Rogue
I have no idea why but there's a running joke in my house where I ask my wife if she wants to watch Rogue. She replies by asking can we make scampi. It's not funny to anyone else, it makes no sense and I honestly forget the origins. But every time I ask if she wants to watch it, I'm always hoping she says yes. Rogue is an absolutely brilliant movie. Set in the Australian outback (and featuring some truly breathtaking scenery) a bunch of tourists become trapped on a tiny island after their boat is attacked by a large, territorial crocodile. Problem is, the water is rising and the island will submerge in a few hours. It takes just the right amount of time to get the cast into this predicament, setting them up as people to root for and, indeed, against. The movie boasts solid performances with Radha Mitchell immediately recognisable and Sam Worthington doing the annoying Aussie thing a little too well. You may also know Michael Vartan in the lead role.
The director's previous movie is Wolf Creek which is a vile movie. I mean that in the best possible way. For what it is, Wolf Creek is very effective but it's just not something I'd ever watch more than once. Rogue, on the other hand, is absolutely the kind of movie I go back to time and time again. Why? Well it's just a shed load of fun. Movies like this are only effective if the characters are watchable and the creature is believable.
The croc itself is a triumph of special fx and clever camera work. They don't oversell the croc in the early part of the movie so you feel spoiled when you see it up close and very personal in some truly memorable scenes. That said, my favourite scene in the movie happens fairly early on and so quickly, it's often missed by audiences. There's a chap at the edge of the island, he's pulled one of the tourists back from the water. The camera turns away from him and that's when we hear a break in the water. The camera speeds back, the man is gone and for just a second or two we see a fucking huge croc tail swimming away. It's so simple but terrifyingly effective.
Do I have any complaints? No, not really. I knew what I was signing on for when I sat in front of this movie and it delivered in spades. Rating: 4/5.
The Relic
This is a movie I tore out to the cinema to see way back in 1997. The studio had spent a few quid on it, they'd thrown in a decent cast and a solid director too. I caught one clip on tv and I was sold. So what is The Relic? It's a monster movie set in the Museum of Natural History in Chicago. A ship has landed in Illinois minus a crew and the creature on board makes it's way to the museum, hungry for the human hypothalamus. It really doesn't matter why. What does matter is the creature itself. Again, the director teases him before finally we get to see him in all his glory. And he is impressive. Here, take a look:
You also get Tom Sizemore doing what Tom Sizemore does, Penelope Ann Miller as the resourceful heroine with Linda Hunt and James Whitmore both welcome additions. It's all completely preposterous of course but that doesn't stop us having a hell of a time. The Relic gets a torrid time from movie experts. Glad I'm just a fan, this is a hoot. 3/5.
Grabbers
This one is close to my heart as it's set in Ireland. Of course you can't have an Irish movie without lots of drinking because we're all raging alcoholics (apparently) and boy oh boy is there some drinking in this movie... Erin Island has been invaded by grabby, bloodsucky aliens and the populace is on the dwindle. The only way to remain immune is to get absolutely hammered drunk. You'd have to feel sorry for the aliens, if they'd landed anywhere else they'd have been exposed to a completely different stereotype and had a much easier time of it.
As before, we get characters to like and creatures to enjoy. Grabbers is tonally similar to Tremors but doesn't quite reach those dizzying heights. It can compete with the likes of James Gunn's Slither though and that ain't nothing. There are various nods and winks to other monster movies, the "Erin Island Welcomes You" sign is great and "get away from him you cunt" a very Irish nod to Aliens. I had nothing but a good time with this movie and fully recommend it: 3.5/5.
The Reef
There is a moment in The Reef where our potential victims are all close together in the water. One of them thinks they see a fin and they all start to panic which, as we know from Jaws is, "like ringing the dinner bell". Armed with only one set of goggles one of the group sticks his face in the water to peer into the blue. Here's what he sees:
The Reef doesn't try to reinvent the genre but it does a great job of raking up the tension. The plot is very simple: A group of friends head out onto the reef. When their boat capsizes they have a choice. Stay on top of the upside down (and slowly sinking) boat or swim for land. They choose the latter. There's an uncomfortable level of tension in this movie. It's worst nightmare stuff and if you want your nerves shredded, look no further: 3.5/5.
Lake Placid
Written by David E. Kelly so you knew there'd be some half decent one liners. Directed by Steve Miner, a guy who knows his way around a lake setting having done a couple of early Friday the 13th flicks and Dawson's Creek. Cast wise you get Bill Pullman, Brendan Gleeson, Bridget Fonda and Oliver Platt. I could watch Oliver Platt read the phone book because he would make that shit funny. He improves whatever he's in by about 22.3% it's science. His banter with Gleeson is also priceless! Add to that some cracking scenes with Betty White and you've got a hell of a time!
So what's the what here? Black Lake is an absolutely beautiful spot in Maine. Unfortunately for the locals, there's a fucking enormous crocodile living in said lake. The bodies pile up so it's down to Fish and Game expert Jack (Bill Pullman), local law man, Sheriff Keogh (Brendan Gleeson) to find out what's going on. Kelly (Bridget Fonda) is sent to help, the fact that she's a paleontologist renders her mostly useless but that's funny too. It is Oliver Platt who steals the whole show though. He plays eccentric millionaire and croc enthusiast, Hector, and he is wonderful. He always is (to me). The personalities of the four protagonists clash (of course) but as the movie goes along, they start to tolerate and even get to like each other (of course). Does the creature hold up? Bet your ass it does! A great effort by Stan Winston's fx team and some knowing camera work by Steve Miner make for some great sequences.
It is the humour though that I love here. It's not quite laugh out loud all the time but there's just a nice whimsical tone about it, interrupted occasionally by an enormous crocodile. And what the devil is wrong with that? Loved it: 4/5.
Frankenfish
Do not be put off by the title. Do not be put off by the terrible reviews. Do not be put off by the fact that it's a SyFy movie. This isn't one of those terrible "mockbusters". This is an honest to goodness decent creature feature. It takes place in Louisiana where folks live on a river. Unfortunately for them, someone has been carrying out experiments on snakefish and created something really nasty. The frankenfish escape into the river and all hell breaks lose. Look, it's not going to win any awards but for those of you with a sense of humour, you will find fun here. The creatures look pretty good, there's some hilarious death scenes and a running product placement joke which never gets old.
I've seen people refer to Frankenfish as a piece of shit and I've seen them refer to it as Tremors in a swamp. The truth lies somewhere in between. Schlock til you drop: 3/5.
Dog Soldiers
I'm assuming you've seen the movie Neil Marshall went on to make after this one: The Descent (the one with the European ending) If not, you need to. But you probably have so I'll carry on. Truth be told you've probably seen Dog Soldiers too. But just in case, this one is a werewolf movie about a military training exercise set in the highlands of Scotland. Of course the place is infested with werewolves and our band of brothers (and a sister) are being hunted. They take shelter in an abandoned house and plan to survive the inevitable werewolf siege. Just think Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13 with werewolves and you're pretty much there. This is a good thing. Fans of Game of Thrones will be happy to see Liam Cunningham in a menacing role. Fans of Rome will be happy to see Kevin McKidd in the lead and fans of Gotham will be happy to see Sean Pertwee stealing the show as a gruff but likeable sergeant.
Like most of the movies on this list the emphasis is on laughs as much as scares and Dog Soldiers delivers plenty of laugh out loud moments. The fact that it's a low budget movie doesn't hurt it. Actually it probably helps it as there's an obvious charm to the movie that many other CGI wolf movies do not have. The director was on fire at the time and I felt he was going to be the next John Carpenter. Why? Well, as mentioned before this movie borrows heavily from Assault on Precinct 13. The next movie he'd make would be The Descent which barring a couple of minutes at the start is an all female cast all of them with trust issues. Carpenter used an all male cast for The Thing and trust was a huge part of that movie. Marshall then went on to make Doomsday which had a huge stink of Escape from New York off of it. Sadly that's where the comparisons end. He hasn't really progressed as a director which is a pity as Dog Soldiers is a cracking little movie that hints at some serious directorial talent and it's well worth a look: 4/5.
The Ghost and the Darkness
Right out of the gate let's just talk about Val Kilmer. I love him. I think he is supremely talented. But like many talented actors (Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Sean Connery and Julia Roberts to name but a few) he cannot do an Irish accent. It is distracting and it will make you laugh. However, The Ghost and the Darkness is a fun diversion. Set in Kenya in 1898, Kilmer plays Col. Jon Patterson and it is his job to build a bridge for the British army so, as the ever brilliant Tom Wilkinson puts it, they can "save Africa from the Africans".
Whatever, let's get to the good stuff. This movie is based on a true story where two lions reportedly killed 135 bridge workers. Now, that may sound like bullshit and it probably is. What is clear though is these lions killed a lot of people and Patterson had a hell of a time dealing with them. The movie deviates heavily from the facts as it tries deperately to be the next Jaws. It ain't Jaws but then again, nothing is or ever will be. Patterson eventually calls in the help of Quint sorry, Remington played by Michael Douglas. There are times in this movie where his hamminess is a joy to behold but I've always found him to be an enjoyable actor anyway.
The lions are also very well done. There's trained lions, CGI and amazing model work used to bring our bloodthirsty friends to life. The fact that this is based on a true story adds some gravity to proceedings and it is effective. Stephen Hopkins is a talented guy. He's obviously watched Jaws a few times and uses the Kenyan savannah as a substitute for the ocean. The lions attack with impunity and while you will scratch your head and wonder how the fuck Patterson got himself into a situation where over 100 people have been killed, you will also enjoy the simple man versus beast aspect here. Look out for Emily Mortimer and Bernard Hill. Both always fun to watch. 3/5.
Cheers,
G.
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