Games Played and Enjoyed... Mostly

Been a while since I've blogged about crap that doesn't matter so here I go again. I managed to plough through some great games and one terrible one since Batman Arkham Knight. I'll start with a great one.

                                                         Uncharted 4: A Thief's End

You've probably played at least one Uncharted game before and assuming you have, you know exactly what to expect here. Tomb Raider-esque gameplay, gorgeous graphics, solid voice acting, clever (if delicate) puzzles and shooting... lots of shooting. Oh and Crash Bandicoot! Seriously, he's in there. I'll come back to that!

Mercifully not called Drake's 4tune, Uncharted 4 starts in a prison. Nathan Drake is there, more or less by choice scoping out a job. He's in there with his older brother and in usual Nathan Drake fashion, things turn to shit and the brother is shot and killed... It is here that I will leave the plot as I don't want to ruin anything for you.

Suffice to say, Uncharted 4 is probably the best looking video game I've ever seen. That shouldn't count for much but when something looks this dazzling, it deserves to be praised. Whether it's mountain vistas or deep in the catacombs, graphically Uncharted 4 is a triumph. It doesn't have the same level as isolation as something like Skyrim but then Uncharted has never been a free roaming adventure. It gives a sense of scale but keeps you very much on a trail. A distractingly beautiful trail but a trail nonetheless.

There is an option to play the game with stealth or go in guns blazing. You'll probably end up killing as many assholes as possible with stealth before being caught and going all Rambo on whomever remains. I found this the most satisfying way to play.

There's also a pretty serious attempt by the writers to add depth to the characters and while it is a bit heavy handed, it's a welcome addition. I have nothing but praise for Uncharted 4. If this is the end, it certainly satisfied me. If the smell of cash gets too much for Naught Dog, I'd be happy to jump on for Uncharted 5. If you own a PS4 and you like adventure games, this is an absolute must own!

Oooh I almost forgot, there's a wonderful scene early in the game where our charming hero turns on a PS1 and plays Crash Bandicoot...awesomely, you play on his behalf. It really is quite clever because as much fun as it is, it also confirms that games are much better now...
Score: 9/10 Trophy count: 21%

                                                                   DOOM

There was a definite fear factor involved when I loaded up the latest installment of DOOM. The old games, you see, are still wonderful. They look dated now but it matters not. Seeing a Doom creature or even a Doom key card immediately brings back memories. All of them good. The sounds of distant creatures, the aggression of the beasts not just against you but against each other. The genius of the level design and the simplicity of the premise: just shoot anything that moves. Doom may be the most beloved franchise in gaming history. Even the (unfairly) maligned Doom 3 has now got a sizable following. So yes, there was trepidation when I loaded up my new Doom. It lasted about 30 seconds...

Doom immediately has you killing and maiming creatures in all manner of industrious ways and honestly, the intensity of those old games is replicated and at times, even surpassed. Doom is a fucking delight. Again, the beauty is in the simplicity. If it moves, kill it. There are diversions and additions, power ups and even a "plot" but you didn't come here for any of that. You came here to kill monsters. Here's a random clip of the joys within:

If I had one gripe with Doom it'd be that some of the later bosses were extremely tough but that could just be me being a rubbish gamer and truth be told a little patience was all I needed to overcome those difficulties. Bottom line, if you like old Doom you'll like new Doom. One tip, turn all background music off (fucking awful death metal shite) it's way more atmospheric hearing the noises of creatures and victims in the distance.
Score 9/10 Trophy Count: 31%

                                                Duke Nukem 20th Anniversary

Following on from the state of the art brilliance of Doom 4 I picked up and chewed through Duke Nukem's brilliant 20th Anniversary re-release. So what do you get? You get four classic Duke games to blast your way through, all of the trade mark non pc Duke comments are present and correct. You also get a brand new fifth episode made by the original designers and a few other tech bells and whistles that mean nothing to me. The question is, does it hold up? The answer is a resounding yes!!! Like classic Doom, Duke Nukem will always be brilliant. Sure, it's dated but the level design is bliss and the shoot first ask later attitude is wonderfully satisfying. Duke is still a chauvinist, too old to change him now but he kicks alien ass like no other and while he is very much of his time, the new fifth episode will have you pining for a Duke game update in the same vein as Doom... here's hoping!
Score: 8/10 Trophy Count: 73%

                                                               Resident Evil 6

Where to start with this? They can't all be winners but if you were let down by RE5 you'll be positively beaten down by this entry. Resident Evil 6 is terrible. Really fucking awful. The graphics are fine and some of the weapons are fun but that's where the positive ends. I'm not sure if it's the stupidly over the top action sequences, the terrible dialogue (I know RE has always had terrible dialogue but where it used to be charming, now it's rage inducing) or maybe it's just that this whole enterprise just isn't in any way scary, creepy or interesting. It's really hard to know where to start. I don't know how they could have got it so spectacularly wrong. Is there any joy to be had in using so many classic characters? Eva, Chris, Leon to name but a few... the answer is a hard NO! They're all terrible.

Plot: There's a virus. It mutates people... then it mutates on top of the mutations until you just don't care. Anyway, your job is to kill the hordes of undead using different characters from the RE stable and watch as the game ties up all the different story threads... Fuck me it's a chore! I'm about 70% of the way through, I just don't know if I can see it through to the end. AVOID!!!!
Score: 3/10 Trophy Count:14%

                                                                       Outlast

If RE6 couldn't deliver anything resembling survival horror thrills, Outlast sure as fuck did. Again, the premise is simple: Go to creepy hospital, record your findings, try not to get killed by the horribleness within. Make no mistake, things will try to kill you in this hospital. Most of the attackers are human, there's a "Nemesis from RE3" type of character that's also best avoided and one or two other surprises but the best part of this game is that you don't have any weapons. You have a video camera. You take notes and you record, sometimes to be a journalist, sometimes to use the light supplied by the camera in the darkness.

                          
                           
Outlast is an effective shocker. It is similar to Alien Isolation (though not quite as good) and it doesn't overstay its welcome. I did it in about six hours, a good gamer could easily peel an hour or two off that but while you're playing you will be scared and fully immersed. I wouldn't be paying more than a tenner but it is certainly worth a dip at the right price!
Score: 8/10 Trophy Count: 24%
                                                               Final Fantasy VIISomeone told me a few months ago that FFVII was released on PS4... "whatever" was my response. Then they mentioned trophies.... I had to have them all. And down the rabbit hole I went. It's easy to forget what a cast-iron classic FFVII really is. A victim of it's success it became "cool" to mock it or say FFVI is waaaaay better. People like this should spend less time comparing and more time enjoying. But I digress, getting into FFVII is really, really, easy. The game lures you in with easy battles and an enjoyable story. Materia is still genius and a crucial part of the enjoyment of the game. Limit breaks are still wonderful. There is an option to play the game constantly with limit breaks, at 3 times the speed or without the interruption of random battles. All three of these options can be turned on and off with the touch of a button and you will use them at some point.

But ultimately it was the trophies that brought me back. In my previous playthroughs, I'd never beaten Ruby or Emerald weapon.

Ruby, I'd always found particularly galling insofar as, I'd spend literally hours going toe to toe and Ruby would just straight up cheat by disappearing one or two of my characters and leaving me alone. I learned to use this to my advantage this time around and armed with the proper materia and Knights of the Round I managed to defeat the big fucker! But I did need Knights of the Round and I did need it fully levelled up! And getting it is no easy task!

Knights of the Round is on an island that is only accessible via a Golden Chocobo. This is also something that I didn't bother with on my previous playthroughs but I wanted those trophies and thusly, I needed a Golden Chocobo. Thank frack for a guy on YouTube who showed me a way of doing it really quickly. I won't post here in case he doesn't want me to but if you want to know how, contact me and I'll hook you up.

There were other enjoyable things I did which I hadn't bothered with before. I defeated Emerald Weapon, I got everyone's final limit breaks and I got Don Corneo to pick me over the girls. I also went on a date with Barret which was hilarious and they were tough trophies to get! But I got them and I was most pleased.

One trophy that will boil your piss is the one named "Coming up all nines". This requires you to earn 99,999,999 gil. My initial feeling was that this was a pisstake and impossible! it isn't impossible but it does require grinding. You'll need 72 or so fully raised "All materias" and you'll need to sell them all. Sounds like a lot of work but with the game sped up and grinding in the northern crater where you'll mind magical pots and assuming you've got enough elixirs to throw at them (see below) it is doable in a few hours. There is a trick to getting 99 elixirs and instructions are readily available online...

Final Fantasy VII is just a great game to revisit. Sephiroth is still an amazing villain, the game still sucks you in and the score is just as stirring as it ever was. If you do go back in and want all the trophies, pay close attention to the online guides as it's easy to miss a couple of them. Save often and you should be fine.
Score: 10/10 Trophy Count: 100%

Next I'll be playing Rise of the Tomb Raider and after that I expect it'll be The Last Guardian (assuming they don't delay it for PlayStation 5). I'm sure I'll squeeze a couple more in before I come back. Happy gaming!

Cheers,

G.

Endings: Good Penny, Dreadful Wife.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS!!! If you have not seen The Good Wife's and/or Penny Dreadful's finalés but you intend to, do not read this!!!!!

Been catching up on my television stories lately and thusly I was a bit late to a couple of finalé parties. But as it happens being late to The Good Wife finalé and being right on time for the Penny Dreadful finalé (both series closers) gave me a chance to compare the two. But why would I do such a thing? They are both so different, right? Well, despite the fact that one show is set in modern day Chicago and the other in Victorian England, the lead characters share many similar traits.

1. The lead characters are women forced to carry near unbearable burdens.
2. They are both surrounded by a team of people who support their endeavours.
3. They are both immensely powerful.
4. They are both constantly under attack.
5. They are both creatively sneaky in a fight. Vanessa Ives (Penny Dreadful) will turn to evil to do God's work. Alicia Florrick (The Good Wife) will use her popularity to influence a jury...
6. The "love interests" are deeply flawed in each show.
7. They spend a lot of time trying to isolate themselves from people who might actually make them happy.

Other similarities? Eva Green and Julianna Margulies are both astounding actors. Green's casting as Vanessa Ives was pure genius. When just having a normal day she is utterly charming, we like her. When in fight mode she is required to dominate the screen and really sell a demonic side to an otherwise charming woman. There were times when her screen chewing antics literally took my fucking breath away.

Actually I should mention that above clip is from an episode spent nearly entirely in a cell, features three actors in the entire episode and it's astounding!

Margulies casting as Alicia Florrick was equally effective. When it was required or when cornered Alicia Florrick channelled some inner demons of her own and let fly. But she was always at her best when keeping her cool with a quiet dignity in the face of vicious adversity. This one was quality:



Both these women faced a never ending stream of shit, horrible odds and little comfort. But they faced it all nonetheless. And this is why we loved them. How they look didn't hurt either (yes I find them attractive, sue me). How they were written was, of course crucial. For the most part, The Good Wife absolutely nailed Alicia's arc. She starts out the victim, quickly turns things around and eventually goes on the offensive. Penny was also a victim but embraced the best and interestingly the worst of herself in order to fight and eventually overcome her obstacles.

And so to the finalés of these two stellar shows. First up: The Good Wife. Season 7 was doing it for me. It wasn't the strongest season but it was holding my interest nicely and I liked where it was going. I liked the new investigator, Jason Crouse who was Alicia's new love interest. So what are my issues?
Cary Agos (arguably Alicia's closest friend whether she'd admit it or not) left his job as the politics within the office began to wear him down. Cary is told he has to testify in the case against Peter and it really should have been a bigger deal. It was barely a footnote in the episode and he went out with a whimper. Pity. He deserved better than being wrapped up in a teaching gig or whatever the hell that was...

While on the stand Diane's husband, Kurt is accused having an affair with a former student of his. She's a gorgeous blonde gun enthusiast who does the same job as Kurt and is trying to buy his business. This is just a terrible development shoehorned into the finalé and I cannot understand why, especially since we never get to know whether the alleged affair actually took place or not. Alicia is responsible for bringing this to light. Not only is she responsible for this but she gets her friend Lucca Quinn to do her dirty work. Now, you're either the kind of person who's fine with this or you're the kind of person who is wondering where the fuck this side of Alicia came from because in one fell swoop she fucked over Lucca, humiliated Diane and may have destroyed a marriage and she did it for a man she's divorcing. A man who has caused her nothing but pain since the inception of this show. Jason Crouse was nowhere to be found at the end of the episode and you can't really blame him. Run Jason, you can do better.    

In closing, I'm okay with the idea that Alicia turns into the thing she hates. I think I would have enjoyed watching that show. But this is NOT that show and this finalé felt entirely out of place. Maybe if she'd gone to work for Louis Canning (a constant highlight in the show) and really sold her soul in an earlier season, this ending may have been more palatable, maybe.
And so to the slap. I know people were upset by the fact that the show ended on Diane slapping Alicia in the face. Honestly I was too baffled by the character developments to care. Alicia regains her poise and walks off into the corridor and we're right back where we started in the very first episode. Whatever about the viewers, the fucking show deserved better. Finalé score 3/10.

Penny Dreadful: Apparently the writers decided some time ago that Penny Dreadful would end in its third season. I found season 2 to be the strongest season. Perfectly paced, great acting and it looked absolutely gorgeous. But then this show has always looked gorgeous and while it changed flavour from time to time it never lost its tone. So while Ethan is gallivanting around the deserts of America trying to decide what he should do with his inner demon and indeed with his father, the flavour of the show is very different but the tone was always recognisable.

There were endings for all over this episode but I'll mainly focus on Vanessa for the purposes of the comparison with Alicia.

The finalé found our heroes going up against Dracula. Having already dealt with Lucifer in the previous season, Dracula was the big bad in this one. This may seem like they've done things backwards but the show had established Lucifer as a spent force and Dracula as a far greater threat. Vanessa, as ever, runs straight at the danger... and succumbs to it. She surrenders to the charms of the dark prince and with these two now in league, the world is plunged into the darkness of an insidious, poisonous fog. Hurrah! Our heroes return to rescue Vanessa and save the world... at least, that is the plan. Dracula sends his minions to deal with them but Ethan and co are old hands at this demon slaying. They also have a new recruit, Cat, who is basically Buffy, but hotter. Dracula is worried. There's a wonderful moment where Vanessa places her hand on Dracula's shoulder asking him what is troubling him (see pic above). He reaches out to hold onto her hand. Before they touch, Vanessa pulls away from him. She is powerful beyond Dracula, beyond all evil and she knows it. The question is, will she end it all or sacrifice herself to save the world, we already know the answer. We know the answer because the writers stay true to the show and the character. But we watch anyway, spellbound by these characters and this insanely beautiful looking show.

It all ends with Ethan and Vanessa holding each other. Ethan kills her and almost immediately the darkness that engulfed the world lifts. She dies in his arms as we always knew she would. "Oh Ethan, I see our Lord"... She finally has peace. Ethan had wanted to do it the old fashioned way. Fight to the last breath and see if it's enough. It wouldn't have been. Vanessa has saved her friends and the world. The funeral is a very sad affair. They miss her, we miss her and television is a little poorer for the loss of this show. Finalé score: 8/10.

Penny Dreadful is not a perfect finalé. It feels ever so slightly rushed but it stays true to its main character. There's no WTF moments shoehorned in here, there's just confident writing and rock solid acting from an attractive and talented cast. By comparison, The Good Wife is nothing but WTF moments. I didn't even mention the "ghost" of Will Gardner telling Alicia to go forth and be happy. Not a great plot device as you are left wondering if Alicia is crazy... Perhaps an old letter from him or a simple memory would have been better. Seeing him there was just mental. They did this on Ally McBeal but, to be fair, she fucking was crazy.

Cheers,

G.





The Emperor's New Clothes (Avatar and Forrest Gump Editions)

There are movies that are universally adored with a seemingly endless stream of bouquets constantly being thrown from critics and fans alike. I'll have a different take on some of these...

                                                                      AVATAR
Right out of the gate let me say this: I fucking despise this movie. People have asked me if my hatred stems from my expectations which were, admittedly, sky high. There might be something in that but also, it's just awful. Let's look at the expectations and why I was hoping for a magical cinematic experience beyond anything I'd ever had before.

Avatar is a James Cameron movie so straight away, I was very interested. His back catalogue is hugely impressive. But it was also James Cameron doing Sci Fi again. James Cameron and Sci Fi is like fish n' chips. Just a fucking superb combo. Then the man himself started talking about Avatar. To say he bigged it up is an understatement. He was talking about changing cinema forever (you can argue that he has but it isn't for the better). He was talking about immersing you into a luscious alien world and letting this amazing story unfold around you. Whether or not you think he succeeded depends on how you feel about 3D. I didn't feel like I was immersed into anything but I was still on board as I was promised a powerful, emotional story...

Turns out the shitty 3D is the least of Avatar's problems. Here's the craic: Earth has exhausted all resources so a paraplegic jarhead is sent to the Na'vi (pictured above) planet of Pandora (no really) in his very own "avatar" (he takes the form of a Na'vi but maintains his own mind) to infiltrate and report back to his bosses the easiest way to rob Pandora of its main mineral, Unobtanium (no really). Predictably enough he becomes attached to the Na'vi and falls in love with one of them. He turns his back on his earth life and risks everything to defend the simple nature loving, god tree worshipping Na'vi from the big bad military.

I don't mind simple stories. I don't even mind blatantly ripping off other stories. It happens all the time. The main problem with Avatar is just how fucking annoying everyone in the movie is. The marines are utterly devoid of anything resembling a human characteristic and the Na'vi are so "wise and deep" that I actually ended up rooting for the bad guys. None of this is helped by the casting. Sam Worthington is a useless cunt. More charisma in a bin bag and he cannot act. Zoe Saldana is gorgeous but as a Na'vi I'm afraid her beauty is all but hidden and try as she might with the material, she cannot rescue this shit. The words "I see you" will induce rage. She fares a lot better as a green alien in some other movie you may have seen also featuring a sentient plant... Meanwhile Sigourney Weaver is shamelessly wasted, Michelle Rodriguez does her "I'd be a badass dude" thing and they are directed by a guy who seems much happier playing with his new toys than actually trying to relate to people.

Credit where it's due, the J-Cam can put together an action sequence. They are always perfectly edited and slick as a whistle. You can tell he has worked his ass off here! He pulls out all the stops, builds some new ones and pulls them out too. There is no question that the man put everything he has into this movie. The problem is the story is nowhere near strong enough to survive the technical onslaught and the technical side of the movie just isn't all that much fun. Remember this:

In particular, the way the gun gets caught between the bars. What a superb touch that is. It is smart and subtle. Avatar is neither of those things. In fact it is the exact opposite. For all the outstanding work done by the fx team, the movie is fucking dumb and insists on beating its pro nature message into your skull over and over and over again... We get it. Tree good, war bad.

Another annoyance is the constant jumping. There's so much of it and it's in there purely to show off. It's never sympathetic to the story. Not even the scene where our hero tames a dragon (or something) to prove his worth to the tribe. It's shoehorned in there and because there'd been so much jumping beforehand, it loses all of its potency.

Avatar has long been criticized as looking like a Pixar movie. Initially I felt this was harsh but looking at it again, it's a fair claim (See clip on the right). This isn't a slight against Pixar whose output is mostly excellent but it is another point of interest when deciding if this movie is all Cameron cracked it up to be. For all the technical prowess, there are times where you feel like you're watching a cartoon. Was this the intention? I doubt it.

Let's talk about the score. James Horner was a legend. When people talk about his amazing work Avatar seldom, if ever, comes up. The reason it doesn't is because it's a by the numbers, workmanlike approach and I really feel like the reason he didn't reach the emotional depths of something like Braveheart is because he couldn't relate to the story or any of the cardboard characters...

In closing, I'm a huge fan of James Cameron and he really does work very hard to entertain the audience. And all he has to do is point to the critical acclaim and the box office to shut the likes of me up. He made his movie and at that point it is up to us to decide if it lives or dies. We decided it should live. Boy does it live! 2.7 billion dollars later and Cameron has earned his "told you so" demeanour. Numbers like that exist because people go to see a movie multiple times. This is where I get confused. I get people going to see it once. But putting oneself through that multiple times? Baffling! Utterly baffling. Clearly I'm out of touch with the average movie goer...

So can a movie about a human who becomes an alien and turns on humans to help said aliens possibly be any good? Yeah, yeah it can.

                                                                Forrest Gump

Hate is a strong word, too strong for Gump. So I'll go with strongly dislike. Gump is a very well made movie on a technical level. As you'd expect from a Robert Zemeckis movie, there are some remarkable moments of special fx prowess, mostly involving Forrest being present at some important moment in history. This is where my positivity ends...

So what's the what: Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) suffers from a slight mental disability (if you're offended by my description please ask my bollocks). Sitting at a bus stop he picks up a feather and decides to tell complete strangers the story of his life... poor bastards. Anyway, bullied as a kid, because people are assholes, Forrest finds strength in his relationship with his mother (Sally Field) and his friendship with Jenny Curran (Robin Right) the love of his life. His ability to run (wow) gets him into college on a football scholarship. After college, Gump joins the army and ends up in Viet Nam where he meets Bubba who has the idea that when the war is over they should buy a fishing boat and hunt shrimp. Riveting stuff!

While in Nam, Bubba is killed during a nasty attack. Gump shows real courage here risking his life to save as many as he can... Lieutenant Dan (Gary Sinise) loses his legs in the attack but, thanks to Gump's flight of foot antics, survives the incident. Gump himself is injured and gets shot in the arse. While in recovery he discovers another extraordinary ability, he is superb at ping pong (wow). He flirts with celebrity, gets a medal of honour, plays ping pong and when asked to address an anti war rally in Washington he runs into his long lost friend Jenny (now a hippie) who is clearly happy to see, but just isn't that into, him.

Gump goes home and buys a boat as much for Bubba's memory as himself. He and lieutenant Dan head out to find shrimp. After a hurricane hits, they find that their boat is the only one still in tact. They make a killing, Dan invests the money into Apple and Gump is now rich. However, his mother is dying so he goes home to stay with her while she passes.

Jenny turns up to visit and Forrest proposes! Predictably enough she turns him down. However, she does give him a pity fuck... and then leaves him. Jenny, you see, is a cunt! So Gump gets up and decides to run across the country for a few years and this gains him further celebrity though I have no idea why.

Fast forward and Gump explains why he is sitting at the bus stop. Jenny has asked him to meet her there. She has seen him on television and now that he has garnered enough celebrity he is good enough to.... are you ready.... meet his son! This loathsome cunt has kept his son from him all this time. GEEBAG!!!! Gump in his innocence does the right thing and marries her. But Jenny has AIDS (they're too chickshit to say that in this fucking pox of a movie but it's AIDS) and dies shortly after they get married. Luckily the kid still has Forrest who you'd have to think will be a far better role model for him than Jenny ever was and the movie ends on a predictably cloying note featuring the feather we'd seen at the start of the movie which I guess represents Jenny's spirit or something, I dunno.

Now, you may have noticed an absence of that line... I didn't want to give it any air in this blog but it's impossible to write about this movie without bringing it up. "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get". It's very easy to hate this line (don't worry, I really do hate it) but I kind of admire its power. It has etched its way into popular culture where it will stay forever. Credit to the writers for coming up with it. I liken it to an awful pop song that can never be killed... Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up or James Blunt's You're Beautiful... you get the idea. Awful but not going anywhere... ever... which pretty much sums up how I feel about this debacle.

Half Man's Deepest Fear is a Jaws Remake

Pretty much everyone who knows me, knows that Jaws is my favourite movie. As such, I get asked a lot about a Jaws remake. How would I feel about it? Who would I cast? Would CGI bug me? Oftentimes they ask me this because they think it will set me off and occasionally, it does send me into a (usually wine fuelled) rant. As time goes by though I've accepted that at some point it may happen. Spielberg has said he'll never remake it which is encouraging but Universal own the rights so who knows? I mean the mighty King Kong has been remade a few times now and even if they don't just flat out remake Jaws they'll probably update it Jurassic World style. More and more movies are becoming less and less sacred so it may just be a matter of time. But truth be told, even with this wretched scenario as a backdrop I can talk Jaws all day so... let's.

                                                 How Would I Feel About A Remake?
Irritated but not surprised. I'd be more worried about further damage done to the legacy. The sequels have somewhat soiled the nest so a remake could be catastrophic. Why? Well, there are fundamental problems with a Jaws remake beyond scripts and actors. Two problems a remake would face is knowledge and over exposure. We know so much about sharks now. Shark Week and the BBC are responsible for some magnificent documentaries and every tourist who decides to get in a cage to see these majestic creatures up close and post it online, every time that happens the mystique is lessened. You see 41 years ago when Jaws hit the cinemas, we knew very little about great white sharks. There was one excellent book out called "Blue Meridian: The Search for the Great White Shark" but not everyone had read it. There were famous photos of people who had been attacked and survived, Rodney Fox and his 460 stitches (see below) was probably more known than Blue Meridian. And people just love the idea of a sea monster. The fact that these "monsters" existed was a bonus. Benchley's novel was a hit and the movie was the biggest movie of all time for a while there.

                                           

So let's just say the Jaws remake happens and Quint takes his rifle and shoots the shark as it swims past the boat. Hooper's line is "Quint don't waste your time" right? Well, actually, we now know that sharks (even large ones) are not immune to gun shot wounds and if by some miracle the fish had survived Quint's rifle, Brody's bullets later on would surely have finished it off. There's a line in Jaws 2 "sharks don't take things personally Mr. Brody" and again with all the knowledge we have about sharks now, how do you go about selling this shark coming back time and again to attack the Orca (Quint's boat). We're all shark savvy now, it wouldn't play well with younger audiences especially those of a "Shark Tale" disposition. The reason Jaws got away with it back then was because we just didn't know any better and the reason it gets away with it today is because the movie is so fucking wonderful at getting you fully invested in the characters and the story that you just forget that this just wouldn't happen... Would a remake get you so invested? Unlikely.

                                                                        Special FX
The giant turd Bruce the shark, named after Spielberg's lawyer, just didn't work anything like as well as it was meant to but as we all know by now this worked in the movie's favour. It forced the guys to come up with more inventive ideas to make you believe the shark was there and supported by John Williams pulsating and terrifying score this brought near unbearable levels of nerve shredding suspense. A remake in the current climate would have to include a CGI shark. A few years ago this would have bothered me but having seen the incredible work done by the FX team in charge of the whale in Ron Howard's underrated "In The Heart of the Sea" I'd have to say that a CGI shark would be fine. But then we get into the ease of the creation becoming a problem. Jaws worked in spite of itself. Everything on the shoot was hard. It pushed the crew to limits they never knew they had. I have no doubt that a remake of Jaws would become a shark heavy, attack fest. What we gained in character development in Jaws would, most likely, be lost in a sea of monster moments.

                                                               Who Would I Cast?
Uncastable!!! It's not that there aren't good actors out there who could do the a good job with these characters, it's just the chemistry produced by Scheider, Shaw and Dreyfuss in the second half of the movie is palpable. Shaw famously gave Dreyfuss a torrid time on set. Did this come across on screen? You fuckin' bet your ass it did...

Did that stop Dreyfuss from thinking Shaw was a god? No. Did that come across on screen? You fuckin' bet your ass it did...

By the way if you ever get a chance to watch "The Making of Jaws" take it. It's a completely absorbing documentary and Dreyfuss is a joy to listen to. I'd say he's dined out on Jaws almost every day since it hit cinemas, deservedly so too I'd have to say.

These days actors are a lot more precious. There's just no way this movie would be made in this way today. Could three guys find the same level of connection? Again, unlikely. Still, if it had to happen I'd go Kyle Chandler for Brody. For Hooper I'd go Joseph Gordon Levitt and for Quint I'd go Kurt Russell. 

I can't really see Russell giving JGL any shit on set as he's apparently a complete delight but he does rugged and tough very well. These three guys are all accomplished actors. Russell has starred in some of the very best movies we'll ever see and his range is unquestionable. He's probably more talented than Robert Shaw was but I just can't get past Shaw for Quint. That nails on a chalkboard introduction might be the coolest movie entrance of all time and his Indianapolis speech is the best five minutes of cinema I've ever witnessed. Quint is Shaw, Shaw is Quint. Listen, The Taking Of Pelham 123 (directed by Joseph Sargent who also directed the terrible Jaws: The Revenge) is a fine movie and Shaw is great in it but when I hear the name Robert Shaw, Quint dominates my thoughts. No matter who got this role, they'd be up against it. Russell would ease the pain though.


As for Joseph Gordon Levitt as Hooper. It really is harder to cast Hooper than you'd think. Hooper's main characteristics: he's cleverer than the other two. He's charming and he's funny. But crucially, he's tougher than Brody and Quint believed. "Bring another barrel, I'm coming around again" he screams as they attack the shark. Then there's the immortal line, "you got any better suggestions?" just before he goes down to face the shark in his cage. I don't think for one second that JGL could produce a performance as effective as Dreyfuss but if it's funny, charming with a gritty layer underneath I think he's the best we've got. The Liam Hemsworth's of the world are fucking miles away from being able to pull this off.


Oddly enough, as much as I love Brody and feel Scheider absolutely nailed the role, I'd be confident that Kyle Chandler's "ordinary family man in extraordinary situation" effort from Super 8 proves he could pull this off quite easily. I mean look at him, he may as well be wearing a "you're gonna need a bigger boat" t shirt. He's gruff, tough but loves his family. There really couldn't be  anyone else for Brody.

                                                        

                                                            
                                                            
                                                                   Writer, Director, Editor, DP
Just thinking about this is making my eye twitch with anger but for the purposes of this blog, I'll play. I'm going to try to balance between wishful thinking (which is odd for a project I hope never sees the light of day) and realistic...
Writing this would be a huge burden. Fans of the movie would know enough to not want to do it. But who knows, maybe Drew Goddard would take a pass at it. That'd be my go to guy. He wrote a fine script in Cloverfield which, as you know, is a monster movie with limited monster visuals (just like Jaws). With The Cabin in the Woods he showed he can do horror with a dose of cheeky humour and he can do tense and likable which he absolutely perfected with The Martian. Daredevil was also a dose of genre bending brilliance and showed real dynamism.
Director? My fear would be McG or some fucking upstart like him. McG has never made anything but garbage. Bryan Singer might feel protective enough to rescue a Jaws remake. Jaws is his favourite movie but I suspect he loves it too much and knows better than to take it on. JJ Abrams is just wishful thinking. That man has nothing to prove and would be too smart to go here. So who then? I really liked Godzilla and the fact that they didn't oversell the monster in that one. Gareth Edwards would probably be the best we could hope for. He and Goddard would be a decent team to throw together.
Editor? One of the things casual observers miss about Jaws is just how perfectly edited the picture is. The Academy didn't miss it though and rightly gave Verna Fields an Oscar for her astounding work. A simple example of her genius is the amazing scene where the shark basically eyeballs Brody right after he throws some chum out to sea...

You get maybe two seconds of shark on the original breach of water. It's plenty. Any more and you'd have seen too much and the effect would have been diminished. The simple cut of Brody walking back into the relative sanctuary of the boat to the next cut where we see Quint in the foreground as Brody walks in where he delivers cinemas greatest line... it's a fucking master class of timing and delivery by all concerned. Scheider is wonderful here, Fields (affectionately known on set as Mother Cutter) must have been on cloud nine putting this all together. There's a lot of talent out there that could do a decent job of editing. Michael Kahn would be ideal but I suspect he'd pass. He does work with Spielberg after all. Pietro Scalia would be solid enough.
As for Director of Photography, again I think we're struggling to find anyone to match the genius of Bill Butler. Much of Jaws is shot at water level (which is why I think it would be a stunning 3D IMAX experience) and Butler was basically inventing cameras to continue to shoot this way. He deserves as much credit as anyone for how terrifying the movie is. DP's are tough, my heart says Dean Cundey but my head says Jeff Cronenweth as he is the best in the business right now.
                                                                        Score
Obviously Williams would be the dream candidate but I suspect he'd be paid for the use of his theme and someone else would be hired to "update" it. Hans Zimmer, you'd have to think, would have too much love for film to do this. My choice would be Alan Silvestri but again he'd probably be above all this. Thomas Newman would be well able for it too. The thing is, the score has been done by Williams and no matter what brilliance is put into this movie it would be dominated by "that" theme. But then Newman has done a great job with the recent Bond movies. They also have classic themes and Newman's work, while excellent, is never intrusive.

So there it is. There's the blue print for some great white death. Some excellent names it must be said and if these people all came together to make an original creature feature, then I'd be first in line to buy a ticket. As previously stated, I believe this is only a matter of time. Jaws is a property that can make money. If a movie is made to target teenagers who have never seen Jaws, then there's huge potential for a big opening weekend and as much as I hate to say it, it may even entertain its audience. The rest of us would probably feel a little repulsed though. Look at the list of remakes from that era that have been awful... There's just no way a remake could reel us in (ahem) the way the original did. "But Graham, isn't there a chance it could be as good as the original?" No, not even a little chance.

Farewell and adieu,

G.

Arkham Evil

Time for another video game blog. It'll be short as I am only reviewing two games.

                                                               Resident Evil Zero
As you know, I'm a big fan of the Resident Evil series and in particular the first two games which, in my humble opinion, are right up there with Silent Hill 2 for survival horror perfection. When Resident Evil Zero came out back in 2002 (I think) I couldn't play it as I was a Playstation guy and it was a Gamecube exclusive. I'm still a Playstaion guy and so it was with some excitement that I learned about a remake coming to PS4. I knew very little about RE Zero but it was an immediate buy from the PS Store when it arrived.

As it turns out RE Zero is a prequel to the original game. I won't give away too much in the way of plot (not that it matters) but I will talk about how the game feels. Crucially, RE Zero has that classic resi feel. You start off using Rebecca on a zombie infested train and everything just feels right with the world. It's a new Resident Evil for you to explore... Then you bump into escaped convict Billy Coen and it becomes apparent that this will be a team game. You'll switch between both characters to progress and some puzzles will be suited to Billy, others to Rebecca. Nothing to worry about so far.

One criticism aimed at early Resident Evil games is the inventory system. You could carry some items and store the rest in a safe room. There were multiple safe rooms and storing your items in any Safe Room meant items would also be in all safe rooms. It wasn't ideal but compared to the system used in RE Zero, it's fucking miraculous! In RE Zero, Billy and Rebecca can carry 6 itmes each but once their inventory is full they can't carry anymore and there are no safe rooms to store your items which means you need to drop items and use the map to track items you've either left behind or completely forgotten about.

What I did was designate one room in each section to be my safe room. It means dropping items all over the place and often times you'd go to pick up one item and end up getting another but it was the only way to keep a reasonable handle on all the shit you pick up. It also means there is back tracking in this game and that is a pain in the arse! Okay, Resident Evil has always had an element of back tracking but safe rooms meant you could go to the nearest room to get your item. There's no such luxury here. Some sadists will say it's more realistic, well in a game featuring giant scorpions and all manner of "never gonna happen" scenarios, I found it eye twitchingly annoying.

And so to the good! As previously stated, RE Zero definitely has that unmistakable Resident Evil vibe to it. The close quarters battles with zombies, zombie dogs, hunters, giant spiders etc. There's some new creatures too, highlights include a giant man eating bat and some fast moving apes. Wesker, of course, turns up and those classic Resident Evil voice overs are as comfortingly terrible as ever!

The weapons are still a joy to use. Pumping creatures full of shotgun damage never gets old, using the magnum is still a treat, though it should be saved for tougher creatures. The grenade launcher also makes a welcome return. As ever, matching the right weapon to the right creature makes things a lot easier. Another addition are Molotov cocktails which are very effective against one particular creature made up of leeches (see above).

The puzzles are also classic Resident Evil type puzzles. They won't tax your brain too much but they do manage to be very satisfying when you solve them.

In closing, Resident Evil Zero has some truly excellent moments. There are thrills here to rival that of your favourite moments from Resident Evil 1 and 2. But, and it is a significant but, the inventory system is truly horrendous. Resident Evil is at its best when you're killing monsters and opening up new areas to explore. What you don't need is to be told to backtrack frickin' miles in order to pick up a grappling hook (which will take up two fucking spaces in your inventory) in order to proceed... it kills the flow, utterly. If they'd even used safe rooms it would have been better but leaving you to guess which items to bring with is just terrible. "Do I need these shotgun shells now, how about this key?" There's no way of knowing...  This should have been a 9/10 game. However, as much as I enjoyed it, I'm docking two points for the horrid inventory system: 7/10. Trophy count: 36%

                                                              Arkham Knight
When last I game blogged I mentioned I had just started Arkham Knight and while I was enjoying it, my progress was being hampered by my rubbish attempts to control the Batmobile. I'm pleased to say that I got pretty good with the Bat tank and actually came to enjoy blowing shit up and solving puzzles with it. Yes, there are some contrived sections of the game where the Batmobile is forced into use but you can also say that about all of Batman's many gadgets.

I can't really speak highly enough of this game. Graphically it is a triumph, voice overs are absolutely first rate and the story lines are enjoyable too. Batman faces all of his demons here, some living: Scarecrow, the Arkham Knight, Firefly, Two Face, Penguin, to name but a few. Some dead. All of them in his head. It is a pleasure unravelling each story to conclusion and throwing Gotham scum into GCPD jail cells.

Game play wise, if you liked the previous games in the series, you'll enjoy this too. Beating the shit out of hordes of Gotham gangs is handy enough (as it should be) but the game expects you to use all of the Bat's tools in order to solve the puzzles. The toughest of these puzzles are, as you'd expect, put together by The Riddler. He has kidnapped Catwoman and you must negotiate some truly gravity defying driving tests and should the mood take you, there are 243 riddles across Gotham for you to solve... this is the only way to get to The Riddler. I did it and while it was a pain in the brain, the pay off was well worth it.

Having completed Arkham Knight (100% no less), I'm messing around with some DLC now. Season of Infamy was decent without being amazing. Four popular adversaries have to be brought to justice, you'll probably do it in one sitting but it's still fun. I've also done the Harley Quinn level (about 20 minutes) kind of pointless truth be told. GCPD Lockdown featuring Nightwing isn't much better and is even shorter. The rest of the DLC is mostly made up of challenge packs which I've no interest in and costume changes which again, I don't care about. I'm going to get into A Matter of Family next which has you controlling Batgirl, meh. I'll do the Catwoman DLC too because she's awesome and Red Hood because even though I've no idea who that is, I'm told it's good fun. This may all seem like a lot of gaming but it'll be a few hours at the most. Truth be told, you don't need all this DLC and I'm only killing time with it until Uncharted 4 hits in a couple of weeks. If anything the DLC is a distraction from the brilliance that is the main game. That's where the meat is and a wonderful serving it is too. Highly recommended!

Score: 9/10 Trophy count: 81%

Cheers,

G.

                                                                

Why I Love Movies (Hannibal Edition)

“He woke her then, and trembling and obedient, she ate that burning heart out of his hand. Weeping, I saw him then depart from me. Could he daily feel a stab of hunger for her? Find nourishment in the very sight of her? I think so. But would she see through the bars of his plight, and ache for him?”

Some people hate the "beauty and the beast" vibe of Hannibal. As you know, the beast is cured by the end of Disney's masterpiece. Hannibal Lecter's appetites, however, can only be sated by Clarice Starling. Everyone else, remains firmly on the menu.

It's impossible to talk about this movie without mentioning Silence of the Lambs. It was an excellent adaptation of an amazing book. Thomas Harris could easily have gone down the copy and paste route but he decided to try something completely different. When I read Hannibal, I didn't think they'd be able to make a movie out of it. That they kept so much of it in the movie is impressive but they cleverly omitted things that simply couldn't work... like the ending which I will not ruin here for anyone who hasn't read it. Suffice to say, it's different... very different. Adapted by David Mamet and perfected by Steve Zaillian under the watchful eye of, director, Ridley Scott, the writers embraced the horror aspects, toned down the lovey dovey stuff a little and threw in a dash of dark humour to fill the gaps. It didn't work for everyone, but it certainly did for me.

Let's get the gripes out of the way. The main criticism thrown at the movie is that it isn't as good as Silence of the Lambs. No shit, so few movies are. Next. Julianne Moore isn't as good a Clarice as Jodi Foster. Again, no shit. Foster put in one of the best performances any of us will ever see. Moore was never going to reach those heights with the same character, nobody could... Other critics didn't like the excessive gore. Precious little fuckers, aren't they. What were they expecting, Pixar? This is Hannibal Lecter running wild and for the record, the scenes they are talking about are superbly done but I'll get to those later. Style over substance is another criticism and while I agree with it, I don't really see that as a problem because the style is so beautiful. Also, I'm shallow so there's that.

So what's it all about? Clarice Starling has been blamed for a bungled drug bust and while it clearly wasn't her fault, she is disliked within the FBI and they want her "handled". Paul Krendler (Ray Liotta) takes it upon himself to deal with her and dangles Hannibal Lecter in front of her. Lecter has been on the run since his dramatic escape ten years ago but a new piece of evidence has popped up and a victim of his who survived (but probably wishes he hadn't) Mason Verger (Gary Oldman) would like Clarice to bring him to justice. Lecter left Verger (a child molester) horribly disfigured, confined to a wheelchair and eating food through a straw (see pic) being waited on by his man servant, Cordell (huge credit to Zeljko Ivanek for making something out of a nothing part). Some fans complained that having Lecter punish awful people diminished his scariness. Lecter out of his cage is a different animal. Imagining what he could do in the world is obviously scarier than seeing him actually do it. The question here is, is it entertaining? The answer is a resounding yes.

We find Lecter in his element. Living it up in Florence, working as a curator in a beautiful library. The previous curator has "gone missing" and Lecter, under the alias of Dr. Fell, has taken over curatorship. He is questioned about this missing person by Inspector Rinaldo Pazzi (Giancarlo Giannini). Pazzi is a seasoned investigator and senses Dr. Fell may be hiding something. He is right of course but he doesn't notice the good doctor noticing him...

Pazzi finds Dr. Fell on the FBI's most wanted list under his real name, Hannibal Lecter. The reward for his capture (put up by Mason Verger) is millions and if secured Pazzi's wife, Allegra (Francesca Neri), accurately described as a "pretty young wife with the ever open beak" by one of his colleagues, would be more inclined to stay with him. He forces a pick pocket to get Lecter's finger prints. The criminal succeeds but at the cost of his life. Pazzi, armed with the finger prints gets an advance on the reward. Mason Verger sends his henchmen to Florence to capture Lecter. Lecter lures Pazzi to Palazzo Veccio to kill him (which he does along with several of Verger's goons) but what neither man knows is, Clarice has been tracking both men from America. It brings about a really great scene:

"When the fox hears the rabbit scream he comes a runnin', but not to help" - Mason Verger.

Lecter leaves Florence and heads back to the USA. He tracks Krendler and sets up base in his countryside home. He hits up a nearby hospital and steals some equipment, you know, skull drill and the like... Meanwhile, Verger may have failed in Florence but he on home turf now. He pays Krendler to cut Starling loose thus making her helpless and irresistible to Lecter. Starling, having failed to save Pazzi or capture Lecter is now vulnerable. Krendler plants a letter supposedly from Lecter to Clarice in her evidence stash and when it is found she is suspended. Starling goes from vulnerable to helpless. Lecter drops the ball briefly here. He decides to tackle those who are destroying Starling. He does this for his own amusement, yes, but he does feel something for Clarice. He admires the fact that she is incorruptible in the face of utter corruption and it is making him lose perspective. He needs to see her, to speak to her and so he lures her to Union Station to do both. Unfortunately, while perving on her, he is captured by the few remaining Verger henchmen who have also been watching Starling. She sees him tazed and kidnapped.

Verger: "So does Lecter wanna fuck her, kill her or eat her?" Cordell: "Probably all three, though I wouldn't wanna predict in what order".

Back at Chateau Verger, Lecter is told, rather hilariously it must be said, by Mason Verger how he will die. He is to be fed to a bunch huge prize pigs, trained to react to human screaming. Lecter doesn't flinch, even when he is told he will be served feet first. Going against FBI orders, Starling heads over to Verger's where Hannibal is being lowered into a pit filled with hungry pigs. Starling bursts in and shoots a couple of asshole henchmen. She and Lecter share some fun dialogue. Starling is then shot in the shoulder by one of Verger's guys and passes out. In come the pigs but Hannibal takes control, rescues Starling and sets Cordell free:

Bye, bye Mason Verger. I was actually sad to see him go. Oh I know he was awful, I know he deserved it and I knew he'd never get the better of Hannibal Lecter... BUT... he was fucking funny! Sadly, the critics didn't agree. They hated the dark humour and it left many audience members cold too. They wanted Silence of the Lambs again and this wasn't that. What they seemed to miss though was just how wonderful Gary Oldman was as Mason Verger. The make up fx are stunning but underneath that, Oldman managed to make him more than just a horror story. There's a scene in the movie where he hangs up on Krendler and calls him a cocksucker with Ian McKellen level of conviction and it absolutely slays me... every single time. He's an incredible character and it's a quality performance.

Many people seemed to be immune to Hopkins as Lecter this time around too. I thought he was magnificent. He delivered his lines with real relish (pun intended) and it was genuinely interesting to see him using Dante's Sonnet (quoted at the top of the blog) as a way of explaining his feelings about Clarice. It is kind of beautiful actually. But everyone wanted the terror inducing Lecter they got in Lambs. That's fair enough but it couldn't be delivered once he was out of his cage. However, what you lose in suggestion you gain with some memorable, macabre scenes.

"This is from the Guinness Book of World Records, congratulating me on being the female FBI Agent who has shot and killed the most people." - Clarice Starling.

Julianne Moore does a fine job as Starling. There's nothing wrong with her performance but everyone wanted Foster. She had turned it down. She says it was over content, the producers say it was over money... So we got a talented replacement on a hiding to nothing. I enjoyed her take on it. While she never reached the Oscar winning heights of Foster's performance, it is thoroughly engaging and one thing she does have over Foster is this: She's hot! Like I said earlier, I'm shallow...

Music also plays a huge part in this film. Hans Zimmer's finger prints are everywhere and it blends wonderfully with the feel of the movie. Crucially, Dante's Sonnet is put to music and the work done by Zimmer and Patrick Cassidy for this is the heart of the movie. It is beautiful, melancholic and doomed. Like Hannibal and Starling. When Lecter quotes the sonnet to Allegra Pazzi, he is talking about himself and Starling. The music had to stack up to the sonnet while conveying Hannibal's emotions. A tough task for sure but they succeed and it is glorious! Have a listen:



On with the movie. Lecter takes an unconscious Starling back to his base of operations... Paul Krendler's house. He treats her wounds, puts her to bed and drugs her so she cannot leave. Krendler turns up and Lecter drugs him too. What happens next is where you lose half your audience. Lecter makes dinner, a beautiful spread it must be said... until... Starling wakes up and calls the cops while in the background the equipment Lecter stole from the hospital can be heard is use. Starling enters the dining room in a beautiful evening dress. Krendler is at the head of the table where he looks a little worse of wear in a baseball cap.

"This is really gonna hurt" - Hannibal Lecter

Starling's lame attempt to subdue Lecter with a candlestick holder fails. Krendler is his usual rude self and Lecter takes off Krendler's cap. It is apparent now that Lecter has cut open Krendler's skull and is about to expose the brain. Lecter still manages to find humour in this cracking a joke about the prefrontal lobe otherwise known as the seat of good manners which Krendler won't miss... I laughed but cinema going folk and critics were reacting more like Starling who was trying not to puke. It is disgusting but also hilarious. It is a comeuppance hard earned by Krendler and watching Hannibal enjoying himself is delightful. Feeding Krendler his own brain was too much for some. I thought it was exactly what we sat in the seat to see... It must be said that Lecter knows Starling better than anyone and reminds her that she is better than the FBI scum who have destroyed her and that he admires her for her incorruptibility. Krendler is close to expiration by now and Lecter retires to the kitchen. Starling follows and attacks him. He traps her hair in the refrigerator door and she can't escape. At no point did I believe Lecter would harm her. He understands here that he can never have her, even if he eats her, she'll never be his. It's a hard paradox for him to swallow (ahem). Her bravery and righteousness are precisely why he wants her in the world but these are also the reasons why she'll never stop coming after him. And then we hear it... click... she has handcuffed herself to him. He cannot escape. Hopkins is amazing here. Lecter is stunned, she knows what he is but she has chosen to handcuff herself to him for the greater good. He then panics as much as Hannibal Lecter can panic. "Now that's really interesting, I really am pressed for time, where's the key". He already knows she'll never tell him... incorruptible... he is screwed. Hannibal picks up a meat clever and asked Starling if she wants it above or below the wrist. We already know he won't hurt her. He escapes... minus one hand.

I was riveted, absolutely glued to the screen. I'd never seen such a twisted love story portrayed on screen. I mean, he fed a guy his brain for the woman he loves, I guess that kind of sums Hannibal Lecter up. It could have been a schlockfest in the wrong hands but Ridley Scott is far too skilful for that. He knows this scene is too much but he also knows he can make it look amazing... and he does. Zallian deserves huge credit too. I still laugh at the exchanges between Lecter and Krendler. He is the perfect victim for Hannibal. We hate the guy and Lecter sees him as crud. It's perfect and Liotta does the slimey bastard thing very well.

The movies ends with Hannibal on a plane feeding a curious kid some of Paul Krendler's brain. Yep, it's that kind of movie.

Ultimately, what keeps me coming back to it is the relationship between Lecter and Clarice. He basically wears his heart on his sleeve while she is more guarded, only very occasionally and very subtly showing feelings for him. I thought I'd save my favourite scene in the movie for last... Dear Clarice:

Cheers,

G.

Top Movies That Bombed

I'm not talking underwhelmed here. For example, Edge of Tomorrow cost $178m but made back $370m. Or a Scarface which cost $25m but made $65m. Those movies were expected to make more and they should have as they are both really rather good. But they weren't bombs. And I'm not talking about the likes of Pluto Nash which for its $100m budget pulled in a paltry $7m. That was a fair reflection of the quality of that movie and we should be applauded for our avoidance. I'm talking great movies that failed miserably at the box office and we should all take a long hard look at ourselves for allowing these movies to fail...

                                                         Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Shame on us! Oddly enough when I went to see this with my ex, it was in a sold out show in a Dublin suburb so I was hopeful that the movie would do well. She had no idea who Shane Black was but I'm betting she remembers him now. This is just a terrific movie with a pre Iron Man, Robert Downey Jr chewing up the screen with his absolutely delicious delivery of Shane Black's razor sharp dialogue. It's all a bit film noir so I won't get too far into plot specifics but Harry Lockheart (Downey Jr) accidently stumbles into a film audition and does really well. He ends up out in LA where he and  wonderfully tough gay guy,  Gay Perry (Val Kilmer) get embroiled in murder mystery. As in every film noir there is a femme fatal and a smokin' hot Michelle Monaghan plays this role perfectly. Harmony is her name but it most certainly is not her nature. I won't say any more about this movie but I will show you this clip. This is what they mean when they talk about professional chemistry:

I mentioned before that this movie came out before Iron Man. A full three years before actually. If it had come out three weeks after it would have been a huge hit. Watch it and if you've only seen it once, watch it again!!!
Cost: $15m. Return: $15.8m.

                                                                 Starship Troopers

Here's a movie that put every cent of its budget into the special fx and it really pays off. Starship Troopers is one of those big, dumb but oh so much fun "man v alien" movies in the B-Movie tradition. Have a look at the clip to the left to see exactly what this movie is about. The attractive first, talented second (and that's being kind) cast features Casper Van Dien who plays tough guy Johnny Rico. He has the hots for Denise Richards character, Carmen Ibanez and you really can't blame him as she is absolutely gorgeous in this. While he's pining over Ibanez he is oblivious to the ample charms of the equally stunning Dina Meyer who plays Dizzy Flores (pictured below). Whatever! The real heroes of this pic are the special fx which, tragically lost out to Titanic at the Oscars. There are scenes of jaw dropping wonder in this flick. I honestly cannot pick my favourite fx shot. It's also a violent movie so it uses some older tricks to convey the gore which adds a gritty realism to the battle sequences. Plot wise there's not much to say except there's a "bug planet" and there's us here on earth. There's a war going on between us and them and it is viscious. Director, Paul Verhoeven is no  stranger to sex, violence or special fx. This movie has that and more. Look out for enjoyable turns by Neil Patrick Harris, Michael Ironside and absolute legend, Clancy Brown.

The movie spawned three sequels the first of which was so awful that I decided to give the rest a miss. Starship Troopers left the cinema with a whimper when it should have been a big hit. I caught it on release back in '97 and had a hell of a time. It was one of the first Blu-rays I ever purchased too and still, all these years later, it sparkles.

Cost: $105m. Return $121m.

                                                               Almost Famous

Arguably Cameron Crowe's best movie, this has absolutely no business being on the bomb list. Set in the 70's, teenager William Miller (Patrick Fugit) accidently gets a job for Rolling Stone magazine documenting the antics of rock band up and comers, Stillwater. As he does so, he falls for groupie - sorry "band aid" Penny Lane (Kate Hudson) and is exposed to the excesses of touring with a big rock band. The band themselves? Singer Jeff Bebe (Jason Lee) is insecure and jealous of his own guitarist Russell Hammond (Billy Crudup). Think Steven Tyler and Joe Perry and you're there. You see, Hammond is effortlessly cool while Bebe works his ass off to impact on the audience. During a rant at Hammond he turns to Miller and says: "I work just as hard or harder than anybody on that stage. You know what I do? I connect. I get people off. I look for the guy who isn't getting off, and I make him get off. Actually, that you can print". The rhythm section are Mark Fellows and Ed Vallencourt  played by Mark Kozelek and John Fedevich respectively neither of which are of much consequence to proceedings with one exception near the end of the movie which I won't ruin here. 

Miller is out of his depth and seeks advice from legendary critic Lester Bangs (Philip Seymour Hoffman). Their exchanges are hugely enjoyable. Bangs sees a little of himself in Miller. Check out this magical scene, the line about currency in this bankrupt world is utter genius.

It won't surprise anyone to read that Cameron Crowe won an Oscar for best screenplay and it is wholeheartedly deserved. What else can I say about Almost Famous? There's talent everywhere in the flick. I haven't even mentioned Frances McDormand (Miller's mother) Zooey Deschanel (Miller's sister) Noah Taylor (Band manager) "band aids" Anna Paquin and Fairuza Balk. All quality! As ever with Cameron Crowe movies there are cameos, so look out for Peter Frampton and Jimmy Fallon.
There's just so fucking much to love here that I could write all day but ultimately it is a love letter to the music of the era that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. Arguably the best era for rock n' roll. Certainly the most important. With that in mind, I will leave you with everyone's favourite scene from this majestic movie and the best needle drop ever! Hold me closer...
Cost: $60m. Return: $47.3m



The Thing

I've already poured a lot of love into this movie in my Kurt Russell blog so I won't bore you with the details of the movie here. I did touch on why it failed in the blog too but I'll look a little more closely at the reasons here. Every now and then a film maker just gets hit from all sides by the press. You'll hear people say "I guess it was his turn". This is a despicable act of treachery as it's not being fair to the film makers, the crew, the actors, the studio or most importantly, the audience. Make no mistake, this movie was John Carpenter's "turn". Carpenter had reached a level of celebrity in a short amount of time that made some of the establishment uncomfortable. Why? Because he was making dark movies. Horrors like Halloween and The Fog had performed well. He was putting women in lead roles. Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) was resourceful in her battle with Michael Myers on Halloween night. Stevie Wayne (Adrienne Barbeau) was equally heroic when The Fog came rolling in. Carpenter had also just made Escape From New York which, aside from being a hugely entertaining movie, challenged us to decide if the crime rate was manageable and he was casting people of colour too. Isaac Hayes as "The Duke of NY" must have annoyed more than a few assholes. This maverick was getting to big for his boots and needed to be taken down a peg.

So when Universal put the cash up for a pretty big budget remake of The Thing and hired Carpenter to do it, they felt they were on solid ground. And theoretically they were. Carpenter delivered an absolutely pitch perfect movie drenched in paranoia, supported by mind blowing special fx that still hold up today and an ensemble of talent that would make any studio exec weep with joy. One thing that went against the movie was the success of Spielberg's ET which was a huge hit and the general public were more curious about aliens than ever before. They weren't necessarily in the mood for The Thing. That being said, the reviews that came out were a disgrace. Reviewers were either out to get Carpenter or misunderstood the movie, maybe both. For example, here's a quote from Vincent Canby's review for the New York Times: "There may be a metaphor in all this, but I doubt it." Well Vincent, your nose wasn't wrong but your brain let you down. AIDS and Communism immediately come to mind when I watch The Thing. It's right fucking there and you don't need to be a clever guy to see it. You just need to be paying attention.

The Thing is probably Carpenter's best movie but again Mr. Canby doesn't seem to notice. Here's another hilarious quote: "The new ''Thing'' has been written with no great style by Bill Lancaster and directed by Mr. Carpenter without apparent energy or the ability to share his interest with us." You can argue subjectivity all you want but even from a purely technical standpoint The Thing is a gorgeously directed movie. He ends the evisceration with this: "''The Thing,'' which opens today at the Rivoli and other theaters, is too phony looking to be disgusting. It qualifies only as instant junk." Time has been really good to The Thing and the "too phony" fx are lauded as some of the best ever put to film. It still plays to sold out shows and gets new fans every year. Not bad for "instant junk". I can't say for certain if the reviews killed the movie or not but they didn't help. Ironically it is the reviews of today that have breathed new life into it.
Cost: $15m. Return: $19m.

                                                                         Serenity
You may not be able to stop the signal entirely but if you don't advertise it in the right way, you'll certainly hinder its range. We all know where Serenity came from and who was responsible for it being made at all. The internet can accomplish amazing things but it is also a tricksy place because if you'd checked the message boards back in 2004 you'd have been convinced there were a gazillion Browncoats out there and a movie for them would be a financial slam dunk. As we know, Joss Whedon delivered a hi octane thrill ride of a movie but there just wasn't enough of a fan base out there for it to make enough money to keep the good ship Serenity in the sky. Add to that a truly terrible advertising campaign that made no effort to appeal to newcomers and Serenity was always going to face an uphill battle. And that's the story of its failure. Like The Thing when people do give it a chance they are immediately seduced by its charms. Unlike The Thing, Serenity received a warm reception from critics but the damage was already done with the advertising. Have a look at this clip and ask yourself if you think this would reel in a newcomer?



Now as a certified Browncoat, that clip gives me chills... the good kind. But I just don't see it doing much for anyone who isn't already in the gang. Buffy was a success but 6 million TV viewers a week wasn't all that much back in the late 90's and while many Buffy/Angel fans became Browncoats, many of them did not as not everyone likes Sci Fi. So there's my two cents. Another brilliant movie that suffered an unfair fate. If you've never seen it you should and then you should watch... well you'll figure it out for yourself.

Cost: $39m. Return: $39m.

                                                             In the Heart of the Sea

Put yourself in a Warner Brothers board room. You've just watched and thoroughly enjoyed a screening of a movie that depicts the real story that inspired Melville to write Moby Dick. You remember the initial meetings. The justification that there hasn't been that many good seafaring adventures. The book was excellent receiving huge critical acclaim and sales of it suggest that there's an appetite for a sea monster movie. It will likely cost a lot of money so we'll need a solid director. Enter Ron Howard. Everyone is happy with the choice, you included. You need a star. Chris Hemsworth steps up. Great, he has fans and isn't too shabby an actor either. You remember feeling excited. This has the makings, might even get us on the Oscar trail. You squee with joy when you see the one sheets (my favourite below).

                             

So back to the Warner Brothers board room and the brain trust decide to release the movie on December 11th 2015. Not unlike the boat in the movie, your heart sinks. They're kidding right? You remind them that Star Wars: The Force Awakens premieres on December 14th. They don't seem bothered. "Lads, it will get all the advertising spots and it will bump us off every IMAX and half decent screen in the country". They look at you like you're insane. You start to feel like you're on crazy pills. What the fuck is going on, why can't they see this? They've got Star Wars, we've got a whale. It's a great whale but it simply cannot compete with the machine that is Star Wars. Your concerns are heard but make no impact. Test screenings go well which makes you feel even sadder. The movie finally comes out. Critical response is lukewarm but audiences enjoy what they see. Then Star Wars hits and every single prediction you made comes through but it's worse than you thought it would be. It's really fucking good. Word of mouth travels fast and everyone wants to see Star Wars. Nobody gives a fuck about Moby Dick... You hate being right all the time.
Cost $100m. Return: $94m.  

                                                            Man on the Moon

Jim Carey is fucking magnificent in this. The movie, as I'm sure you know, is about the life and death of Andy Kaufman. REM wrote a little song about the guy, you may know it... hence the title. Love him or hate him, Andy Kaufman was a genius. He pushed the boundaries of comedy and wasn't afraid to fail. That's the most important thing to say about him. A lot of people say shit like this but Andy backed it up. He once stood on a college campus and read The Great Gatsby cover to cover. Why? Well he was starring in the TV show Taxi and his character, Latka, was hugely popular. Andy fucking hated the show, hated the character and knew his audience were there to hear him say Latka's catchphrase... "thank you very much" in a Lithuanian accent. He decided to take a different route just to piss them off. Was this brave or vindictive? I think it was both. Andy Kaufman's greatest creation was Tony Clifton. Tony was a cabaret type of singer who would break up his singing by interacting with the audience and telling jokes. Think Tony Bennet but think of him if he were a terrible singer and an absolute cunt. He is achingly funny as you can see by the clip above.

Other highlights are Kaufman's "feud" with wrestling legend Jerry Lawlor and his assault on the aforementioned TV show Taxi. Paul Giamatti plays his long time collaborator Bob Zmuda and is his usual charming self. There is a huge surprise in the casting of Courtney Love who is really solid as Kaufman's wife Lynne Margulies. She plays it well and comes across as genuine, something you can't really say about her music. Milos Forman has made some great movies and, for me, this ranks with the best of them. There was hardly anyone in the cinema where I went to see it... pity.
Cost: $82m. Return: $47.5m

                                                                        Steve Jobs
When this movie was first announced there were already books and documentaries out there about the guy with all the info you'd ever want and there was a truly awful biopic starring Ashton Kutcher. So right out of the gate there was an argument to be made that this movie wasn't really needed. Certainly it seems like that was the consensus as audiences largely avoided it but this movie isn't just good, it's fucking essential. When announced it was going to be the team who brought us The Social Network. Fincher would direct and Aaron Sorkin who won an Oscar for TSN would write. Then the Sony email leaks happened and we found out Angelina Jolie decided she wanted Fincher taken off Steve Jobs and put on her Cleopatra project. Her star power proved too much for the Sony executives and he was replaced by Danny Boyle. At the time I thought this was a fucking disaster as I'm not a fan of Boyle at all. However, this is a script so delicious that an untrained monkey could have directed and as it happens Boyle knew this and let the writing breathe.
Michael Fassbender is flawless as Steve Jobs. Mind you, Aaron Sorkin was not convinced. Those pesky Sony leaks revealed that he was upset that Christian Bale was replaced by Michael Fassbender and not only that, he didn't even know who Fassbender was! Performance wise he needn't have worried as Fassbender was nominated for multiple awards including an Oscar. Fassbender is simply wonderful in the lead role exuding an arrogance, not only crucial to playing the character but crucial to being able to speak Sorkinese (a wonderful phrase coined by Kate Winslet)
This is a clever movie shot back stage at three different Apple launches. Jobs comes across as an awful guy initially but as the movie progresses you come to realise that, while he was a tough man, he was perhaps harder on himself than anyone else. He denied paternity of his daughter. He does soften his stance on this as the movie goes by and grows to love the child. It is the centre of the movie, when all the other shit is going down Sorkin cleverly throws in a scene with the kid to make it a human story. The script, as usual with Sorkin, is top drawer and won a Golden Globe. The supporting cast are also on screen chewing form.

There is a huge ace in the sleeve of this movie in the shape of Jeff Daniels. He has been reborn since The Newsroom (Sorkin's excellent TV show) and The Martian. Here he plays the CEO of Apple and his scenes with Jobs are pure gold. As ever with a Sorkin script there isn't a second of waste. It's fast, it's funny, it's caustic and it expects you to be able to keep up. The rest of the cast are made up of Kate Winslet who plays Jobs closest friend Joanna Hoffman. I found her accent a bit off for the first act but she's on top form in acts two and three. Seth Rogen plays Steve Wozniak and he is also terrific.

So why did everyone avoid this like the plague? Well the aforementioned books, biopics and documentaries probably didn't help. And Sorkin's concerns over Fassbender's ability to open a movie may have been justified. Fassbender is every bit as good an actor as Bale but he is nowhere near as big as star as the former Bat. Bale went on to make The Big Short which had a similar budget to this movie but has made four times as much... Also Danny Boyle is no David Fincher. Fincher, rightly, has a fan base. He'd have brought in numbers. Danny Boyle has won an Oscar but he just doesn't carry the same weight as Fincher. Lastly, Jobs himself. People like to root for nice guys... He's a complicated man and this movie captures a man who has total belief in himself and if you don't agree with him he has no problems telling you why you're an idiot. Think Dr. House... but sober.
I love this movie. I will buy the Blu-ray and I will watch it... a lot.
Cost: $30m. Return: $34.4m.

Cheers,

G.