because I was wide eyed and terrified) was the
genius of the design, the joy of unlocking the next section of the game
and the fun of working out which weapon is best suited for each enemy.
Hunters (the bane of my original playthrough) were disposed of with ease
this time thanks to my Magnum and Grenade Launcher. The snake fell
victim to the same combo. Spiders were expertly handled with a few
shotgun blasts and I finished it in 15 hours. Now this is still quite
slow but I was savouring every second this time round. I really took my
time with it and it made the climax all the better… if you get me. If
you’re a fan of the original game and missed this release on the
Gamecube, you really could do a lot worse. Trophy count: 34% after Jill
playthrough.
Finally, having disposed of the mansion and all of its critters I
went back to the RPG well. I played Dragon Age Origins on the PS3 and I
wanted something sunstantial. Fuck me did I get it!! Dragon Age
Inquisition is fucking HUGE!!! Last Sunday after five days of traveling,
funeraling and looking after my under the weather wife I started
playing this beast and I can honestly say there is a very strong
chance I will turn 40 before I complete it (I’m 39 in April) Value for
money I suppose.
Cheers,
G.
The news that Jon Stewart has decided to quit The Daily Show is a
devastating blow to common sense media. The blatant racism and misogyny
coming from the Republican Party has given him a lot of material over
the years. The Democrats go to stance of “please don’t hurt me” has
also been entertaining. But the full on stupidity of the Republicans has
made his job, dare I say it, too easy. Given Jon’s obvious intelligence
I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume he may have become bored by the
ease of the job. Roll clip of Ted Cruz, John McCain, Sarah Palin or Mike
Huckabee. And let’s not forget Fox News legends Glen Beck and Sean
Hannity. Apply common sense to basically anything these people say and
you’ve got yourself a comedy show… rince repeat… FOX News has been very
kind to him. The complete lack of fact checking by these crazy-assed
bigots has given him so much gold that I’m surprised Smaug hasn’t
attacked The Daily Show offices by now.
Stewart hinted at being “slightly restless” when he told a stunned
Daily Show audience of his decision to leave later this year. His close
friend Steven Colbert recently ended the Colbert Report having been
chosen to replace Letterman. This is another huge loss to forward
thinking people and the Daily Show/Colbert Report double act breaking up
was always going to be hard on Stewart.
He recently directed the movie Rosewater and did a pretty good
job. He certainly proved he’s good enough to have a career as a
director. While he was filming, one of his “correspondants” Jon Oliver
took the reigns. To say Oliver did a good job is a massive
understatement and predictably, he moved on to his own show over on HBO
basically doing the same thing as The Daily Show and to some, doing it
better. I’m still on the fence about that.
Jon has been a Daily Show man now for 17 years. I only started
watching in 2006. Have there been mistakes? Yes. A few minor ones not
worth mentioning and one huge one: The Rally to Restore Sanity. It was a
success regarding turnout and it was certainly well intentioned but it
didn’t change a thing. If anything things are more insane than ever and
while I’m sure he wouldn’t have meant it, this rally served only to
polarize people further.
One of Jon’s biggest critics for the rally was Bill Maher of Real
Time with Bill Maher fame. He and Jon are friends and share many of the
same beliefs. Like Jon, he’s also hugely intelligent but unlike Jon,
Maher knows there are far too many people on the right who are too far
gone to ever get anything resembling sanity back and fighting for the
liberal principles you believe in, is a far more effective use of one’s
time. Actually just watch it here, it’s great:
So we still have Real Time to keep us going but also on HBO is Last
Week Tonight with John Oliver. It has been a genuinely fantastic piece
of television and Oliver is becoming the next Jon Stewart with each
passing episode. It’s a pity he left The Daily Show last year as, being
the funniest of the “correspondants”, he would have been the obvious
replacement for Stewart. But this opens up another opportunity for
Comedy Central. Since Oliver’s departure, Jessica Williams has been the
funniest of the chosen few who get their own segments on The Daily Show
for a while now. Jordan Klepper has been hit and miss. Samantha Bee and
Jason Jones are always great but I think they are perfect where they
are. Jessica Williams is a young, black woman with a lot going for her.
She’s obviously hilarious and every bit as smart as anyone else involved
with the show. She’d be my choice. It’s too fucking perfect. The sight
of her laying into FOX News or taking on the Tea Party would surely be
must see television!
One thing is for sure though, whomever Comedy Central settle on has a
huge chance and a fuck load to live up to. I’ll be watching with
interest.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, head wrapped in a facehugger…
on LV-426 you’ll know that Neill Blomkamp’s Alien movie has been
greenlit by Fox. The level of impact Ridley Scott’s original has had
on popular culture cannot be underestimated. It influenced every single
sci fi movie that came after it and has spawned a slew of movies of
varying quality. Countless video games have been made and, oh yeah, it
also launched the career of one of the finest performers out
there, Sigourney Weaver! I won’t bother mentioning the rest of the cast,
you know and love them too.
Let’s take stock of what we know. Blomkamp has been fanboying over
the idea of a direct sequel to James Cameron’s magnificent and probably
best movie, Aliens. We’ve all seen the artwork and at the time, I
thought (and still do) that the artwork looked cool but was ultimately
fan fiction. It was enough to make the internet explode and then came
the genius move from Blomkamp letting us know he’d had Alien discussions
with Sigourney Weaver on the set of Chappie. He then went on to say
“Fox would make it”, it was more about him wanting to put together the
right story. Most recently he has claimed that he is “not trying to
undo parts 3 and 4″ he just wants to make a movie that’s connected to
the first two movies. The language there is interesting “not trying
to undo”. Nothing definite there but honestly, there’s simply no way
to make a sequel to Aliens without undoing parts 3 and 4. The rumour
mill has been working overtime with talk of parts 3 and 4 being
explained away as dream sequences… Bobby Ewing style. I truly hope this
isn’t the case.
Is there precedent to just pretending a large portion of a franchise
never happened? Yes there is. Halloween H:20 disregards Halloweens 4, 5
and 6. Now this pissed off the 12 or 13 people who love these movies. Sidebar…
yes I enjoy them but not so much that I give a shit about time lines
and crazy assed stories of Michael Myers being a druid demon or some
shite. Seriously, someone explain Halloween 6 to me End Sidebar…
But everyone else was indifferent to it and as it happened Halloween
H:20 turned out to be a decent bit of fun. With something as big and
celebrated as Alien though, sweeping what some consider to be the the
dirt under the carpet just seems like cheating. These movies exist and
have a fan base. And they always will. Fox have packaged box set after
box set (bastards reeled me in three times now, see below pics) over the
past 20 odd years proudly including Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection as
peers to the first two movies. There’s history there and cutting out
some of that history (if that is indeed what is going to happen) just
seems wrong.
Weaver wanted to die in Alien 3 and never return but the movie just
didn’t sit right with her so she was coerced into making Resurrection
because A. the money was fantastc and B. she fucking loved Joss Whedon’s
script. Like 3, the movie turns out to be a mixed bag. How do we bring
Ripley back? We have a bunch of scientists clone her (excellent idea) on
behalf of some dodgy millitary types (meh). We extract a queen alien
from Ripley which eventually lays eggs. An early draft of the Firefly
crew kidnap twelve human hosts for the facehuggers to have their way
with and we put everyone “outside regulated space” on a huge ship. Of
course the aliens are born, they grow and quickly escape from their
holding cells. They’re crafty. Ripley meanwhile is part alien and she’s
out for herself… mostly (ahem). When our heroes and villains are
established and the aliens (who’ve never looked better btw) start
attacking, the movie works quite well. The high point is an under water
action sequence that’s up there with the best in the franchise. B movie
legend Ron Pearlman as badass, Johnner is another massive plus. But then
the whole thing takes a turn for the weird and the pointless. Ripley
ends up snuggling aliens in their nest. Then the cloned queen (remember
her?) gives birth like a human to a “Newborn”. The creature is hungry
for blood but thinks Ripley is its mother which I suppose she is… Ripley
kills the creature, crashes the military ship, killing all the aliens
while a few survivors make it safely to earth. For all that the ending
flops when it should fly. “I’m a stranger here myself” should have been a
line that stayed with you but the final act is so preposterous, you
just don’t give a fuck. Resurrection tried to do something fun with
something that didn’t need fun. It needed rescuing. Alien 3 put it in
the penalty box. Resurrection kept it there. Jean Pierre Jeunet says (on
the box set extras) that he’s happy with the movie. Joss Whedon has
called it a shitty movie and blames the casting.
Despite massive flaws I quite enjoyed part 3 and I will say this
about Resurrection: I bought my ticket, sat in my seat and had an
absolute blast and so did everyone else in that full house back in 1997.
I can still remember the adds on the tv: “Witness the resurrection” and
it was a buzz going to see an Alien movie on the big screen.
Alien 3 cost a cool $50 million making $159 million and the equally
reviled Resurrection cost $75 million taking in $161 million. Neither
are huge amounts of profit but, with the advent of CGI, movies like this
are getting cheaper to produce and if you can get the same amount of
people out to see them, you’ve got a nice little cash cow. Hence the
awful AvP movies. They were made for weirdo fans who obsess over which
is the better creature (who gives a shit?) with no regard for story.
This one is on the fans. They asked for it and they got what they
deserved. Garbage! Neill Blomkamp’s Alien will also be a fan service
movie and that is worthy of concern. My hope is that Blomkamp makes a
great movie for fans of all the movies. That’s a big ask. Maybe too big.
Here’s a nice parallel to finish on. It seems like this movie has
been green lit on the back of Neill Blomkamp’s excellent artwork. Back in
1978 Fox had decided what the budget would be for Alien. Ridley Scott
storyboarded the whole thing and on seeing this amazing artwork Fox
doubled the budget.
UPDATE: The movie has been shelved. Gotta say, I'm mostly relieved... mostly.
Monday was a shit day for me. Actually the week preceeding it
was pretty awful too. Sometimes life just kicks you in the balls and
seems to take a lot of pleasure out of doing it. Kudos life. Colour me
soundly beaten. But the wheel never stops turning and in these moments
we seek distraction. For me that usually involves a trip to the cinema
or a marathon with whatever game is in the console. This time, however, a
surprising conversation with my wife about her Grandfather’s obsession
with Wild West gun fighter, Johnny Ringo led to a nice bit of
distraction.
Aside from her Grandfather’s obsession, Kerry didn’t know anything
about Johnny Ringo which put me in the rare position of being in
possession of knowledge Kerry had never acquired. Quite the occasion
indeed! Johnny Ringo was a leader in the notorious wild west gang, The
Cowboys. He blazed a fair trail of destruction in his 32 years on the
planet and was known for being extremely fast on the draw. The Cowboys
are probably best known for their feud with Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday.
One would have assumed both Earp and Holliday would be more worthy of
obsession, but Kerry’s Grandfather was a Ringo man and that was that!
When a discussion like this takes place, the obvious thing to do (in
my house at least) is to watch a movie featuring all the characters
involved. There’s no shortage of choices on this subject, the two most
obvious ones being Kevin Costner’s misifre (ahem) Wyatt Earp or the
superior Tombstone.
Tombstone is not a classic movie. It is, however, a rock solid piece
of entertainment. Johnny Ringo is played to gloriously hammy effect by
Michael Biehn. He plays Ringo as an educated phsychopath with ridiculous
gun hand skills. There’s a menace to Ringo, he doesn’t seem to care if
he lives or dies and does not back down from anyone. The movie
mainly follows the fortunes of Wyatt, Virgil and Morgan Earp. Doc
Holliday’s friendship with the Earps, particularly Wyatt is also
well documented here. It is central to the story and is never anything
less than adorable. Wyatt Earp is played by Kurt Russell who is on
excellent form. There’s a strength to the performance that is absolutely
essential to the success of the movie but there’s a pragmatism about
him that makes him just that bit more relatable too. His two brothers
Virgil and Morgan are ably played by Sam Elliot and Bill Paxton
respectively but it is Val Kilmer’s Doc Holliday who steals the whole
fucking show.
Kilmer plays Holliday as a charismatic gambler/gun fighter who, like
Ringo, is highly educated and extremely fast on the draw. He also has a
way with words. Who ever thought the phrase “I’m your huckleberry” would
be so quotable? Those of you who have seen the movie just said that
line in your head in his voice. The Holliday/Ringo scenes are absolutely
rivetting. There’s just an immediate dislike among the two men with
Ringo feeling like he has to prove something to himself and everyone
else while Holliday is secure enough in his own abilities to make a joke
out of the whole thing or straight up threaten Ringo as he sees fit…
talk about confidence.
The movie rips along at a fair old pace and places heroes and
villains in direct contact in several tension building scenarios. Things
come to a fever pitch when the Earps and Doc Holliday square off
against several key members of The Cowboys in the famous gunfight at the
OK Coral. Now, you all know about this legendary fight as there have
been movies, books and even songs written about it. In this movie it is
used as a massive plot point. What you probably don’t know though is
according to reports on the incident, the event took place pretty much
how it happened in this movie. Holliday is of course the joker in the
pack, taunting one of The Cowboys (a very young Thomas hayden Church)
into firing first and as the bullets start flying he remains the calmest
man in the fight. There is a point when one of The Cowboys seems to
have Holliday’s number. Doc’s apparently out of bullets and trapped.
“Now I have you” rasps the Cowboy. Holliday responds, “you’re a daisy if
ya do” before shooting him in the chest with his last bullet and at the
same time Morgan Earp shoots the unfortunate chap in the head. This
seems like something that could only happen in the movies but, again,
there are reports that Holliday had that verbal spat before he and
Morgan Earp put bullets in the Cowboy. Wyatt Earp’s “get in the fight or
get out of here” to hapless Cowboy Ike Clanton is also documented. The
lead up to the OK Coral, the four men walking side by side (pictured
above) has a quiet coolness about it. The scene itself is explosive and
is a real treat for western buffs. There are, however, other less
celebrated scenes that are equally entertaining in their way.
Like Wyatt Earp dealing with troublesome patron, Johnny Tyler, in a
nice gambling establishment. Tyler has basically scared all the decent
folk away and Earp needs to start making money. So he goes in to check
out the bully. After a quick verbal exchange Earp slaps Tyler in the
face, “are you gonna do something or just stand there and bleed?”, he
sneers. He’s actually going easy on the guy. Then you realize that
Johnny Tyler is played perfectly by Billy Bob Thornton.
Then there’s the obligatory St. Crispin’s Day Speech, except in this
movie it is the actual speech delivered by Billy Zane in front of The
Cowboys in the local theatre. You’re fairly certain that they’re going
to kill the poor lad but, guess what? It’s Shakespear and his writing
reaches everyone. The Cowboys love it and it is genuinely funny watching
them cheer on a, let’s say, tender Billy Zane.
The movie ends on a fairly cheesy note which again seems like
something that could only happen in the movies but turns out to be true.
The scene is preceeded by more brilliance from Kilmer though so it’s
all forgivable and I was left wondering what it would’ve been like to be
in a room with Doc Holliday and Johnny Ringo trading insults with Wyatt
fucking Earp looking on (see above pic). It’s the stuff of absolute
legend… except it happened! Fact is though, even if I had a Delorean, I
wouldn’t go back and check it out. I’d be too frightened. My tenderfoot
ass wouldn’t last five seconds among these folk. Movies, even imperfect
ones, are the best form of distraction which is why I adore them.
Geek has been saying far too much recently. I’m a Dad now so it’s time to man up. What kind of world is the lad coming into?
It’s not great at the moment truth be told. At its worst ISIS have
taken to throwing gay men from the top of buildings for the crime of
being themselves. More worrying is the amount of people who flood the
streets of Syria to observe this as if it were entertainment. We here in
Ireland are quite rightly sickened by this level of depravity and it is
very easy to look down on these vermin but we must always look to
ourselves first. Okay, we’ve cleared the ISIS bar. Great, well done us.
My concern is this: As it stands, if my son is gay, grows upand falls in
love with a man he will not be able to marry that man. If I have
another child and they are straight, they will be able to get married.
How the fuck is that fair?
As May 22nd approaches, the referendum for same sex marriage looms
large. Right out of the gate let me say I am voting YES. This is an
equality issue and we need to send a message to bigots in this country.
Bigots, you see, are loud folk and their bloviations can quickly become
lasting, storm force attacks on common sense. Some of them get so riled
up that they, rather hilariously, end up saying the exact opposite of
what they wanted to say:
There are others who will vote no and will want to distance
themselves from the lunatic ramblings of the chap above. Some of them
will even say it’s a cheap shot using this man as the voice of the No
campaign. Here’s the thing, I’ve not heard one common sense argument
from the no side that made me stop or even hesitate for a second and
think maybe I’m making a mistake. Not once! All I’ve heard is hatred,
misogyny, ill informed opinions, lies, assumptions, conclusions drawn
from fear, straight up craziness and a tragic lack of understanding that
I can only assume comes from an archaic education system crippled under
the weight of Catholicism. For the record, our little guy will be going
to an Educate Together school. There won’t be any christening
either. We will not be forcing a religion on the lad. If he wants to
enter into it when he’s older that will be his choice and his alone.
I mentioned the crazy agruments against Same Sex Marriage before
without getting into specifics. I give you No vote advocate Bishop Kevin
Doran: http://www.irishtimes.com/news/social-affairs/religion-and-beliefs/bishop-opposed-to-same-sex-marriage-struggled-with-sexuality-1.2132250
Staggering, isn’t it. But should we really be surprised? Maybe someone
should remind the chap that according to his book, Jesus had two dads…
Joseph and God. That’s right priests, let that shit sink in!
But back to our “no vote” friends. “Family values” is a phrase that
gets bandied about usually by religious types. These people love
a soundbite. They’ll frequently launch into a chorus of ”marriage is
between a man and a woman” and they are constantly trying to claim
marriage as a religious institution. It isn’t. Holy matrimony is a
religious term. Marriage by its very definition is entirely different.
Here’s the google definition for you internet kids: “the legally or
formally recognized union of a man and a woman (or, in some
jurisdictions, two people of the same sex) as partners in a
relationship.” No mention of religion, nor should there be. This isn’t a
snipe at religious people. Carry on, be religious but you don’t own
marriage! For the record I enjoy the privilige of being married to an
amazing woman. We did it in a registry office because we’re not
religious. Gay people should be afforded this basic human right.
I should add that there are many people of faith out there who will
be voting yes. Most of these people are private about their faith and I
have nothing but respect for them. I am less private about my belief
system. People think I’m an athiest because I despise all forms of
organized religion but I’m not. I have no idea what’s out there and if
there is anything out there I doubt I’ll ever understand it. That’s
where I stand. I believe in what I can observe. I believe in what I can
prove and most importantly I believe we have to treat each other with
respect. Equality is an obvious part of that.
Some people believe that two people of the same sex getting married
will somehow be the end of the family in Ireland as we know it. I can
only hope! Too many families have been torn apart by alcoholism
and/or domestic violence in this country. This nation has many
shames, one of which is the drinking problem that we have allowed to
become acceptable and even normal! Women still face shocking levels of
inequality in this country. This ugliness presents itself in a number of
ways. They’re still paid less than men for the same work and the worst
example of all, domestic violence which continues to happen in front of
children. The idea that a child would be better off being raised by a
man and a woman in an abusive household as apposed to a gay couple in a
loving relationship is ludicrous. And if anyone thinks that there are no
children being raised by same sex couples in this country already, they
are deluded. While I’m on that subject, here’s a scenario for you:
Woman gets pregnant. She has a baby. She falls in love with another
woman. They have a civil union. They raise the child together. Let’s say
five years later the biological mother dies. In this scenario, her
partner would have no legal rights of guardianship and a grandparent
would have legal authority to take the child if they wanted to. In that
scenario a parent is being told thanks for your five years of service
but we’ll take it from here. This must not be allowed to happen anymore.
I am pleased that the Taoiseach has been strong on this issue. He
hasn’t got much right recently but credit where it’s due, he wants gays
to have the same rights as everybody else. Many other politicians have
been too scared to take a position and that is disappointing. Stop being
so gutless! Take a position. And if that position is No, try to
convince me that I’m wrong to vote Yes without claiming it will threaten
anyone elses marriage. Or lead to a sudden outbreak of incest. Or
threaten family values. I can assure you, straight folk will continue to
get married. I look forward to attending some of these weddings in the
future. They will continue to have children too. I can attest to that.
I shall let Colin Farrell have the last word. His brother is gay so he knows a bit about this:
Just to clarify I made that last one up. Requels are remakes in the guise of prequels… but we’re on to them.
I blame Dracula. Seriously, how many Dracula movies are there?
Apparently more than 200 movies feature the dark prince. The reasons for
this are Dracula is fucking cool, he has a huge fan base and most
importanly, he’s pure box office. That last one is the main reason
remakes have been around since forever. But what I really want to
discuss is, are any of them any good? My instinct is to say no but the
answer is most definitely yes! You just have to know where to look.
Sadly, it ain’t horror!
Here is where NOT to look: Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on
Elm Street, Black Christmas, The Omen, The Hills Have Eyes, House Of
Wax, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Fog, Psycho, Evil Dead, The Haunting,
Amityville Horror, Night Dawn and Day of the Dead, Carrie (both of
them). All bad remakes but they nearly all made money. You can’t blame
studios. Look at these numbers: http://www.boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=evildead2013.htm
terrible movie brings in $80m profit!!! The next big horror to get the
remake treatment is Poltergeist. I really can’t see myself heading out
to the cinema to see this and it’s not because I love the original movie
so much, it’s because the clip is fucking awful and we now live in a
world where The Conjuring is the haunted house daddy! Halloween is
heading for a “Re-Calibration” having already had a full on remake as
well as an attempted reimagining (H3) and a mid series reboot (H:20).
Will it be any good? Probably not. Are there any good horror remakes?
Why yes there are…
The best of them is John Carpenter’s The Thing which bombed back in
1982. Time has been good to the movie though and it is seen by many as a
classic piece of sci fi/horror allegory. Back in the early 80′s
communisim was still a thing (ahem) and AIDS was very much in the news.
The Thing works superbly as a commentary on both. Add to that some of
the very best special fx ever put to screen and thrilling performance
from Kurt Russell and you’ve got a wonderful remake. It all builds to
the now legendary blood test scene. Tension, horror, comedy all in equal
measure: TheThingcompleteBloodTestScene
A “Requel” was made 30 years later and it too bombed. I can’t imagine
time being as kind to this movie but I will admit to really enjoying it
and owning the blu ray… sue me. Fright Night is a decent remake but only
made a modest amount of money. The Ring was probably the most
successful remake with a €200m profit margin. Regardless of your
feelings on the movie (I quite enjoy it) that’s serious poke. Feel free
to remind me of more decent horror remakes… I have to move on.
Super heroes are also ripe for remakes/reboots etc. The lucrative
Spider-Man franchise was very recently rebooted after Sam
Raimi’s financially huge but thoroughly awful Spider-Man 3. Spidey has
been added to the Marvel cannon now so we can look forward to
yet another take on the character.
Superman also had a reboot or two. From black and white television to
the brilliant movie from 1978. The “wish we never made them” parts 3
and 4 from the 80′s (went back to televison in the 90′s) and came back
to the big screen in Superman Returns in the 00′s. It’s just a giant
sized blow jobby remake of the original movie so predictably it didn’t
make the box office required to continue. Back they went to the start
and brought us Man of Steel in 2013. Enough people liked that one to
greenlight next years Superman/Batman crossover, Dawn of Justice.
Speaking of Batman he also had a hilarious run of glorious campness
on televison before coming to the big screen in 1989. Three sequels
later, the third of which is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen,
they went back to the start. Batman began, he became The Dark Knight and
The Dark Knight rose. Oh boy did he rise. Huge numbers. Great movies!
Dawn of Justice, however, is already being panned by some ”fans” across
the world who A. didn’t like Man of Steel (I enjoyed it) or B. just want
to hate the movie. They’ve yet to see any footage of this new movie but
some of them already hate it… odd. Doesn’t matter, because in some
weird assed cinematic suicide pact each and every one of them will go
and see the movie just so they can bash it. The studio won’t care,
they’ll have the money. Personally I cannot wait for the Batfleck/Cav-El
show.
While we’re on the subject of the Bat, television is playing a role
in the remake realm with a “requel”. Gotham is an excellent show with
top notch production values and fun performances from a talented cast.
It’s drawing some hate in fanboy circles because it is taking
established characters and completely changing many of the back stories.
However, it’s gaining a lot of love from pretty much everyone else,
most of whom don’t care aboout previous versions of the story. Huge
numbers are watching every week and reviews are strong in all the right
places: 90% on Rotten Tomatoes and the ever harsh metacritic also being
kind: http://www.metacritic.com/tv/gotham Under the care of Bruno Heller, this one might run for a very long time.
I’m moving on from here but again, I encourage you to remind me of
the good and bad super hero remakes. Captain America anyone? Possibly
the biggest leap forward in quality from original to remake. Dredd is
another which benefited from a Re-Imagining!
While we’re on the subject of television, perhaps the most successful
remake of all, House of Cards, is killing it on Netflix. It’s a remake
of an old British television show which ran for one season. The new and
improved version featuring staggering performances from Kevin Spacey and
Robin Wright has evolved into its own entity and has been renewed for a
fourth season. If you haven’t tried it, you really should.
Pic N’ Mix of decent to good remakes: Scarface. King Kong. Godzilla
(the new one). Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. The Fly. The Departed. Casino
Royale. True Grit. War of the Worlds. These remakes are standout movies.
Scarface is one of those once in a generation movies. Pacino’s OTT
performance/accent is pure cinema. Kong was a huge risk but it’s a
superb movie. Godzilla’s latest remake was a success. Plenty of cras
bang wallop but crucially it made you root for the monster. Well
done! Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is comedy gold and reminds me what a
genius Steve Martin was (I miss him). The Fly has been remade several
times but it’s David Cronenberg’s version that stands out. It’s probably
his best movie. The Departed has such an amazing cast that it was
always going to be a win but when you get Mark Wahlberg stealing scene
after scene you’ve really achieved something. Casino Royale was a solid
actioner but the original was so bad that it couldn’t miss. True Grit is
an excellent western but it too benefits from a fairly preposterous
original. War of the Worlds is a brilliant effort from Spielberg. The
first two acts are amazing, the movie dies a little in the third act as
it runs out of gas and is plagued by a dreadful ending but over all it’s
a vast improvement over the 1950′s original.
The future will bring more remakes because, as previously shown, they
make money. There is a chance that some of these may be quite good, but
you will have to sift through the deluge to get to the good ones. The
one I’m most looking forward to is “It”. As you know, this enormous and
quite brilliant book by Stephen King was made into a tv movie back in
1990 and was quite effective at the time. However, it just does not hold
up and a remake is not only a coming it is essential for a story of
such brilliance. There will be at least two movies, there might be three
is what we’re being told and it will be directed by True Detective’s
Cary Fukunaga. Yeah, I’m fucking psyched for this one.
Mad Max seems to be doing it right but I’m not really bothered one
way or the other to be honest. Will Escape From New York finally get
remade? I hope not but if it does, I really hope they don’t make a
complete bollocks of it like they have done for every other John
Carpenter movie they’ve remade. A quick google search of remakes 2015
leads to a staggering amount of movies in various stages of production.
Some of the titles will make you angry. Try to be optimistic… I know
it’s hard.
Cheers,
G.
